A Personal Update and a Poem: What’s Been Going on & Italian Sonnets –“The Race’s End” #poetry #amwriting #life #nonfiction 


Credit: http://www.pinterest.com

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I feel like I’ve been distant on here lately. But sometimes you need a break from the usual. I have always found it easy to pull a lot of inspiration from myself and those around me. From past experiences and from my friends and events around the world. Christianity too can be something encouraging as well as a vivid imagination.

I have been trying my hand at some freelancing but it’s been a lot of effort. It saddens me to see how little a writer’s words are worth be they for blog, article, or essay. But at least where I am now pays a better than where I started at which was doing short pieces of writing for experience only. So I have been trying to do some other writing as well as blogging. Some days it’s works and others not so much. I know I’ve had to cut back on my prompts recently so my blog schedule will be based on how much I have to do each week for freelancing. I’m not earning much of a thing but at least I feel like I’m contributing a bit more and learning new ideas.

I also continue to look for and submit poetry and some short story fiction to some different sites and magazines as well as edit my novel when I’m able to focus on a couple of chapters at a time. If anyone enjoys writing and is interested in being a beta reader for a paranormal romance please let me know. I would appreciate your opinions very much. My book is on Wattpad so you’d have to read it in their, but it has an app and allows a person to comment on each chapter after they’ve read it. Or you can go to the site on your computer HERE. Just check it out and if you’re interested in reading my book, let me know in the comment section below. I appreciate it! 💕❤ My user name is @mandibelle16

One thing I love about writing is that I am always acquiring more knowledge. Recently, I have been doing more academic writing and I have been relearning citation and rules for academia. At the same time I think about my novel and my other creative writing in the back of my mind, finding distance has given me a better perspective on my plots, characters, and stories.

Also sometimes watching your favourite TV or Netflix programs, reading books, and walking outside in the warmer weather we’ve been having, makes one feel well and helps me think things through and visit different angles. “Suits” is an excellent and entertaining legal drama if anyone’s interested in watching the seasons on Netflix. As I’m going through my own case right now, it drew me in but its characters are witty, charming, and funny except for the character of Louis. But you have to hand it to the actor, he does a superb job of being slimy and repulsing lol.

Additionally, I’ve also been drawing, working on portraits, and colouring using various mediums. Art very much  inspires me so it’s been fun to play around with that a while. I’m also working on a few technical glitches with my blog and the WordPress app, trying to figure some of those things out as well. I do want to make some changes to my blog. It’s only a matter of sitting down, figuring them out in the little time I have concentration well enough — along with everything else — and then doing those changes. Eventually, I’ll figure it out 🙂

As well, I’ve been working on my health. This year I have tried to learn a more basic healthy recipes and I’ve researched my health condition a bit more. I’m doing this 5:2 Diet which means five days a week you eat how many calories you would eat for your body and amount you exercise. It’s recommended for CFS/ME patients as medication can cause significant gain.  As I can do little beyond a small walk now and then and some weight loss yoga, I eat just over sixteen hundred calories a day but of course a woman who exercised more or was just out and about more would eat around two thousand calories or more on a normal day.

On a side note: I so recommend an online subscription to Gaia if you can’t make it to yoga classes at the gym always. They have all different levels and lengths of workouts. From beginner to difficult yoga of all types, to Pilates videos, meditation and breathing videos, and short little videos that relieve back or neck pain in around ten minutes which I love. Everyday new videos are added and you there is such an array of options that it is so worth the subscription about $13.00 (in Canadian currency)/month and I think anywhere from about $7.00 to $9.00 US depending on your subscription.

Anyways, two days a week on the 5:2 Diet, you choose which days you eat only 500 calories as a woman and only 600 if you’re a man. Once you get into it, it’s not so bad and you learn what foods are filling and healthy to eat. I haven’t been able to drop to five hundred calories but about to 600 on fast days. I do yoga of twenty to twenty-five minutes for two and sometimes three days a week and I’ve been able to lose what the diet promises, about a pound a week. So for me after three weeks, three pounds and today was the first time I noticed my clothes fitting better. That’s my hope honestly, for my clothing that I own and like a lot, to fit well. Also, to be able to continue purchasing future clothing in regular sizing. (P.S. I have plans for some spring fashion and makeup blogs so we’ll see how things go later!!).
Once a person gets to their ideal weight on the 5:2 Diet, they can keep fasting two days a week or drop to one day a week to maintain. Out of all the programs/diets I’ve tried I love that this is safe weightless and healthy because it’s four or five pounds a month and about making choices to eat better and to exercise instead just for a little bit at a time.

