Sunday Prompt: NonFiction – Bad Days Mean Good Days Ahead #amwriting #nonfiction 


Thanks to Oloriel of MindLoveMisery’s Menagerie for hosting this week’s Sunday Prompt. This week we are to share the happiest moment in our life, or the saddest moment and how we overcame it. 

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Credit: MindLoveMisery’s Menagerie
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I’m not going to share my saddest or my happiest moment. I think these moments  constantly shift. But I will tell you about yesterday, for me it was a day where I felt hopeless. I’m a goal-oriented person and when I’m not feeling well enough to complete even the tiniest goal on my to do list, I feel lost and useless.

The background to this is as some of you know, is that I deal with depression that has caused what my psychiatrist has diagnosed as Chronic of Severe Fatigue. I’ve had it for years, I’ve always known.

Most doctors don’t even recognize CFS or ME as a disorder although there is information about people suffering from it hundreds of years ago and presently everywhere. As well a good friend of mine also has CFS/ME but hers while sharing some similarities, is a bit different from mine — she is able to work.

I’ve been homebound lately feeling extra fatigued and also because my insurance company ended my disability in November –I’ve lost a great deal of my income for the moment. When I’m so fatigued there are days it’s too much to take a bus.

Sometimes I have no choice but to take a cabl. Some days I wake up greatly worn out even after sleeping all night. The kind of tiredness CFS or ME produces is beyond sleepy –it’s mental and physical exhaustion. So when you can’t afford a cab and only the bus, it makes a person feel trapped when the ride their is tiring. 

At times when I’m home too long, I feel lonely and bored. I enjoy being out with friends and family or being able to visit a coffee shop, the mall, the art gallery (etc.), to be around people. The CFS doesn’t allow me to work (go to an office etc). as I never know how I will feel each day. On the flip side, I also need to be home a great deal to recharge. When I go out it’s not for more than a few hours, it’s what my body can handle.

Some days I can’t concentrate well on reading. Some days I can’t concentrate on writing. Other days I can’t do anything but watch the TV or programs on Netflix and after a while, even the stimulation from that bothers me. One or two days a week I feel well and get quite a bit done, only to exhaust myself for the following day.

Yesterday I felt awful even though I had it in me to do a short yoga video and a few simple chores that needed done, then I was physically and mentally worn out and frustrated. I was bothered that I have to stretch a small income so far and that I couldn’t take the cab a short way to this local coffee and book shop or to the mall to look around and have some Edo for lunch. 

I’ve also been dealing with weight issues due to a medication. I can’t switch medications, these ones work the best, but as a person who was a chubby child it bothers me I can’t keep my promise to myself to always stay fit. Each diet I try doesn’t work. I need intense cardiovascular exercise but beyond a bit of walking when I’m well I don’t have the energy for it. So yesterday, that too felt overwhelming. 

As well I’ve been freelancing and realized starting out, even to only make a a few extra hundred dollars a month is difficult. It’s like any career, something you have to learn from and build upon overtime.

But today I woke up and my outlook on the world had changed. I prayed last night and I realized this morning, I’m doing fine. I have a warm place to live with nutritious food and for the most part, I can buy what I need each month and do a few things with friends. My friends are also extremely understanding of what I experience and that along with my family’s understanding is a blessing as well. 

I’m hoping on ‘good days’ I can learn to endure the bus, to get out of the house more often because being around people makes me happy, even if I’m only an observer on certain occasions. 

I don’t feel lost today. I stopped focusing on ‘me’ and ‘my problems’ and recognized even though I think I have it bad certain days, others are experiencing much worse problems around the world.

I also realized starting something such as a part-time freelance career (even a limited number of hours a week) after not being able to work after nine-years at all, will take time, more than a few months effort and additional learning.

Most vitally I realized God has me and my problems in the palm of His hand and He is taking care of me even when I feel stuck in life. He says even when I’m still and not doing much at all, it’s enough. Yesterday was a bad day but sometimes you need bad days so you know how to be thankful for good days. Do you agree? 

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” – Exodus 14:14

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©Mandibelle16. (2017) All Rights Reserved.

