Relationship Lessons from a Learner

shutterstock_60504643-1024x682 I never really had a boyfriend for a long time. Sure I dated a few guys but mostly I was interested in hanging out with my girls. I never minded being their wing-woman or being left in the background. Occasionally, I met a guy that was nice enough and cute enough that I thought I might like to see him a second time, but those situations never went anywhere rarely.

And for some reason there was a guy or 2 I developed these long-lasting crushes on but nothing seemed to happen with those even though I liked the guy and I knew they liked me. I was terribly shy, especially in University and those guys always turned out to be the guys who needed all the attention and the affirmation that I was girlfriend or dating material from their 20 closest guy pals and girl friends. I just wanted to get to know them first I guess.

But something happened to me after a good while, I stopped being so afraid of guys, being shy and being so picky. I thought about how nice it would be just to let some guy I usually wouldn’t give a chance, have a chance. I thought about all the guys my age out there and started going on online dating sites. I smiled more at cute guys I’d run into and tried to be more friendly to the single male friends of my friend’s boyfriends. I am not sure I accomplished being more outgoing every time because generally when my energy goes I am a walking zombie but I like to think that I learned something from university until that point.

The first lesson I learned was to give guys you normally wouldn’t a chance. It is very important to be attracted to guy but your not perfect and every guy you meet is not going to have every quality or attribute you have on your list and vice versa. The second thing I learned is that a guy who really likes you will not just wave or make time for you when he’s not with his buddies but he’ll actually seek you out and talk to you and when you talk to him he’ll want to talk to you and make an effort even if it’s difficult for one or both of you to talk because of nerves. I think most relationships are awkward at first, even just friendships. But it takes time to build up a data bank in your head of what a person likes, what they do in their time, what their hobbies are, their facial expressions etc.

On the other hand, a guy who gives you that wicked glint of a stare but really doesn’t talk to you, he’s just eye candy and if an effort or two trying to talk to him doesn’t yield much or yields too much, he’s not worth the effort. There are plenty of guys out there who are. 12-relationship-truths

When I met my current boyfriend, he was not what I expected at all. First of all, he wasn’t six foot something like the guys I usually went for and he dressed really well. He was handsome, muscular but not a big guy, not much taller than I. I was nervous but felt immediately comfortable around him and we were holding hands pretty fast. He works out by Fort McMurry so I only see him a few days every few weeks. The most important thing, and difficult thing I am learning with him is to keep the lines of communication open especially in a long distance relationship, I had to train myself and teach him to text me often to just keep in touch just so the presence of him was always in my life and I was in his life. At first, he would leave and I wouldn’t hear barely anything and I would feel this total loss of connection and then he would come back and the connection would be great. This is still an issue we deal with but I have learned communication especially with men who often don’t explain themselves well or don’t like to be held accountable to their whereabouts is vital. My brother’s are the same way.

Another thing I learned from this relationship was to not count my boyfriend out. I really wasn’t sure what was going on at first so I just went for it. We had fun together and when I asked him if he was my boyfriend 4 months or so into our dating he was like ” I guess so…” This felt disappointing. In fact, he tried to break up with me a week later and I convinced him to just give it a shot than I broke up with him. Then he phoned me back a few days later and said he thought we really had something and he wanted to see where it would go. I wasn’t expecting much when I first went out with him, just a few dates, some making out. But then he became my boyfriend and it was pretty thrilling to actually finally have a boyfriend. But I also discovered that relationships are a lot of work, men are a lot of work, and keeping a long distance relationship afloat is even harder.

Yesterday I was ready to end it all. I said I had enough. We had planned to hang out and he was just too busy. I was frustrated. It seemed to me like he was always too busy doing something. Eventually you just have to make a plan with your girlfriend and stick with it as best as you can. Plus, sometimes I can get frustrated because he’s a night person and I’m not. He wants to hang out at night and I’m often ready to go to bed. I like to do stuff in the day, it’s when I’m at my best but he’s usually sleeping sometimes to 3 pm when he is off work.

I thought about what I wanted and what I wanted after a 1 year and 4 months was a loving relationship where my boyfriend thought I was as important as his religion ( or near importance to his religion), family, and job by this point in time. I wanted to be a priority and you make time for priorities.

I think this is also an important issue in relationships making your special person feel loved and wanted, showing them that they are really important to you. You can do this by spending time with them even just doing everyday things like getting groceries. You can pick them up if they don’t drive, that’s one I always appreciate. You can let them help you out in life even though you are an independent person. As the poem goes, “No man is an island…” Everybody needs somebody sometimes. It’s not just a saying but a truth. Why do we have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, and partners in life? Because we need each other, because it’s easier to have someone to depend on, to raise a family with. You can do these things alone but by far it is easier when you make room for someone else and share the load.

After, talking with my boyfriend I think we worked it out. I hope he gets it. And understands that girls just need a lot of reassurance too. Which leads me to my last point, forgiveness is really important in any relationship. Love does not hold grudges and blame. Love lets go and tries to see the best in people not the worst. So I know I haven’t got much experience as the dating world goes but maybe what I learned can help some of you. So you will see what to do before you make the same mistakes I did. Unfortunately I am told experience is always the worst teacher it gives the test first, and the lesson last.