You don’t receive that instant ‘wow factor’ as fast-diets promise but I believe this is healthier for you because it takes place over months and is doable for ‘life.’ If you mess up, choose another day that week to fast and after the first week you honestly are used to the fasts for the two days. Two days are easier than dieting for an entire week all the time.

I didn’t think it would work as I had read about it before with caution. However, the plan worked for a family member first who showed my some YouTube videos on it and they were quite convincing. He has lost the weight and maitained his level of exercise. So something to check out if you’re interested. I borrowed the book from the library and it’s a simple diet to be sure.

Also, I’m afraid my biweekly interview is going to be a day or two late this week as I’ve got to finish a project first. So apologies there. As for my lack of writing and commenting, I will do as much as I’m able.

So without further ado, here’s a poem I wrote a while back. It’s comforting but also sad. It’s based around, knowing a loved one is facing the end. It’s difficult for the person and their loved ones, but at the same time, relief because that person will never feel pain again in Heaven.

Thanks for reading!

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Credit: http://www.pinterest.com

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” I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.” – 1 Timothy 4:7-8 (NIV)

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One last mile, one more Christmas comes to pass,
Praying for ages, memories and lifetimes.
The quicksand buries, but light still yet shines,

A beacon, slowly immersed — death’s paid wrath,

We don’t know how long the present will last.

Keep wide the door, heaven’s gate you’ll enter,

All time converges, earth isn’t center.

We’re a blip, nothing’s linear, we’re the past;

Before glory, laud, and honour shown,

Is to God, in our eternal rest and home.

Someday you’ll go, tears mark your finish line,

But these days you run, pray you’re unconfined;

To be free of your burdens, what you dread,

Your time with us not taken — not the end.

—-

You’ve run the race my friend, endured the course,

And all our memories are so dear, of your face —

Brightly lit, your smile, a fighter’s proud grace.

You kept it up, as long as you could, and would —

Have had a runner’s chance, enduring pain, stood —

Humbled but kept striding in all you faced.

Every hill with vision, pose, setting your pace;

Life, your race, needed winning; without fear —

Embrace the end engaged; approaching so near,

Throw yourself into battle you’ve waged,

Never to be a victor, not to be caged;

Instead found eternal rest, your end page,

Last word fin, your Lord called: “Come home dear one.”

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©Mandibelle16. (2017) All Rights Reserved.

Poem: Free Verse – “Prayer for the Small Things” #amwriting #poetry #prayer


Credit: Saatchi Art – Thank God For Women Legs by Thomas Saliot

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Oh Lord, thank God for the small things, 

The words and acts of kindness, 

Which help me through the day.

Thank God for the small things, 

Each day I’m fed, 

I’ve many clothes to wear.

Thank you that I too can be generous

That you gave me a Mother who taught —

Her daughter to be thoughtful, 

So I wouldn’t think only of myself. 

And even when I’m hurt and crying

I can see a silver lining in that cloud. 

*****

Lord, thank you for the small things, 

A life I’m given to live

No matter how battered or bruised

You’re my armour and you never leave. 

Your champions wage

Though the whirlpool may swallow;

You bring us through to the other side. 

New blessings each day, 

More than we need or want, or deserve

Thank you for the small things. 

For earnings, for caring friends, 

For a heart that doesn’t break when it’s bent

Thank you for love; however, small it was, 

For those who hurt me, 

So I knew then, what forgiveness was. 

*****

Lord, oh for the small things, 

That kindness could be formed in me, 

To kill the badness, the jealousy

Thank you for keeping him safe, 

For him not being my guy, 

Though I pray for him still, 

You keep him secure, alive —

I pray you give him faith

And draw us both close to you. 

*****

Thank you my almost love, 

Is not in the big picture. 

I hope he sees his wealth, 

His privilege comes, 

Not only with acts of goodness

But faith in God, in Jesus —

From his heart

If I see him again —

Help me to not turn away but to repair

So much is your power, 

You could change a man’s mind. 

