Literary Lion: The Fall of Uriel


www.media.photobucket.com Uriel
http://www.media.photobucket.com
Uriel
Uriel peered down from where he flapped bold strong wings with midnight feathers. He was curious about God’s new creations, these people. Even though Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge God still wanted to save their race. 

But it was not the same for the angels who had risen against God before and tried to seize power. Lucifer and all his minions had fallen into Hell where they suffered on lakes of sulphur and lived in pandemonium, and abandonment. Uriel didn’t understand who would go against God, that was madness and betrayal.

But one night Uriel saw a beautiful woman walking in the moonlight on earth. Her eyes were a deep troubled blue and her hair a cascading wave of golden blond. Her skin was tanned from working in the sun. She had luscious curves to her body and Uriel could not see what was so sinful about her. He watched her as she walked, falling into lust and love. She was beautiful and fascinating to Uriel. 

He knew then that he had broken the rules. He had let romantic love and desire poison him and he had reneged on his orders to protect and cherish the humans in a fatherly way. He thought he would fall to Hell right then and there.

Uriel gasped as flight which he once found so easy became useless, as the feathers began to scatter from his wings. They fell like black snow and he tumbled, rolled, and dived, trying to stay in flight but finding it impossible. Finally, he was falling so fast and far that he couldn’t do anything. He felt the pain of his wings being split from his body as he hit the ground hard.

When he arose he found that he had not landed in Hell but on earth. Uriel had two slashes where his wings had once been on his back, giant raised white scars. He had no superior strength or other angel powers; he had become human and all the suffering and confusion that it was to be human assaulted him. As he began to walk on fragile legs he came across the beautiful woman he had been admiring. She looked at him curiously, but not without interest. He would have to charm her he thought, for he wanted this beautiful woman to become his own, to share this trial with.

But another side of him mourned heaven and his beloved wings; he had broken his bond to serve the Lord. He would gladly serve him on earth now. But as he looked at the lovely woman staring up at him shyly he knew it was worth the fall. Or perhaps, the fall had been God’s gift. 

Thanks to I Smith Words for the prompt fall.

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To Fight or Stand and Wait: An Internal Struggle


www.uk.urbenest.com
http://www.uk.urbenest.com

Sometimes life can be a real struggle. And while we fight our own fights other people can be dealing with worse things in life. They can be fighting for their life while you are trying to climb over an obstacle in life. I always try to think about this when I am having troubles, that I am really blessed, I just have to remember to not take the things in my life for granted. After all, we only have so long in life to live, then we are no more.

Right now I think about all the people I know fighting cancer, especially one close friend and I’m in awe of how they can take the pressure and the all the treatments they have to take to get better. That’s a disease I am exceedingly grateful I don’t have and hope I or my loved one’s never have. I look at my life and think that life maybe difficult but I am not fighting to survive.

But sometimes it’s hard being me. I feel trapped, that I need to take this new medication even though it makes me feel out of it half the time, makes my stomach upset every day, and energy wise has made my standard of life worse — but I can sleep at night. That’s a really big deal. But somedays I wonder what I’m sleeping for if I go out and then come home feeling so sick I am snowed the next day. But I try to tell myself that everything is going to work out and be okay, that God does not let this happen in my life for no reason; even if I cannot see this reason. He has something bigger and better in mind for me, then everything I’ve lost due to mental illness and chronic fatigue.

I went to my Uncle Darvin’s funeral yesterday at church. I haven’t been there in awhile.

www.oxford.anglican.org
http://www.oxford.anglican.org

Ithink part of the reason I haven’t been there is because I’m angry with God that He won’t make me better. That my friends new and old, are moving on with their lives getting married and having kids. They are at a good place in their careers and I don’t even have one. I always thought things would be okay for me because I was an an adaptable person, that I could handle change and my personality fit in well with most anybody. But now I am not sure what my purpose is in life? I didn’t even know I was angry at God until I was talking to a psychologist and started crying when she asked me if I still think God is punishing me. I don’t think he is but it really made me think. I have no right to be angry at God —  it is the fact that their is sin in this world from Adam and Eve (original sin) that their is disease and a whole lot of awful diseases, events, and people that exist. We are born into sin, just as I am genetically predisposed to have a sensitivity to depression or affective disorders.

But I question why God allows these bad things to happen when he has the power to stop them? Maybe, we are being tested? Maybe, God is teaching us to be faithful to Him and to pay less attention to the world? Maybe, we are meant to bring others to faith through illness? Maybe, God is teaching us to love Him through our suffering? He tells us three-hundred and sixty-seven times in the Bible to not be afraid. But I’m afraid of living my life like this when I cannot fully take care of myself, cooking meals when I need to, going to places I need to go, affording to take care of myself, and having my own life which I can develope relationships with new people. I guess that is why you just take life one day at a time. Because if you looked at the whole picture it might terrify you.

