Weighting to Exhale 


I have some thoughts to share tonight just about my life and hopefully some of you out there can relate. I have touched on this topic before but not for awhile.  Weight is always a touchy topic because it relates to body image. 

We are taught these days that women are beautiful at whatever size they are, a size two or a size twenty-two. I think that’s wonderful and I hope that girls can be satisfied with their weight and looks as they grow and become young women. I’m happy to see models in fashion shows in New York and Toronto, who are plus-sized models because the average size for a woman is around size 12 to 16 in North America at least. 

 When I was young (maybe six or eight) I was shamed for being fat. Body image is something that it is engrained in you when you are young. I ate healthy food and only small amounts of junk food. We had a large garden, raspberry bushes, and an apple tree — all organic food. My Mom froze beans and peas, we always ate whole wheat bread, we hardly ever had sugary cereals for breakfast. We biked and walked regularly. But fat has always been something I’ve been afraid of being. It’s a demon I left in childhood only to be met again in my mid to late twenties. It’s too late for me I’ve already developed in my mind a picture of the ideal woman figure. I was never her, even when I played sports and/or worked out regularly. I was always that fat little girl, and in my mind I still am. 

Currently, I think for me body image and fat are something that I’m struggling to reconcile. We all have that number on the scale that we think, we are very overweight if the scale reads that number. We feel that we’ve got a major problem on our hands because the number is too high a weight for our bodies. I have reached that magical number and I am pulling out all stops to get back to a healthy weight. Believe me it’s going to be a lot of work. 

You see, as much as I want women and girls to be satisfied with their bodies, I also want them (myself inclusive) to have bodies that are healthy, whatever size or number on the scale that might be. It’s all fine to say that you are happy being over weight and you love your body; I’m glad if you do. But lately, I don’t feel that way because I’m not fit and I’m not eating right. If I don’t develop some type of plan to deal with my body, fatigued or not, my weight will only increase, and my physical health problems will increase.

Some of my weight issues probably have to do with genes on my Dad’s side due to the fact that many of my relatives put on weight as they get older. But also, having a mental illness and chronic fatigue almost all the time has lead to my weight gain. Mostly, due to weight gained through the side effects of medication — clozapine most recently. I put on roughly ten pounds each time I am on a psychiatric medication for awhile, they usually all cause weight gain. I try to be okay with it. I’m too fatigued to do significant cardio to counteract the weight gain.  But I think part of my problem is not paying attention to what and how much I am eating. 

This means going back to portion control and also not drinking my favourite drink that’s bad for you – Pepsi, especially in copious amounts. It means not ordering burgers, even though my smaller and fitter mother does, and ordering a salad with water not pop. It means trying my hardest to do some type of exercise a day, this will require all my effort. 

I’m trying to do two types of exercise: yoga, just some gentle stretching to keep me limber, and walking for 20 minutes, even though it still feels weird walking without a dog. Sadly, I will feel worn out after 20 minute walks for awhile, that is what seven years of fatigue does to you. It makes it harder and harder to be physically fit. 

The last part of my plan is that I am trying  a few products that have worked for some people I know to lose weight, but they are the kind of products that could work or could not — you never know with diet products. The first is a product that involves drinking veggies, so I receive all of my veggies in my diet; the second product is a product that helps break down fats in your body around meal times; the third product is wraps that help break down fat in your body from the outside  (I don’t know about the wraps but maybe they too will work). I will try these products for three months and if they work they work, if they don’t, it’s no significant financial loss. But I am hoping the products help together with portion control, adding back in some exercise, and getting rid of Pepsi by drinking water and green tea blends. 

If I can lower my weight I can improve the image I have of myself because I’d feel more positive about my body being healthier, especially around my middle. Your stomach is the worst place to have extra fat because that fat is visceral. In addition, I would feel and be healthier because my BMI and waist would be smaller. These are two major indicators of good health, although, they are not one-hundred percent accurate. My limbs would also feel less stiff if I did yoga and my cardiovascular activity even walking would be better then just sitting. And clothes would fit better as well.  I could even drop a size or more and have  a greater of variety of clothes to choose from. I’m a size 14 US right now (sometimes a 12) and not all stores go that high in sizes. 

 I know my weight doesn’t devalue me as a person, it doesn’t define me; weight doesn’t devalue or define anyone. But in my case, I feel I have little control in my life, especially with my health. That is another reason losing weight appeals to me, because it is a small piece of life that I have some control over. I can do little to change my mental health and the fatigue it causes, but I fight it because at somethings I can win. Maybe, I will never be a size 8 again but being a 12 or a 10 that’s in better physical shape then I am now, that is worth the effort, worth the fight.

