“Come on Arryn. This is our annual vacation since we’ve been eighteen-years-old. You have to come to Phoenix.” Harley begged.
Arryn loved golfing, drinking beer, and the various sport’s games he and Harley usually attended on their trips. But Lisa was eight-months pregnant and Arryn wasn’t comfortable leaving her alone all day. The Doctor said Lisa should stay off her feet and Lisa seemed to ignore this particular instruction.
“Harley,” Arryn said, “I think this isn’t the best time for a holiday.” Harley scoffed. “I knew you would back-out. Lisa isn’t dying, she’s pregnant.”
You can let yourself be stressed out and take everything upon yourself. You can force yourself to do too much when you know that you should stop. You don’t think “me” time is needed; you think it’s a bit selfish. Then you break, you shatter. The person you become is not someone you recognize. It is you at rock bottom and you wonder if there is a method of putting yourself back together. You wonder if you can ever be whole again. Because right now you are empty. The busyiness and fast rhythm of time ticking can never be stilled. You were never told to be careful, to slow down.
You ignored the signs that things weren’t right. You thought maybe you had a bad flu or ongoing cold. You thought a trip to the medicenter would make it all better. That you could put band-aids over the ever widening crack in your persona. You thought you could hide behind laughs, smiles, and declarations that you were feeling terrific. You never said how tired you were, how you lay awake at night. How this ‘thing’ started to creep up on you until it owned you and had you shuddering and suffering, bracing for impact. Your breath was shallow, you were lost beneath the pain. You became your pain and the torture of what you had become ate at your insides so that you wouldn’t eat; you weren’t interested. You thought it would make it easier on everyone if you would fade away. You suffered. No one is able to handle suffering at first but you grew used to it. You entertained suffering in the drawing room of your mind over endless cups of tea. Your world was a dark dank prison that you couldn’t escape. You wished for light to rain on you but all you got was a few cinders of fire. You became angry, blamed God, blamed the world, blamed your parents for giving you such genes, for your existence. And when you were at the deepest and most pitifullness of your trial you saw a candle in the window of your soul and held your frost bitten hands to the flame and began to soak in the warmth.
You lit more candles. You felt the heat rise through your limbs and pierce the empty places you had inside of you. You began to morph into a creature you scarce dreamed you could be. You changed, slowly, and methodically. It was a process but soon the darkness became twilight and you knew the worst was over. These were waters you could swim in now. The shore was close at hand, and landing on the beach you cried tears of joy. Your frail body was regaining strength and mobility. Your tortured mind became clear and your thoughts became peaceful and you smiled for the first time in ages. The sun came up that day, and didn’t go down. It was a special day. You had recovered yourself and found in your suffering that you were stronger then you knew. Strength was in your heart and soul. You were fortified and built up. And the next time you fell, you got back up. You didn’t let yourself get sucked down into the prison you left alive. You didn’t let your life become over run thinking there was always something you had to do and couldn’t miss. You learned to cope and learned what you were missing wasn’t as good as you thought it would be. You made choices for the better. You lived to tell your tale; others do not.
It has been awhile since I have given you an update on my life. My theme today is my title ” The Story of Our Lives: Everything is Right, Then Everything Is Wrong ” which could have simply said It is impossible for any of us to maintain balance in our lives for a length of time. Life is a series of highs and lows or as John Milton in Paradise Lost might have said: in life we move between despair and overindulgence. Or in other terms, life is like being bipolar your either depressed – as low as you can go, or way high up – having too much of a good time, abusing your limits; there is no or it is difficult to maintain that happy medium in life.
I am so sure, am still so sure that I am met to be a writer in this life, that I have more training left to do as a writer. I have been so sure of few things. But now 2 not 1 obstacles lie in the way of my goal to take an online Masters in Creative Writing at UBC. The first is and has always been getting myself into a program that only accepts 25% of it’s applicants and is a one of a kind program online, especially for non fiction in North America. That did not seem like it was such a large obstacle but the largest impediment to me doing my Masters is me and how I have dealt with my money situation.
I make a limited income on disability and now I will make an even more limited one because every month for the next 5 years I have to pay off my loan to pay off my credit cards. I had to get my parent’s to co-sign on the loan because I had no collateral too. I have tried to gain control of my financial situation before but I have failed twice and this time I cannot fail. It will be hard staying on a budget and being well poor for 5 years but I need to learn. Even harder, is the fact that I cannot just get a better job or another job to pay my debts. What is actually quite a small debt for others, to me is a very large debt being in my financial and health situation. It is doubtful that anytime soon, I will earn more than I get on disability. What is worse, I cannot afford to do my Masters even with scholarships I would be getting and not doing what I know I am meant to be doing really tares me up.
I have not quite acquainted myself with the truth of the situation, that I will only be able to take courses in writing, art, or whatever at the U of A’s Faculty of Extension because $100 a month is all I can afford to save, to save to do something in the week – take one course. I am tossing around the idea of taking writing and editing courses. I could take more creative writing courses but there is no certificate available in that area as I wish there was. Another option for me is to take a fine arts certificate, I have always wanted to do that. I could draw or paint, most likely draw I think because I have 2 courses towards that area, but I really just want to write. This will give me 5 years to develop my writing more I tell myself, you don’t need a masters to be a good writer, but the contacts I would have made and the things I would have learned would have been invaluable! So one day hopefully, I will take that Masters but not soon. It is a moment of despair for me but like any Phoenix, I must rise from my ashes. Cliche but true.
So I am a bit lost right now. I am playing the waiting game, what direction God do you want me to move in? To what will be my next purpose? I don’t know I just know I have to keep a tight budget. I have to do something with my time and that something must have a goal or a purpose. I have to find other ways to keep busy besides shopping online, and lose weight other ways besides expensive weight loss centers. Life is shadowed for me right now. But I know in time my path will be revealed ‘Thy Word Is A Lamp Unto My Feet, and A Light Onto My Path?’ I have spoken about this before, walking through darkness only being able to see a footstep in front of you. Following even though you do not know where life is going. It’s such a hard thing to do and it is necessary to find balance even though I cannot maintain that balance long; balance in life is key.