Cima_da_Conegliano,_God_the_FatherBut I was glad to be in church yesterday. There was a lot of people I grew up with there that it was good to see. But it made me realize that a lot of these people are growing old and won’t be around forever. So, I need to make a better effort to visit them, even if I am not feeling up to it. It felt familiar to sing hymns and it was good to say goodbye to Uncle Darvin and hear about his life.

I have always thought God made me fighter. Gave me strength to get through the things I need to get through. But sometimes I wonder if he wants us to fight or if as the Bible says he will fight for us, “we need only be still.” One of my favorite songs is called “Be Still.” I have shared and talked about it on this blog several times, its by The Fray. The lead singer the in song maybe talking to his girlfriend or friend but I think, or like to believe, that He is singing the voice of God, telling us to ” remember hard the words [he] said, be still, be still, and know” that he is here for us.

https://youtu.be/Vtp-p7qFI2I (See my Blog For “Be Still” music video)

Another thought on the subject is the last line of the poem “On His Blindness” by John Milton a favourite poet. John Milton was a writer most famous for Paradise Lost and later in life became blind. He got his daughters to write for him at that point. But he questioned God (he was a Christian) and why God would let this happen. He writes ” [a]nd that one talent which is death to hide / [l]odg’d with me useless . . . (1-2)”. And I kind of feel like him sometimes. At home with my writing and english language skills, how I am serving God and humanity with my talents when I cannot not concentrate long and get a job where I can use these skills or do any volunteer work that uses my talents. But in his poem, Milton comes to an answer about our talents and what God needs of us. He writes in lines ten to fourteen: ”

‘God doth not need
Either man’s work or his own gifts: who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed
And post o’er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait.’ “

www.biography.com
http://www.biography.com

It’s something to think about that God does not require us to be useful as the world does. “They also serve who only stand and wait.” (14) Like servants waiting for a King those who simply wait to serve God, and never seem useful in life, they also serve God, they are useful to Him.

I think that clears my mind a bit and gives you some insight into my life lately. I know not everybody believes in God or my God but I hope you find it enlightening despite that. Or maybe you will find it helpful, I hope you do. Here is the full poem by John Milton:

When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodg’d with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide,
“Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?”
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies: “God doth not need
Either man’s work or his own gifts: who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed
And post o’er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait.”

Things Fall Apart


“Things Fall Apart,” not only a famous book but an undoubted truth – such is life that when everything seems to be going good, everything crumbles and we spiral downwards into despair. In the book “Things Fall Apart” the story is centered around a warrior from the tribal world Okonkwo from an Ibo village in Nigeria. Okonkwo’s fall from grace is paralleled by the fall of his tribe by the “proselytizing” European missionaries. In life there, are many times that things just do not work out just like they began to not work out for Okonkwo’s, maybe not such on a massive level. But I bet you, everyday somewhere, somebody’s life is falling a part. Yesterday, it was mine, or it seemed like it…

There was this big fight, and suddenly I was going from living in the comfortable house I live in, being able to deal with my illness, and provide for myself not only what I need but what I want – to $700.00 short of being able to live on my own. I could not believe that suddenly, at this almost Christmas time of year that I was having to put a budget together of what I would need to live on my own each month; I new from the beginning I did not make enough on disability. I started looking at condo and apartment listings in the downtown area, places close to transit and where I needed to be. I realized I would not be able to finish my Residential Interior’s Certificate, that I would have to take on massive student loans to be do a Master’s – everything, all these realities of life hit me. Worst, of all I saw no choice but to live alone, knowing all my friends and family have good places to live right now, knowing people would not understand how it is to have depression all the time – that tiredness that only depressed people know about. If you would have looked at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and said where I was deficient I could have told you first and foremost saftey; I did not feel safe anymore. Suddenly, too my basic needs were not provided for and that leads to panic. Okonkwo must have panicked as his world fell apart but I could not tell you, it has been years since I read the book and I pulled it out for a ‘Reading Group’ again.