We can’t control everything about our size or our weight. Woman exist into a variety of shapes and sizes. Weight is often a grave subject to talk about because many woman can’t do anything about it due to health problems such as medication, thyroid issues, having kids, lack of time to exercise, and many other reasons. But there has to be a point where you say I will control what I can and at least change that. Take the initiative to be healthier, no matter how small the change. Make changes you can live with through out your life and keep your body physically healthy. 

A Weighty Issue


www.plussizemodelsunite.com
http://www.plussizemodelsunite.com

I have thought a great deal about weight lately and not only because of the reasons I explained in my last blog. It occurs to me what an weird issue weight plays in our lives. Back in the Victorian days and even before that, weight represented wealth and health in people. Weight meant you had delicious food on your table, that you were more likely to live through childbirth if you were a woman, and that you were rich. How funny that sometime in the early to mid 20th century Coco Chanel should come along and bring with her a woman’s desire to be skinny and tanned ( for white skin was in before that too). This desire continues into the modern-day although we as a society have begun to fight the love of skinny. For how many of us can actually be so statuesque and thin, for more than possibly our youth and young adulthood?

www.imgur.com
http://www.imgur.com

At the same time, I was always told by my mother and many women that men love curves and that is what they seek in a woman but I think that all depends on the man. I think every man has his ideal woman and the woman who becomes his partner may have those assets or she may look nothing like he thought his ideal mate would look. But while her man may consider her ‘his girl’ and just fantastic the way her body is, all woman tend to be sensitive about their weight at some time or another, even celebrities. Some women think they are too skinny, others think they are not skinny enough, yet others are unhappy about a particular body part such as their stomach, thighs, or arms.

And after thinking about all these ideas I concluded that it was wrong for me to say in my last post that it was a sham to believe that woman should ‘love their bodies’ despite that like me, they may not feel confident about their bodies at times. I think that last post written out of frustration forgot about posts I wrote earlier such as “Love The Skin You’re In” blog.  The reality of life is that people both men and woman, are always going to have physical attributes about themselves that they don’t particularly like, whether they are models or you average woman looking after kids or going to work everyday. But this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t

www.getpositiverevolution.com
http://www.getpositiverevolution.com

love ourselves anyways. I think it is the fact that we don’t like ourselves some or a lot of the time that leads us to have issues with other people and ourselves such as jealousy, depression, and anxiety. If we took the attitude that ‘this is my body and I’m going to love it anyways no matter what it looks like,’ a lot of us would have more confidence, feel more attractive, and be more attractive to other people because confidence is sexy. Loving yourself is not so much even about whats on the outside of your body but it does concern loving the outside of your body because you are extremely satisfied with yourself on the inside.

Being fat doesn’t make you a bad person and I think sometimes the media — movies, magazines, the internet — lead us to think that if we don’t look a certain way then we are a reprehensible person. But if you think about it in life, some of the people we love the most are our Uncles who are too fat, are Grandma’s who were nice and plump, are Dads who are losing hair, and our friends who have a big nose or large mouth. I even read the other day that ugly people are actually more memorable to us than attractive people. And not that these meaningful people to us are ugly. Instead because they are not perfect they are memorable and to us as children and adults who love them they are perfect in their imperfection. So how then can we consider ourselves unlovable or unimportant because we are not the ideal attractive person?

www.yvettesalva.com
http://www.yvettesalva.com

I have always sought to be a healthy person, especially after being considered chubby as a little kid. This was not because my parents fed me junk food but because kids on my Dad’s side of the family, tended to be chubby. So ever since that point I have tried to maintain a healthiness, though that has recently become difficult in the past few years. I was okay I think until I got past 25 years old and became more than 175 lbs. So, regretfully I settled at 191 lbs and then gratefully back to 181 lbs and now again back to 191 lbs. It is the fact that I am taking all these pills and that they cause weight gain, that I am unable to exercise due to illness, and that dieting is so tough, that I feel unhealthy. I can see it on my body that I am not at a healthy body weight  but that does not mean I should not love that body and love myself even though I know changes need to be made in my lifestyle.

So instead of being helpless and feeling helpless, I think there are things we can do about our body issues to make life more tolerable

www.thescienceofeating.com
http://www.thescienceofeating.com

for us no matter the walls that block us from our goals. We can always try to eat more vegetables, to give up more junk food, and to walk around the block a couple of times or for 15 minutes. We can eat in moderation, and wear clothes that flatter our bodies, and we can remember that the people who love us do not love us for our outward appearance alone but mostly for our insides, for the way we treat them, and for our characters. We can alter ourselves for the better if we love ourselves and know that a few changes will make us healthier. But again, we need to remember that in health does not happiness lie alone.