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Poem: Free Verse –  “Words Which Can’t Be Snatched” #amwriting #poetry #badday


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The walls close in, I cannot breath.
Sitting inhaling between my legs, 

My breathe is short, my throat constricted.

I will not play the victim, 

Though anxiety and stress, 

Isn’t something I handle well because —

A sickness lives and hurts me. 

It’s not clear to everyone, 

You can appear and sound well, 

Yet, be caught in the Guinea Pig’s wheel, 

Some kind of rotating Hell. 

Release me from prison, I’m praying for help, 

My God, my God, I feel alone. 

A need to get this pain off of my chest, 

I can’t breathe, feel asphyxiated. 

Such tears redden my eyes, blank and bloodshot;

A blue so grey, it’s the eye of the suffocating storm. 

You think it’s safe, but a dark madness comes fast, 

Shaking you off your feet.

Turning you to mush, dust, particles of air.

Aren’t we all atoms, building cells — at a smaller level? 

What makes it so such atoms making cells form a being, 

A pin cushion to be stabbed? 

While cells of blood splash unto the floor.

Forsake me not, 

Terrible days come out of nowhere. 

I cannot think, I have no words.

Head pounding, a drums beat, 

I think I might throw-up. 

Careless words written, make me ill,

Shake my foundation, 

Take away my control.

You have no clue how I feel. 

After all these years, you believe you’ve solved me?  

You’ve only picked a lock, in a chain of locks locked.

But you hurt with your writing — why didn’t you ask? 

You’re shaking my world, I have no strength, 

I’m not in the place you think I am. 

You rock my foundations, I’m not doing well. 

Answer me this, how could you think

Fatigue such as mine goes away, by blinking? 

You haven’t solved the riddle, 

You cause me great problems.

And a horrible day doesn’t end, 

Tone of voice, sets off tears again.

You don’t treat me like an adult, only a child —

Because I’m forever screwing up.

I want out but, how do I escape? 

For I find I’ve built, my own prison. 

And you tighten the chains, 

Until breath and blood flow flicker out, 

Until everything which matters blows apart.

Until in the sky, floats clouds, sunbeams radiant, 

And the Eagles take me flying on their backs.

And I escape to poetry, 

Such words which can’t be snatched. 

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©Mandibelle16. (2016) All Rights Reserved

Writing 101: NonFiction – Today’s Perfect Writing Spot #everdayinspiration


Today’s topic is the perfect writing spot.

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk

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I vaguely remember writing on this topic before, or maybe I read other people’s posts on it but I will give it a try nonetheless. 

Many of you know I suffer from a depressive mood disorder which has caused me severe fatigue these past eight-years. I only mention it because I have experienced great improvement with my mental energy levels especially, and a bit with my physical energy levels this past year. Particular supplements have also aided my increase in energy levels.

But I always have bad days now and then. When I was worse I had more bad days than good days and now I would say I only have a bad day one or two days every couple of weeks. What makes a bad day a bad day varies but often means I’m too mentally and physically worn out to do much of anything; I wake up this way.

Today, I found until tonight, I could not concentrate well on writing or reading blogs or books. I would try going through my email to read through some of your posts and I didn’t have it in me to pay attention and give thought to what I was reading or what to comment. I also found myself glossing over pages in books where I regularly would be intent on what was happening to the characters.

I decided to catch up on some TV shows I’d missed the finales of and a show I miss because it’s on in the morning. I like Fashion Friday on a Canadian morning show called Cityline so I watched that as I often sleep through it. Additionally, I watched The Vampire Dairies’ grizzly season Finale and the season Finale for Grimm. I loved both finales and I’m eager for next season’s storylines for each show.

But today mostly consisted of me sitting and watching TV and even after awhile I went to my room and I laid down, needing to sleep a couple hours, feeling as if I needed the nap today. It’s odd, usually I don’t need to nap. I tried to put effort into healthy meals and I thought about walking, but I didn’t have a walk in me.

Most often, I’m up untill 11:00 pm or 12:00 pm but tonight I’m lying in my comfy bed in a sleep shirt, tucked into my cozy duvet and fresh sheets and it’s only 9:00 pm.