Help him see he is lost in the law, 

He needs your grace to believe

*****

Thank you Lord, for the small things, 

My family, my friends, those I detest. 

My lost pets, my forgotten foes. 

Every man I felt something special for,

For the ones who hurt me deep and cut in;

I didn’t bleed out and die inside. 

I moved on, survived

I’m doing okay. 

*****

Thank you I was born in this day and age

Not one-hundred something years ago or more. 

For medical advances, social programs, 

And people more understanding, 

At least I hope

Thank you that one day, I’ll see you face to face,
Thank you Lord, for the small things, 

For to me they’re very big.

My prayer I give and keep in my heart

For your omniscient presence, 

For your healing,

Oh Lord, I ask and give thanks. 

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©Mandibelle16. (2016) All Rights Reserved. 

Poem: Free Verse – ” The Truth”


The following is a re-blog and re-edited version of an old poem I found:


pearl-in-clam
Credit: http://www.globe-views.com

The Truth is as a pearl,

polished and genuine,

Gleaming in the waters still.

Deep beneath where the —

Light dances and shimmies on the water’s surface.

It is something taken for granted, something I gave up.

It’s became this hole inside my heart burning, seething,

Twisted and warped beyond recognition.

An evil formed out of something so pure.

A repulsive ugliness which strangles me.


I want to give you that pearl let it gleam in the sun;

Let it adorn a jeweled neck, a sign of hope on a beauties breast.

But I lied and I took our security away,

I lashed myself tight to seaweed, strands of purple haze, watery worries —

They will be my grave, they will make you despise me.

For I am broken soul now and I cannot turn around.

I am set in my ways, though I wail and turn wane.

You are the light of a pearl, the soft flick of ashes, your lashes —

The soot of my pain, as I lie to you again.

The scent of those ashes, that burning acrid smell;

Reminds me of churches, of a place purer than pearls.

Where the air is so still I can hear my breath wrack,

Hear my heart beat, find forgiveness relief.

As I cry in my soul, it’s forgiven but torn.

While you pray to nothing, it separates us more.


I speak of a heart beat between you and me,

A quiet place we rest, but you make me cry in pain.

Wound me, complete me, and I bite my tongue

As my wry wit replies, to the pain on my peaches and cream,

The  bruises the aches in my legs, to find no peace.

In that, there is nothing but the trapping of my lies,

The seaweed grief come to strangle my reprieve.

A word of love, taken back, a thought, perhaps, I care little.

But when I am skin to skin and feel,

As close as to anyone that I’ve ever been,

When I would give to you what I’d give to no one else,

You turn your back, you leash me, stop my attempts to train,

So I swirl in and out of this complicated romance, the jumper in the whirlpool.

The one plashless, hopeless because she cannot take back time,

Thinks you and the pearl that glimmers in her eye, would have never been,

Had she not minced words and told you:

“I feel nothing — leave me be;

I enjoy the closeness but you are no shiny pearl of truth.”


I see the future unravel, unruly, uninvited coming near,

Ending because you refuse to believe,

In the significance of ashes and churches.

Because I refuse to live in the world,

The woman with a pearl around her neck.

It’s chocking me, the truth, it slides,

A warm gold chain that clasps the pearl in place,

Tightens the pearl around me neck,

Until lost breath is imminent.

When will I say them, those impending words?

When will I say it I cannot trust you,

I cannot tell the truth,

You choose to do works when faith is needed.

You hurt me, and care little to understand me,

My lips seal the words, close them in a box, turn the key;

Pandora’s box ready to unleash this pearl of wisdom,

Perhaps, wise words, but there are no wise-men here.


©Mandibelle16. (2016) All Rights Reserved.

Forgiveness and Moving On


When I was a little girl I forgave easily. I did not hold grudges like other little children did. Sure I fought back every once in awhile. I threw some books in John Zammits face and burst into tears when he wanted the same books I did in grade 1. I was 6 years old and I can’t say why but I really didn’t like the kid at times. I kicked Keisha, a girl in my grade 2 classes sister because she was so big, annoying, and ungirlish at the time. But generally, I was a good kid kid and good at forgiving people for what they did to me even though sometimes I was bullied. I suppose the other reason was that my parents told me if another kid ever bullied me kick them back. And I have to say that method of reasoning worked great for me.

