Poem: “A Lack of Fear.”


Prompt: How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear? Would your life be better or worse than it is now?

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If I never felt fear, so many things would be different. I would have stood up to the girls in high school that were being mean to me.

I would have yelled at the boys in elementary school who called me fat and I would’ve kicked every single one of them so they didn’t call me that word again.

If I wasn’t afraid I would’ve kissed Robert who I liked and spent a trip to a Mexican Orphanage and San Diego when we were seated on the bench at the zoo. I wouldn’t have cared if my Dad had seen. I would’ve kissed fearlessly.

If I wasn’t afraid I would’ve gone home with a guy named John in university; I would have stayed at the bar even though I had a headache; I would have spent the night with him. He was handsome and smart.

If I wasn’t afraid I would have told the first guy I loved exactly what I thought of him. To act like he liked me, to abuse the fact he knew I was in love with him, but to be bored when I talked to him. To not try enough for me. For that I would have yelled at him and asked him at the beginning of third year what his problem was.

If I had no fear, I would have forgotten sooner then I did. I wouldn’t be afraid seeing all those posts with his latest girlfriend accidentally, how much she loves him and the time they spend together. I wouldn’t be jealous because I could never be the one; I will never be his girl. I wouldn’t be sad on their wedding day if I had no fear.

If I was fearless, I wouldn’t have gone to work that day I knew I shouldn’t have gone. The day I feel to pieces at the office because my Dad told me I had to go. I would’ve stayed home and no one would have ever known what I mess I was at the end of that year.

If I had no fear, when I see  ‘I’ in the mall I would confidently go up to him and talk to him when I see him. I wouldn’t be afraid that because last time I saw him I was crying and confused. I would say hello, let him look at what he missed.

If I had no fear I wouldn’t have been afraid when I got sick. I wouldn’t have thought much when I thought I heard people saying bad things about me. I wouldn’t have cared. I wouldn’t have cared that each drug I took made me feel bad.

If I was fearless, I wouldn’t be afraid of tomorrow. That I will get worse again and have an episode or that I will always be chronically fatigued. I wouldn’t fear the future at all. I would trust that everything would work out.

If I wasn’t afraid, I would go out with dates with a lot of guys even though I have a lot of problems. I would sleep with whoever I am attracted to and I wouldn’t care if that was all he wanted or I wanted. I would be like many guys and turn off that part of my brain that cares.

If I had no fear I would travel the world alone. No matter I could only do it half day at a time but I would go and by myself. I wouldn’t care that my parents would be scared or that I was scared inside. Especially when my energy ran out in some place behind the old Iron Curtain.

If I wasn’t afraid I could do so many things. But you see, we have fear for a reason. And even though some of our fears are not reasonable, we made the choices we made and they cannot be undone.

I chose to act how I did in every situation, even when I was in the wrong. But I had fear because it made me think, that somethings aren’t a good idea. Because I have fear I have morals. And I think many things through.

Fear is a good thing in small doses. Or else, I would be skydiving right now.

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