I’m attempting to understand in unforeseeable circumstances, in a life full of problems, and of problems that continue to become worse, how much control do we really have? As much as I hear it I don’t think the ” You can do it just try harder” answer often works. Or more to the point, it may work for the little control in life we do have but it doesn’t work for that large gray area in life we can try as hard as we want, but still fail.
As much as I want to be in control in my life right now, even sometimes just going outside for a walk, I’m not. I think it’s called lack of motivation. For along time even when I was first ill I always believed I was moving forward and that there was a healthier me ahead. I believed it was possible to maintain a level of healthiness that I could accept and be okay with. Even if I had tiny setbacks they were just that “tiny” and were things I could live with because I had the ability to do certain activities I wanted to do, that I needed to do to keep focused, goal oriented, and I felt happy that I was able to achieve something as small as those something’s were.
With my recent setback to my health I’m having a great deal of trouble coping. Partly, because it happened so fast and medicine does not know how to help me. I am also just coping with boredom and feeling useless because I’m having so much trouble concentrating and need to spend so much time sleeping. The mental effects make me angrier then the physical effects because I have always viewed myself as an intellectual person and not until high school really a physical person. But I’m not in control of this setback and I can’t help feeling depressed. Being able to do things once again even a little bit and having that ability taken away from you is hard to accept.
I’m just not feeling that I have much of any control over my life right now. I have time, but what’s time if you are too tired or exhausted to do anything? What are nice clothes if you have no place to wear them to everyday? What are friends if you don’t have the ability to bus or drive yourself to see them, and the attention span to listen well and enjoy their company? What is life without a purpose? What are talents if you can’t use most of them?
I don’t mean to complain. Many people are experiencing far worse situations and many people you can’t even see are suffering. But I guess we live within our own tiny worlds at times searching for a control that was never really there, realizing we were only ignorant to the suffering going on all around us.