But as I got older forgiveness became harder to give. Altercations were not just about silly little things anymore. Hurt was personal and deep. It wasn’t physical fighting but emotional and psychological battles that most girls played. Sometimes it was so hurtful I wished they really would have just tried to punch me because although I was gentle I was tough. Ignoring people was the best thing to do my parents told me. Thus after, girls who were my friends talked behind my back, called me names, but I knew they were just jealous of something – I just ignored them and the mind games stopped.

Harder than that was the high school type bulling I experienced in University. Suddenly, some uber good looking guy liked me and sparks flew between our eyes. Girl’s I never knew were calling me Bitch in the bathroom. Guys who would talk about the situation loudly as you walked by did not like to be ignored. Everyone thought I was some Bitch and would say it as I passed by, people I’d never even met. I had no clue what the guy I liked thought or why he never defended me. Eventually I resented him and I think forgiving him for not caring enough to defend me and spend time talking with me as he waved and winked at me and played games while breaking my still teenaged heart was something that took me a long time to forgive. Something for some reason that really ticks me off even today 7 or so years later. I have moved on with my life but a little part of me is still angry at the guy and his friends.

Now today at 28 I think forgiveness feels almost impossible at times. But it’s really important. One thing that makes Christianity really unique from other religions is the forgiveness Christians are supposed to show to other people. Jesus advocated the ‘ turn the other cheek’ policy meaning let the person hurt you all they want just be forgiving. Is this not impossible? But if you think about it makes more sense than all the hurt caused by vengeance and getting back at people. It makes more sense than countries at war over land stolen hundreds of years ago. It makes more sense than the high cost of casualties because someone couldn’t walk away from a situation and forgive.

I don’t know about you but I have pride, but letting someone just abuse you and ignoring them or even standing up for yourself non-violently is tough. People just instinctively hurt one another. Maybe some of us are to cold and maybe others of us are insensitive but I think it’s a really valuable lesson: forgive each other. Maybe you don’t forget but you move on – forgiveness allows you to do that. To leave a hurtful part of your life behind and go on. Even if you just pretend to forgive until it becomes true I think that’s something to be proud of such as forgiving someone who broke your heart or maybe accidentally hurt you really bad in a car accident. I just think if people could forgive each other as much as they could, what a better place we’d live in. But perhaps, this like all things wrong with the world is impossible. But that I suppose, is up to you and I.

Forgiveness, maybe…


Forgiveness? It seems like such an ugly word sometimes. Forgive you after that? On the chance that you did do it again and could do it again? There is so much behind forgiveness, so much loathing. But really that is the crux of the matter, it is ‘behind’ it; when you forgive you are putting past transgressions behind you and choosing to let things be. Still, forgiveness is a hard word in the forgetting part of it. We are supposed to forgive by forgetting, moving on yet are we not supposed to learn from our errors? Other people’s errors? I tried to separate the forgiving and forgetting but found that impossible. If you still remember, always bring it up did you really forgive?
So I do what I have said before, forgive ( just say it even) until forgiveness becomes reality, until you mean it. It is taking me awhile to mean it this time but I will get there. If our great Heavenly Father can forgive the sins of the world, from the smallest sin, to the biggest sin, then I too can mean it when I say ‘ I forgive you!’ If he could sacrifice his son Jesus for our sins than I too can forgive. But I am not God or Jesus, I am a silly bitter human and forgiveness is hard give.
To receive forgiveness is the greatest gift. It is strength, a clear mind, energy, and enlightenment. It makes you feel weightless as if the weight of the world is off your shoulders. Forgiveness is a chance to move on for the forgiven and the forgiver. Bitter people stay in the same place, in the same hating pattern; forgiveness is freedom if we only release it.
I think when it is difficult to forgive we must pray that our hearts be opened to receive it and give it. That we do not stay stuck in the past in old sins. Rather, we must move on with life finding ,perhaps, forgiveness for others can lead to forgiveness for ourselves.

It is hard not hate and to not imagine the worst when you have been hurt. It is difficult to breathe with hate weighing you down. But the fact of the matter is, we cannot help but do wrong in our lives at some point. We all need forgiveness, there is always an answer, a light in the darkness.

