You can let yourself be stressed out and take everything upon yourself. You can force yourself to do too much when you know that you should stop. You don’t think “me” time is needed; you think it’s a bit selfish. Then you break, you shatter. The person you become is not someone you recognize. It is you at rock bottom and you wonder if there is a method of putting yourself back together. You wonder if you can ever be whole again. Because right now you are empty. The busyiness and fast rhythm of time ticking can never be stilled. You were never told to be careful, to slow down.
You ignored the signs that things weren’t right. You thought maybe you had a bad flu or ongoing cold. You thought a trip to the medicenter would make it all better. That you could put band-aids over the ever widening crack in your persona. You thought you could hide behind laughs, smiles, and declarations that you were feeling terrific. You never said how tired you were, how you lay awake at night. How this ‘thing’ started to creep up on you until it owned you and had you shuddering and suffering, bracing for impact. Your breath was shallow, you were lost beneath the pain. You became your pain and the torture of what you had become ate at your insides so that you wouldn’t eat; you weren’t interested. You thought it would make it easier on everyone if you would fade away. You suffered. No one is able to handle suffering at first but you grew used to it. You entertained suffering in the drawing room of your mind over endless cups of tea. Your world was a dark dank prison that you couldn’t escape. You wished for light to rain on you but all you got was a few cinders of fire. You became angry, blamed God, blamed the world, blamed your parents for giving you such genes, for your existence. And when you were at the deepest and most pitifullness of your trial you saw a candle in the window of your soul and held your frost bitten hands to the flame and began to soak in the warmth.
You lit more candles. You felt the heat rise through your limbs and pierce the empty places you had inside of you. You began to morph into a creature you scarce dreamed you could be. You changed, slowly, and methodically. It was a process but soon the darkness became twilight and you knew the worst was over. These were waters you could swim in now. The shore was close at hand, and landing on the beach you cried tears of joy. Your frail body was regaining strength and mobility. Your tortured mind became clear and your thoughts became peaceful and you smiled for the first time in ages. The sun came up that day, and didn’t go down. It was a special day. You had recovered yourself and found in your suffering that you were stronger then you knew. Strength was in your heart and soul. You were fortified and built up. And the next time you fell, you got back up. You didn’t let yourself get sucked down into the prison you left alive. You didn’t let your life become over run thinking there was always something you had to do and couldn’t miss. You learned to cope and learned what you were missing wasn’t as good as you thought it would be. You made choices for the better. You lived to tell your tale; others do not.
It’s a somber Sunday in September. All the rain we have been wishing for all summer finally came and it’s cold, wet, and uninviting out for a Labour Day Weekend. I didn’t have much planned for this weekend, something I miss about not having a boyfriend was having someone to do stuff with on weekends like this. My friends are now spread out over the city so it has become more difficult transportation wise to do things with them. But I’m excited for a friend’s Birthday next Friday. At least I will make it for the dinner part and we’ll just have to see about the going out part. Another friend turns thirty today but I’m not sure what she is up to.
I’m all about getting organized to take this one silly class. I realized I don’t have the textbook and can’t get it until the end of the month. Plus, it took so long for the U of A to get back to me on how I should approach this course as a disabled student that I just mailed the forms in with doctor’s letter on Friday. Plus, their is a portion of funding I have to apply to for student grants/loans and I’m waiting on this pin to access my grade 12 diploma marks. They said that would take 2 weeks by mail to receive. Meanwhile, class starts Tuesday and I have no idea how any of this is going to work out — taping lectures and getting handouts. It has made going to just one three hour class stressful.
On the medication front, I have emailed my doctor after a really bad last appointment where she didn’t do anything helpful for me but leave me between a rock and a hard place. She did not increase the amount of one drug I need to fall asleep or increase my clozapine so I can sleep just on that. So, hopefully she responds to the email and I get that sorted out. I’m worried about how that will affect my course. Clozapine is an antipsychotic and those pills can be really aggravating side effects wise.
Every Sunday I go and get my blood work done as per the Clozapine. It’s nice because the place we go is usually deserted on a Sunday. I did a bit of shopping at Kingsway this week and am wondering why places are so late in getting Fall clothes out. It gets chilly pretty quickly here. Wish I had more exciting things to tell you but life is a bit of lemons lately.
I have a makeup blog coming out, a fall fashion one, and the usual flash fiction stories.
I am having one of those bad days, where it’s hard to describe how I feel to other people. I’m trying my best to get out of it but everything has this foggy feeling to me. I feel weak and I have this slight tremor. I have this sharp ache that goes through my body. I just want everything to be clear and to feel good, and not be exhausted as if I can’t do anything because I don’t have the energy.
I guess I’m still getting use to the clozapine and getting use to being off other drugs like the rispirdone. I kid you not but it is so hard to get out of bed in the morning I don’t know how I managed it so much easier before. I don’t know what to expect each day, will I feel good or will I feel awful. Not to mention problems with my sinuses aren’t helping things much. Sure I can sleep at night, but at the cost of feeling bad all day, I don’t know what’s better.
It’s just really frustrating. Even my ears feel over sensitive to sound. And people talking is irritating. These are all the little side effects they say on TV after announcing this miracle drug. You don’t really think too much about them when you go on some medication until you feel the side effects. The truth is sometimes you have to suffer through them and hope they go away. It makes it difficult to get on with your life.
I know I’m complaining, and I don’t mean too so much. I’m just looking forward to a time I will feel better and not sleepy all day. I’m playing the game of chance you play when you try new medications. Have you ever felt awful on a new medication? Did you stay on it or was that it for you?