Sometimes it is easier to see ourselves through the eyes of our loved ones. What really causes me to feel better about my weight is my boyfriend. I may tell him I put on a few pounds but he loves me anyways. He is still enamored of me, he still thinks I’m beautiful. And even though some woman in the car next to us may

www.fiveminutevacations.com
http://www.fiveminutevacations.com

stare at him or he may smile back at some girl who is giving him big eyes, he is always looking at me and asking if I’m okay. His eyes are on me and through him I have learnt to love myself because he is pleased with my hips, my stomach, my mind, and my heart. Sometimes it takes seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes to truly see yourself and that you are valuable just because you are you.

Gains and Losses


I have been dealing with issue of my weight lately and it’s upsetting. There is all this ” be happy, love your body as it is” propaganda out there right now and the truth is I just don’t buy it. You can tell people to love their body all you want but if someone feels fat for their body those words are just that, words.

What I find particularly maddening about my personal situation is my utter helplessness when it comes to gaining the weight and losing it. Last year I lost about 10 lbs on Herbal Magic by dieting. Essentially, I lost about 2 lbs every week until I hit 10 lbs and then my body refused to lose anymore weight. This is because I took medication called Risperidon and it is the type of medication that holds on to the fat in your body. Hence, a goal weight of 165 lbs was not obtainable but I hoped that a weight of around 181 lbs would be easy enough for me to maintain given the diet Herbal Magic had me on was a maintenance diet for me and my level of activity, instead of a weight loss diet, after I lost the 10 lbs. Herbal magic was expensive and I got tired of the women who worked there who never seemed to stay the same or know what they were doing.

But the problem I experienced with Risperidon I have experienced with another with a new medication I use to sleep called Gabapentin. I have mentioned it before in a post and explained I use it for the side effect of drowsiness not its actual intended use. And I am frankly, shocked that after all the psychiatric medication I have used that nothing else has made me gain much weight before. But Gabapentin has hit fast and hard. It works wonderfully for sleep but 300 mg initially made me gain around 8 lbs. Adding another 100 mg as my sleep doctor suggested added another 2 lbs to the 8 lbs and in the space of a month and a half I have gained back 10 lbs or more.

It makes me very angry to have such a tummy back, that I actually have 2 little rolls on my back and a none to small, muffin top. I maintained my diet just as I said I would even after leaving Herbal Magic but it was not enough, another medication was working against me and I have been floundering around upset that my jeans don’t do up properly, that my tummy shows through my shirt a lot and that I have put on extra weight all over my body and I don’t know how to lose it.

It turns out I haven’t been following my diet as closely as I thought and even though I am eating less, I still need need to eat less and drink only 1 can of pop only as my treat everyday. Letting myself get sloppy — indulging in 2 to 3 pops a day unknowingly, and other little eating habits has allowed me to eat extra calories and yearn for those extra extra calories. It has been so hard trying to eat less because every night I go to bed starving and end up having to eat because I cannot sleep if I don’t, I’ve tried, several times. I’ve been trying to fight appetite by using green coffee bean extract which seems to be the only supplement I can take without it effecting my medications. But it is not the same as being on the Herbal Magic Supplements.

I don’t know what to do? I can’t do cardiovascular exercise due to the fact that I have an underlying illness which has robbed me of energy. I do not have the physical or mental energy to do many activities particularly exercise, as hard as that is to understand. I try to do HIIT videos but find they are too difficult and wear me out for the next 2 days, and there only 12 minutes or so. I try to do 10-20 minutes on the elliptical, most days I cannot manage the energy for that. It has been too cold to just walk around the block a few times even. So, I feel lost and my stomach hurts from my jeans button 😦 Gaining weight took place in the snap of my fingers and losing it is going to take time since I can’t afford Herbal Magic this time.

I feel very trapped, cornered. And it is never a place I want to be. I am not a healthy weight and this in 6 words, is my problem.

Love the Skin You’re In


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http://www.zimbio.com

Physical body image is an issue I believe all women struggle with in one form or another. We all have at least one part of us that we would like to change. We may want our thighs to be thinner, our butt to be smaller, or our breasts to be bigger, or our tummy to be trimmer. Often woman think that if something were different about their body and if they received their ideally thinner thighs for instance, they would be happier and live a better life. In some cases, I think this is true. If you are overweight and make the healthy lifestyle changes such as exercising and eating better to get those thinner thighs I think you will be happier because you will be living a healthier lifestyle and this will affect you positively all around.

