“I know it’s only been three weeks” but Mom says she doesn’t know when you’re coming back. She tries not to cry in front of me but I know when she is crying because her mascara runs and her face turns red. Mom lays in bed and I don’t know what to do.
I tried laying beside her and rubbing her back. I tried making her soup (from the can) but I can’t make her eat. She doesn’t get up to make supper much or clean. I’m trying to help out but it’s hard, I have homework too and I’m only nine-years-old. I don’t get to play with my friends anymore, there is too much to do.
I had to ask Oma Jane and Opa Paul for your email. I phoned them and told them what happened. On the weekend I go to their house. Oma sends me home with food for the week that I can microwave. She yelled at Mom to ‘get up,’ but I got mad at Oma and I hit her. I told Oma Google said Mom is depressed.
Before you left, I heard you fighting with Mom. You got mad at her and then she cried and you shouted at her loudly. Mom is trying her best like me. Oma isn’t sure if you’re ever coming back. Where are you Dad, how come you never answer my emails? You used to call me everyday from work. Don’t you love us? What did I do? Why don’t you love me?
Does waiting tire you out? Have you had enough waiting for a particular person for a lifetime? Or are you too busy moving from one event in your life to the next that you’re never waiting? Or are you the one making people do the waiting for you?
Lately, I find myself impatient and upset when I have to wait for certain people. If you are the person who is often on time, who can only do so much in a day, and so you have to choose which activities that you do or do not do because of that, waiting can be difficult. I only have so many hours in a day I can concentrate and do certain activities, my time is limited. If I do reading for school and some homework then try to go out and be wide awake for an evening with a friend, this is too much for me. I’m not quite sure why but since becoming ill 5-years ago I can only handle so many hours of mental and/or physical activity a day.
For this reason I am a consummate planner. I like to know what I’m doing ahead of time so I can plan when I can do school work and exercise etc. Think about it like this: you have a soup bowl full of chicken soup that represents your energy supply and that is all the energy you have in a day. When you eat a couple noodles and some broth, that is eating up energy that you now no longer have. It cannot be replaced until the next day. When you plan to use all your noodles to visit somebody and be a considerate listener with them and they cancel or tell you they can’t do something until later, it is as if your soup has gone cold and your exothermic energy becomes used up. Earlier in the day the bowl of soup is hot and bubbling with potential but by night the soup has developed this icky soup skin and that’s how you feel after having to wait all day, icky and used up. You feel as if you’ve spent your day doing nothing.
I find that when people make me wait all day I can’t fulfill being the person I know they are going to expect me to like. I feel that I’m used up but from what? Simply the act of waiting itself. This makes me frustrated with people who constantly break commitments or want to do something late all the time at a time they know I’m at my worst. It does not matter for them, what time they do something but it makes a great deal of difference to me, especially when you’re not working or are doing other things you could do later first.
Now sometimes I wake up a little at night. I experience a second wind, but my best time is in the day and I wish sometimes friends and loved ones would expect less of me when I don’t have energy at night. I like to see my friends when I’m at my best. I like to be alert and able to catch all their jokes, to be sharp. But I can’t always be like this. I wish it wasn’t this way but it’s the reality of being me. And although I appreciate that other people work and have their own difficulties too, I hope that those people who always make others wait consider that their time is not only theirs. It is my time and other peoples time too and you are taking advantage of us. Everybody has stuff going on in their lives and the activities happening in your life are not exclusively important. Your activities are to other people what you consider other people’s activities to you. So maybe you should place more value on other people’s time and the difficulties in their lives if you would like the same courtesy, think about that.