Today I am not panicking though. The ground has returned beneath my feet and I think I’ll be staying where I am for awhile. Still sooner, rather than later I think more and more I need to be out on my own. I want to be out on my own, but my health does not allow me much for that. And the person I was fighting with, he did not get this – no matter how many times he said ” I understand your needs.” He did not. I think things have blown over and he still does not understand and this worries me. That because I am home, the work I do for my courses, the articles I write is not considered important, and I am expected even though I often do not have the energy to always pick up, clean up the tiniest little details – that are not important; they are just little things – inconsequential – when I am working towards much bigger goals of independence, and trying to go out to work on my own half time. While, at the same time I have a brother who works and goes out does what he wants, and hardly does anything as well; this is okay just because he pays rent and works? I bear my brother no ill will – but I said I would pay rent to – and he tells me he would still expect the same from me, it is a double standard. I do not understand. So sometime in the years maybe months I will have to find the money to live on my own – I think it must be that way that you just get to a point and say – I am done leave me in peace and let me live how I live; it is not hurting you or affecting you in any large way so let me be. So things fell a part and they still do not feel back together.

My life feels wedged together, rough hewn stones mashed together made to fit, because we must all put on a smile and never really deal with the issues. I did not see it coming, and neither did Okonkwo. I do not want to be this person he blows up at because he has issues. Those he needs to take care of, if he is holding them inside, he needs to run, go do something, go talk to my uncles or something, write. . . I cannot deal with his issues and mine when I become the target of his anger. And it just pulls me a part; ruins my days. Makes me not sleep – something that is already a big issue for me.  And maybe I should not be writing about them on here. But I use no names, I share with no one but strangers, and I know how to deal when things fall a part. You write about them, share them, because that is how you  stay whole, learn how to deal – and I know better than him how things fall a part. If you leave them, if you left them you can go crashing down into a void that will take you years to extract yourself from – such is depression.

And I am trying to be forgiving but this time I cannot forget. Forgive seventy times seven Jesus says. Once would do it I think, if I could do that I would be grateful. Do not let yourself be caught in issues, in anger, in things like this – just talk about it calmly. Hear both sides of the issues, and listen to someone when they tell you, you are missing something big. It is easy to wear blinders. Do not make other people responsible for your actions, allow them their space, especially when they have no other choice in where they maybe. Forgive as much as you can, until even though at first you just say it, it becomes true. And try to remember that although people may not love you the way you want them to, maybe it is the best they can do.

For now, I do what my boyfriend says, and do nothing. Let it be and do a little cleaning and just let things be. As Paul McCartney sings ” …there will be an answer, let it be.”

 

Taylor Swift: A RedReview and Good Times Punch


English: Taylor Swift at the 2010 Time 100.
English: Taylor Swift at the 2010 Time 100. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Good Morning! Recently I have been writing articles for an online Magazine called Flurt  a magazine who seeks to “empower young women.” A Red Review is the first article I wrote for them. The second, was an article called Good Times Punch. So please enjoy on the links provided, I hope to have many more articles to share with you as the months go on and hopefully some new blog posts as well:

Taylor Swift: A Red Review

http://www.flurtsite.com/2012/11/taylor-swift-a-red-review/

Good Times Punch

http://www.flurtsite.com/2012/11/good-times-punch/

 

 

 

 

Taylor Swift: A RedReview and Good Times Punch


English: Taylor Swift at the 2010 Time 100.
English: Taylor Swift at the 2010 Time 100. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Good Morning! Recently I have been writing articles for an online Magazine called Flurt  a magazine who seeks to “empower young women.” A Red Review is the first article I wrote for them. The second, was an article called Good Times Punch. So please enjoy on the links provided, I hope to have many more articles to share with you as the months go on and hopefully some new blog posts as well:

Taylor Swift: A Red Review

http://www.flurtsite.com/2012/11/taylor-swift-a-red-review/

Good Times Punch

http://www.flurtsite.com/2012/11/good-times-punch/

 

 

 

 

Cause We Never Stop Growing


Garden flower
Garden flower (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.

Chinese Proverb

Personal Growth is sometimes a difficult thing to achieve. Often, I think I find myself in a place where I have stopped growing, where I am just stuck! But I am finding more and more that feeling stuck is an illusion. Often it appears that we have come to a stand still in our lives but instead, we are growing slowly, inching towards our new selves, towards the future. The funny thing about personal growth is that sometimes when we feel as if we are on top of the world, that we have achieved our goals and are in a good place, we do not want to grow anymore. But as the poet Andrew Marvell writes in the poem “To His Coy Mistress” ” [b]ut at my back I always hear/Time’s winged chariots hurrying near” (21-22). Time is always changing and moving ahead despite our best wishes to keep things as they are; we do not have time enough to wait.

Case in point, my fourth year of university was one of the best years of my life. I was getting a 3.7 average, I had made some of the best friends of my life, my skin was nice, I was the perfect weight. My nights I spent partying and drinking with my friends, my days I spent writing english paper’s which were at this point in my university career not so difficult, I worked the perfect number of hours (15 -17 hours)at the university bookstore where I worked with all my friends and because of my job I could afford to drink and buy some of the clothes I wanted. Plus, and maybe most of all, I had a bright future ahead. I graduated with distinction and had a big fun grad party and dinner. I was at that time, at the top of my world. But time never stays still and although my university career had blossomed into that awesome fourth ( which continued into half a fifth year) year, it was time for me to grow again.