However, physical changes that are actually problems with our self-esteem, will only make us happier for a little while. Then, other problems will arise that can make us disgusted with our body image. Suddenly, you may have trimmer thighs but now you really want to weigh as much as you weighed in high school so you become unhappy about your weight, instead of focusing on the goal you did achieve and that you do have trimmer thighs. It can be a sad cycle, improving one part of yourself, only to be disappointed by one of your perceived other flaws later on.

For me, body image has often been a struggle starting from about the time I was in Grade 1. My mother never overfed me, I had little to no junk food, and I had plenty of exercise but I was still a pudgy girl. Boys were especially mean to me at this age calling me fat and bullying me even though I was just a little pudgier than the other kids. By the time grade 6 came around I had lost all my baby fat and now many of the boys liked me. I maintained a weight I was happy with until I finished my Bachelor’s degree.

When I was 23 years old I got my first job as a receptionist and suddenly I was putting on weight due to copious amounts of food around the office. I threw myself into exercising 40 minutes for 3 times a week on the elliptical at very hard pace, and weight lifting an hour along with each of my elliptical sessions, until I suddenly fell ill with depression and lost 25 pounds in a month.

The problem with losing so much weight at one time is you gain it all back and then some. I sky rocketed from 161 lbs. to 191 lbs. over the next 3 years due to medication, inability to exercise, and perhaps, the fact that I was so no longer 23 years old anymore and was naturally putting on weight. I managed last year to lose 10 lbs. on Herbal Magic and even though I have quit the program I have kept the weight off. I never reached my goal weight of 165 lbs. although, it seems that no matter what I do my body sits comfortably around 180 lbs.

For me height 5’6,” my weight is a little heavy even though I have always been about 10 lbs. heavier than what is recommended by doctors for my height. I would dearly love to be thinner so I could buy smaller clothing and have my body look the way my body looked in university. But if I think about it, I have always been unhappy about my weight, it is just one of my hang ups. Even when I had no reason to think I was fat, I was unhappy about my weight and when my weight didn’t bother me something such as the condition of my skin would.

This is my point that we will always find something in or on our bodies to be upset about, to fantasize how happy we would be if we didn’t have that flaw. But the thing is our flaws make us who we are. I may have a bigger tummy now and have gone up to a size 12 from a size 10 in jeans but I know have bigger breasts – this is a plus. Not to mention, I am never stuck in-between sizes as I was often before. I fit a size 12 or a size large and in most stores those are the sizes I am, I never have to guess.

In addition, I have a boyfriend who loves my curves. He liked them when I met him and I was 191 lbs. and he likes them now that I am 181 lbs. He would like them if I got bigger again or if lost weight and got smaller. He is one reason I really have learned to love my body. People have tastes for partners in all shapes and sizes and just like our partners love our bodies we need to learn to love them too, to be self-confident, and self-confidence is sexy. Curvy is in even if most of the woman we see in the media have thinner body types.

There are celebrities that I admire that are in the entertainment business that are bigger than the average Hollywood sized 0, 2, or 4 woman. Sara Ramirez for example, who plays Callie on Grey’s Anatomy, is said to be 160 lbs. She was a size 12 when she began acting on Grey’s Anatomy and I feel very proud when I see her act as she is both talented and weighs a weight the average woman can relate to.

Someone else I really admire is Lizzie Miller, a model who for Glamour magazine posed “jiggly bits and all.” In her picture, you can clearly see a tummy on Lizzie miller who is 5’11” and considered too big to model even for plus size. Yet in 2009, there she was bearing it all, flaws and everything. Lizzie really inspired me and made me think that it was okay that I have a have a tummy too, I always have. Some of us are never going to be model thin and Lizzie personifies beauty in any body weight. Woman are beautiful and worthy to be loved with tummies, thighs, and butts that are considered too big, so are woman who are incredibly thin and wish they had curves, and so are those woman who are somewhere in-between in their body weights. We are all monumentally blessed to be who we are and have the bodies we do have, of this I am certain.  To read a fascinating article on Lizzie Miller you can go to: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1210814/Lizzie-Millers-Glamour-magazine-shoot-How-models-picture-shook-world-flabby-tummy-all.html and read all about Lizzie’s brave model shoot in 2009.