 I cleaned up my room on Friday and Saturday, completely organizing everything. It’s a nice feeling being in a clean room, no dust, no papers in piles, everything organized, even my clothes and shoes. 

At this moment, feeling drained as I have most of the day, I’m writing to you in my perfect writing place in bed on my iPad. I invested in a newer version after Christmas as the old model didn’t have enough GBs. This has 64 GB, enough for ebooks, a large iTunes music collection, and many applications. It also a thinner tablet which is lighter to hold.

The light the iPad gives off in my dim room is fantastic for writing and being comfortable lying down. So, even though this isn’t usually where I write, tonight in bed, is my favourite and ideal writing space.

Tomorrow it will change, but then, tomorrow’s another day and I will have energy to write more and read more again, to take a walk in the warm May weather, maybe even write on the patio. For now, everything is as it should be. 

Sorry, I don’t know how to explain a bad day better then I did; it is what it is. It is too difficult to explain unless you’ve experienced it or something similar. Most people are able to keep going in life despite hiccups such as feeling energy-less. But this is a fatigue which stops you in it’s tracks. Nothing can make your body draw on more energy; there is no energy to draw from. Which is why this is severe fatigue I experience and not only being sleepy or tired.

Thanks for reading. Back to fiction, poetry, likes, and commenting on your blogs tomorrow.

NaPoWriMo: Poem – Mirrored Refrain – “Priceless Worth” 


And last, but not least, our prompt (optional, as always). Today, I’d like to challenge you to write a poem that incorporates a call and response. Calls-and-responses are used in many sermons and hymns (and also in sea chanties!), in which the preacher or singer asks a question or makes an exclamation, and the audience responds with a specific, pre-determined response. (Think: Can I get an amen?, to which the response is AMEN!.). You might think of the response as a sort of refrain or chorus that comes up repeatedly, while the call can vary slightly each time it is used. Here’s a sea chanty example:

Please see NaPoWriMo for more information. 

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The Mirrored Refrain is rhyming verse form constructed by Stephanie Repnyek. The poem is formed by three or more quatrains where two lines within the quatrain are the “mirrored refrain” or alternating refrain.The rhyme scheme is as follows: xaBA, xbAB, xaBA, xbAB, etc.. x represents the only lines that do not rhyme within the poem. A and B represent the refrain. The first four stanzas of the example poem are labeled for better understanding.

Please see Shadow Poetry for more information on this poetry type.

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Jewels worth immeasurable value.

Diamonds, Rubies, Emeralds, Sapphire.

Of things attained in this wide world,

Your love is precious, priceless worth.

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When life is tough, nothing works out.

Smoke is choking, the world’s a trial.

Your love is precious, priceless worth.

Of things attained in this wide world.

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Tiredness, fatigue, creeping in —

Resting, let yourself sleep, respire.

Of things attained in this wide world.

Your love is precious, priceless worth.

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People are worth the effort to see,

Memories are lived, life’s fragile.

Your love is precious, priceless worth,

Of things attained in this wide  world.

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You can’t take it with you when time ends,

Use your life to reach out and inspire,

Of things attained in this wide world,

Your love is precious, priceless worth.

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©Mandibelle16. (2016) All Rights Reserved.

NaPoWriMo: Poem – Doubles – Couplets – ” Considering My Mirror Image” 


  

And now for our prompt (optional, as always). Because today marks the halfway point in our 30-day sprint, today I’d like to challenge you to write a poem that incorporates the idea of doubles. You could incorporate doubling into the form, for example, by writing a poem in couplets. Or you could make doubles the theme of the poem, by writing, for example, about mirrors or twins, or simply things that come in pairs. Or you could double your doublings by incorporating things-that-come-in-twos into both your subject and form. Happy writing!

Please see NaPoWriMo for more information. Today’s poem will be written in Couplets.

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A paradox of seeing self in my grey eyes,

A confusing being desiring beauty prize.

Finding uniqueness without gazing into mirror, 

Unsure of my own reflection, revere her? 

Looking glass reveals, beauty is so differing.

Reflection in mirror, me staring, lingering.

Double in the glass appearing in reality,

Unsure what to say, we don’t agree, no clarity.

Do I adore how my double appears to look? 

Image of woman, how she is, open lost book.