After year five and half of years of university it was time to get a job. And I did get a job through temping eventually at an excellent company as a receptionist. I even moved up into the position of construction administrative assistant and had been told I had a future as at least an assistant project manager. Things looked hopeful, I was growing, learning my way in the business world. Making contacts, building a career, doing everything I thought that my training in school had brought me to be – an actual grown up. But then out of nowhere I got sick. And funny enough although I grew and changed through those good times in university and that first year at work, it is when I was sickest that I really began to grow.

In my blog on avoiding boredom, I mentioned a lot about that time I had an episode. How I had to fight to keep a routein to give myself something to look forward to. But what I did not say was how hard it was to be stuck at home unable to drive (my reaction times were slow and I did not have the energy to drive). When my friends were out drinking and doing all these night activities I could not do them with them because I was too tired after 9 pm; I was stuck at home. I missed meeting a lot of people and seeing a lot of friends. Even taking the bus tired me out, and often still does . I gained weight from the medication, my head was hazy, my body not my own – it moved slowly and ached incessantly at my neck and shoulders. Now like I said in that article, I am gaining back my energy and gaining back my life. I am going to classes, meeting up with friends and different times again, exercising as much as I can. But that growing process from poor health to my current health status was one of the hardest times of my life.

I know times will get harder, that I am young and that their will be other tough times but this was the first time I had every had to deal with anything of this magnitude. When I was at my lowest I grew the most. I felt a strong call back to God, to Jesus and religion. I also felt a strong bond develop again between my parents and I. My parent’s were with me through the whole ordeal and never left my side. I began to connect with other family like my grandma, godparents’ and friends I had been too busy to see before. I developed deeper and stronger bonds with my university friends that were not just based around drinking and partying but around other common interests and good times. Sometimes I said goodbye to certain friend’s in certain ways because we could never be the friends we once were. I grew and I grew.

I continue to grow and I realize that this is a process that will never stop. As Marvell complained to his mistress, time, time, is “always near” (22-23). But he did have some good advice as to this problem. Marvell said to his mistress: 

Let us roll all our strength, and all

Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run. (41-46)
 We like Marvell and his mistress must deal with the life we have and grow, grow anyways no matter what our situation and “tear our pleasures” in life, enjoy what we can (43). And even when we think things are not changed or will not change, we are wrong because time continues to move, the sun to rise and set. We are always growing and looking back I can really see myself develop as time changed not only when times were good, but especially when times were bad. As the saying goes: What does not kill you, makes you stronger and I intend not to just make my “sun / [s]tand still” but to “make him run” (45-46).
Works Cited
Marvell, Andrew. Representative Poetry Online. “To His Coy Mistress.” 1681. 10 May

Be Still


You Found Me

Be Still- The Fray

http://youtu.be/Vtp-p7qFI2I

I have been so blessed and lucky in my life to have people to depend on, to never be alone even in my darkest times. But I know that this is not the case for everyone – that family fails, friends fails, and things even though you think they could not get any lower, do. When I first, heard the song Be Still by the Fray it reminded me of this, of how life can really get you down sometimes; but it also reminded me of how there is always hope in life even in our darkest hours. For me, this is a song I could hear God telling people as they pray for relief from problems, that he will never fail us even though humanity may. It is also a song I can hear people telling each other, even though they do disappoint each other sometimes, that we are all here on this earth to support each other, sometimes against each other, sometimes for each other. The simple repitition of the words “Be still, be still, be still” also reminded me that even though we are falliable people, with our support networks of religion, family, and friends we are able to cope. I also just wanted to offer hope to anyone out there who needs it right now. Things will get better, take a quiet moment to think “to be still” and know your are not alone. For your enjoyment I have quoted some of the lyrics of the song for you below and if you like it is available on Itunes to download or on you tube:

…Be still and know that I’m with you, be still and know that I am here. Be still and know that I’m with you, be still, be still, and know. When darkness comes from you and covers you with fear and shame, be still and know that I’m with you, and I will say your name … when you go through the valley, and the shadow comes down from you, if morning never comes to be, be still, be still, be still. If you forget the way to go and lose where you came from. If no one is standing beside you, be still and know I am. – The Fray

If you have heard the song, or read the lyrics, what did you think of the song? Does it provide hope for you? Does it make you feel peaceful and think of the supports you have in your life? Maybe even the fact that it is a song a simple, piece of music can provide people with hope. What do you think?