Things Fall Apart


“Things Fall Apart,” not only a famous book but an undoubted truth – such is life that when everything seems to be going good, everything crumbles and we spiral downwards into despair. In the book “Things Fall Apart” the story is centered around a warrior from the tribal world Okonkwo from an Ibo village in Nigeria. Okonkwo’s fall from grace is paralleled by the fall of his tribe by the “proselytizing” European missionaries. In life there, are many times that things just do not work out just like they began to not work out for Okonkwo’s, maybe not such on a massive level. But I bet you, everyday somewhere, somebody’s life is falling a part. Yesterday, it was mine, or it seemed like it…

There was this big fight, and suddenly I was going from living in the comfortable house I live in, being able to deal with my illness, and provide for myself not only what I need but what I want – to $700.00 short of being able to live on my own. I could not believe that suddenly, at this almost Christmas time of year that I was having to put a budget together of what I would need to live on my own each month; I new from the beginning I did not make enough on disability. I started looking at condo and apartment listings in the downtown area, places close to transit and where I needed to be. I realized I would not be able to finish my Residential Interior’s Certificate, that I would have to take on massive student loans to be do a Master’s – everything, all these realities of life hit me. Worst, of all I saw no choice but to live alone, knowing all my friends and family have good places to live right now, knowing people would not understand how it is to have depression all the time – that tiredness that only depressed people know about. If you would have looked at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and said where I was deficient I could have told you first and foremost saftey; I did not feel safe anymore. Suddenly, too my basic needs were not provided for and that leads to panic. Okonkwo must have panicked as his world fell apart but I could not tell you, it has been years since I read the book and I pulled it out for a ‘Reading Group’ again.

Today I am not panicking though. The ground has returned beneath my feet and I think I’ll be staying where I am for awhile. Still sooner, rather than later I think more and more I need to be out on my own. I want to be out on my own, but my health does not allow me much for that. And the person I was fighting with, he did not get this – no matter how many times he said ” I understand your needs.” He did not. I think things have blown over and he still does not understand and this worries me. That because I am home, the work I do for my courses, the articles I write is not considered important, and I am expected even though I often do not have the energy to always pick up, clean up the tiniest little details – that are not important; they are just little things – inconsequential – when I am working towards much bigger goals of independence, and trying to go out to work on my own half time. While, at the same time I have a brother who works and goes out does what he wants, and hardly does anything as well; this is okay just because he pays rent and works? I bear my brother no ill will – but I said I would pay rent to – and he tells me he would still expect the same from me, it is a double standard. I do not understand. So sometime in the years maybe months I will have to find the money to live on my own – I think it must be that way that you just get to a point and say – I am done leave me in peace and let me live how I live; it is not hurting you or affecting you in any large way so let me be. So things fell a part and they still do not feel back together.

My life feels wedged together, rough hewn stones mashed together made to fit, because we must all put on a smile and never really deal with the issues. I did not see it coming, and neither did Okonkwo. I do not want to be this person he blows up at because he has issues. Those he needs to take care of, if he is holding them inside, he needs to run, go do something, go talk to my uncles or something, write. . . I cannot deal with his issues and mine when I become the target of his anger. And it just pulls me a part; ruins my days. Makes me not sleep – something that is already a big issue for me.  And maybe I should not be writing about them on here. But I use no names, I share with no one but strangers, and I know how to deal when things fall a part. You write about them, share them, because that is how you  stay whole, learn how to deal – and I know better than him how things fall a part. If you leave them, if you left them you can go crashing down into a void that will take you years to extract yourself from – such is depression.

And I am trying to be forgiving but this time I cannot forget. Forgive seventy times seven Jesus says. Once would do it I think, if I could do that I would be grateful. Do not let yourself be caught in issues, in anger, in things like this – just talk about it calmly. Hear both sides of the issues, and listen to someone when they tell you, you are missing something big. It is easy to wear blinders. Do not make other people responsible for your actions, allow them their space, especially when they have no other choice in where they maybe. Forgive as much as you can, until even though at first you just say it, it becomes true. And try to remember that although people may not love you the way you want them to, maybe it is the best they can do.

For now, I do what my boyfriend says, and do nothing. Let it be and do a little cleaning and just let things be. As Paul McCartney sings ” …there will be an answer, let it be.”