So, many ways I try improving her reflection.

She looks, how she does, not ideal perfection.

I’m at peace with her, still changing her direction.

Mirror image God formed but I’ll alter complexion,

Skincare, makeup adored, new image each morning,

My inspection of self leaving me yet forming,

The double of my mirror, only me conforming,

Looking fatigued, woman who’s stuck performing.

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©Mandibelle16. (2016) All Rights Reserved.

Poem: “Passed Out“


There is a place where I can’t do well enough or try hard enough. My body goes into survival mode and I need to sleep to deal.

I cannot do anything, when lethargy takes me over and I have only thoughts of comfort and rest.

I wake awhile later, hopefully restored. But days of feeling great, always take their tole.

I try to fight the sleepiness but I know my body will not be well and my mind will not make sense, until I have rested ;however, long my body needs.

It is an annoying problem to be held back by a body and mind that have been chipped a bit; when bad things have happened to make the neurons clouded and send the wrong messages in my brain.

Sleep is tied into energy, and energy tied into feeling fatigued. It’s a curious matter I have learned to live with but find difficult on dark afternoons such as this, when the the outside is pitch black at 5:oo pm

But when I am full of energy, I never waste it. I am glad to have the time I’ve got and so I fill it with tasks and creativity. Time is such an illusion we always think we have more then we’ve got.

I’m sleeping late but staying up later, and writing aspects about life that matter. But burning both ends of the candlestick can result in a tired mind and body.

Maybe, you understand the feeling. But then maybe you don’t. I give what I can give. Then I pass out.

 

Hey, You’ve had A Bad Day


What does a bad day feel like to you? Do you ever notice how they just hit you out of no where? You wake up believing that today is just going to be like every other day, or most days at least, and then something horrible happens and you just know it’s going to be one of ‘those’ days.

Not to mention the fact you can have all kinds of bad days and they can all be a different type of bad day. Sometimes you get sick. Other days, unfortunate events keep happening to you. Some days you just cannot complete anything. On your worst days you have some kind of huge accident or find out some bad news.

Today isn’t the worst day I’ve ever had. But it ranks up there with some of the days I have detested in regards to my state of health. For those of you who don’t know, I suffer from a depressive mood disorder, insomnia, and chronic fatigue. I won’t talk about that too much but I’ve had quite a few new followers lately, so it’s fair to warn you what I mostly mean when I am unwell.

Things began with a night of particularly unrestful sleep. And this fact can make or break a day for me because the issue with chronic fatigue is you can sleep all you wan’t but you never feel truly rested and not fatigued enough to deal with the day as somebody who does not suffer from chronic fatigue does. For instance, I never feel mentally or physically rested enough to be able to concentrate on a job or do a work out at the gym.

So I woke up after having dreamt very intensely (as many people who take Meds sometimes do) and I just couldn’t sleep-in enough to make myself feel well enough to get out of bed. I was excited because I wanted to go downtown and do a bit of shopping at Winners and maybe take in the Farmer’s Market at city hall but frustratingly, I just felt to sick to do that.

Another issue about chronic fatigue is on a bad day where you haven’t slept well or are exhausted for any reason you often feel flu like symptoms. So I was tired, feeling sick to my stomach, chills, and to top it off I really did have a bad cold.

I did manage to sleep after awhile and I took some Advil Cold and that helped me feel about 40 percent better. Then it just took the rest of the day until about now to feel normal again. This has been one of my worst days in along while and I know it’s been coming on because I’ve felt extra tired and worn down most of the week.

Separating my personal illness from just a cold or the real flu is difficult at times and not often possible. But I am determined to get that flu shot on Wednesday to avoid the flu. And I am excited because I am going to get my hair done. That’s always fun. I moved up my appointment today to give me something to look forward to.

That’s my crappy day. Generally, I just try to stay positive on days like these and think there are better times to come, even if I am sick in someway all the time. Being sick is part of life, whatever the illness you are prone to.

How about you? Did you have a bad day this weekend? How do you deal with everything when you’re feeling your worst? I think the only thing that could have made my day worse would have been having to go out and do something and be around people and be nice while I felt ill. How do you react around others when your ill or having a bad day?