Utterly Trapped, by my own stupidity and life.


Some blogs I write I have a purpose, most do I think. I like to teach by example or share an article, video, or poem. I am a creative person but today I have discovered something I detest. In the midst of life I’ve been cornered. I’ve been trapped by my own actions and the reality of my situation as a disabled person. I’m not sure how I feel about it, angry to say the least. It’s like I turned around and it was too late the train coming down the railroad of life just crushed me.

First, of all I was so stupid to waste all the money I had saved up in my bank account from when I was first Ill and had little expenses. I was also stupid enough to take on more credit card debt than I can handle. Almost $18 000 to be exact. Now for the next five years I must pay off $390.00 a month and live on a tight budget.

But that is not the worst of things, the worst of things is that tiny little extra $400 some dollars I had I could have used to go to university and get my Master’s in Creative Writing. Instead I cannot even apply; the debt weighed on my mind so much that I did not put a portfolio together. Also, I could have paid for school one course at a time with my extra $400 and scholarships because I am only in one course and a disabled person. Now I cannot. Point number one, I am cornered at.

Point number two, I cannot afford to move out and pay rent even in low income housing because I have to pay that $400 in debt. It would have been hard if not impossible with that amount but now for sure it is out of the question. I will be 33 years old before I can move out and because of my disabilities and inability to work and the fact that disability will just steal back whatever I make from work unless I can make more than $1900 which is doubtful in my condition, it will probably not be somewhere safe and nice. It’s not a standard of living I want to consider. I always thought I would have this ability to work hard and take care of myself. That has been taken away from me and I don’t know why? Again I am cornered, to live at home when I really desperately want to be
independent and make a life for myself. Also cornered, because even if I work, what is the chance the income will be decent, that I can handle more than 6 hours if that a week?!

Every door seems to be closing. The only future I can see is to stay at home and take art courses in drawing for the next 4 years?! Perhaps, that will prepare me for something? It goes with the interior design and writing. I so desperately want to be taken seriously as a writer but it seems every time I try outside the magazine I’m at I do not have the experience? How can I gain experience if I cannot get it! Which leads me back to the master’s that I cannot get. Cornered. Where’s my window?

If I live on my own I cannot afford school. Because I cannot pay student loans back I cannot get those because who knows if I could ever handle work. And if I work will the insurance company forever bother me with can you increase your hours?! No, I’m still sick, never healed fully!
It’s all such a mess and I’m so confused and depressed about it I don’t know what to do.

Usually I have this sense of direction in life. I can accomplish many things with a goal in mind. Now I feel aimless like the breeze going back and forth in the sand, you know no matter what the sea will come in soak you or the sand will come at you and sting your skin and eyes.

So no purpose today, just cathartic writing. Praying for direction because I don’t function well being cornered or without direction. How about you?

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