I am Fine Just The Way I am


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http://www.imbd.com

Today I would like to chat about being satisfied and proud of yourself, with your body and how you look. I believe every individual was made to look how they look for a reason and are beautiful no matter how they look.Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What one person sees as beautiful another person may not but the point is someone somewhere always sees you as beautiful. We all have different tastes and have things about ourselves that we would rather have physically changed. I don’ t think I’ve ever heard of any perfect person who exists who is specifically happy with their whole body. But I do realize that sometimes in this day and age we do have the ability to change our looks and that sometimes this can help the way we look and feel about ourselves such as blue light or microdermabrasion for skin care or procedures such as plastic surgery. These procedures can in certain cases such as plastic surgery also not stop physical unhappiness and cause a person to in a few months to sign up for more life changing botox or surgery that is unnecessary.

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http://www.johnstonefitness.com

Today I was particularly, fascinated by Julie Chen on the program The Talk who revealed a secret today on the show, that she had surgery on her eyes to make them look more open and wide, less Chinese. You see Julia had a boss and agent who told her that her eyes made her look as if she wasn’t really focused or interested in the person she was interviewing. Julie was beautiful before the surgery and she was beautiful after. The surgery really opened up her eyes and I could see what the her boss and her agent had been talking about. This did not make me think it was particularly right that she had to get this surgery to further her career. Culturally, how someone looks needs to be respected – Julie’s boss her agent were being racist. Even though the surgery really improved her career I felt bad that she had to go to surgery that took a year to heal, to get where she wanted in her career. But I suppose this is no different than models who feel they need breast enhancements, people who undergo intense exercise to look very thin and muscular, or a variety of changes individuals make to become more accepted by the general public and make it in the big time.

Is this really what we expect people to do? To change themselves utterly to become pleasing to our eyes and other senses, to unrealistic standards of beauty? Our we so lost that we cannot accept people for themselves? The truth is we are exactly that way, with ourselves and with other people. We judge them until they are at a point where they feel they must alter something major about their appearance to fit in. Sometimes this is a great thing such as changing a grumpy disposition, or improving the way you personally present yourself (the way you dress or take care of yourself) to other people to be more appropriate. But I still wonder why people must always fit into the norm, why mediocrity, and being the same is what we want. Isn’t it our differences that get us noticed, that make us feel such as individuals. But even those who stand out often end up changing themselves to fit in, to be more socially acceptable. For me, fitting in has always been about being thin.

When I was a little girl my mother did not feed us fatty or sugary foods. We rarely got treats in our lunch and only the odd time did my mom ever bring us a McDonald’s cheeseburgers to school. I ran around the school yard playing soccer with the boys and everyday in Physical Education but still I was a pudgy child. This became really apparent to me in Grade 4 when I began to put on fat to grow and when my mom asked me why I was so sad I said ” I’m fat.”

She tried to show me exercises I could do to make my stomach fitter and my legs stronger. I did them but they didn’t really help. Neither did the “Oh don’t worry you’ll grow” words my mother and other relatives said to me. Always fighting against me was my disgust with my body weight 115 lbs for a grade 4 student and the odd comments by people such as my one uncle who looked at my tummy and tight jeans and said “woh, putting on a little weight are we?”

Lucky, for me I did grow. In grade 6, I lost a lot of weight and in grade 8 a lot more. In fact, I was fine up until I started my first job at age 22 years and realized that eating too much of the treats at work was putting on weight. Once, I was in Jr. High School I had decided to get in shape. I ran hard in gym class, played all the sports I could and when I was not good enough to play sports in University I worked out doing Pilates and the elliptical in the gym 3 times a week. When I started gaining weight as a young adult I hit the gym up big-time running, going on the elliptical, the stair climber, and lifting weights 3 times a week to gain muscle.

Once I got depression I jumped from 161 lbs to 144 lbs, I looked sickly. But you know what they say when you lose weight, you gain 10 lbs more back and than if you’re me, 10 lbs more than that. Herbal magic helped me to lose 10 lbs of what I gained back but I am perpetually stuck at 181 lbs or a comfortable size 12. For 3 years I tried to lose weight with no hope. I needed exercise and exercise made me sick and I didn’t have the energy for cardiovascular exercise; I still don’t. Finding the energy to exercise at all even 20 min of yoga is difficult sometimes. I dream of the day I can hit the elliptical at a speed of 8 to 11, with weights on the elliptical making it difficult to peddle. I dream of playing volleyball, of making it through an entire 1 hour yoga class in perfect form.

But than something curious happened after being on Herbal magic and only losing 10 lbs. I learned portion control and found I could keep my weight stable. Because I am mostly sedentary I need a lot less calories than most people. I can eat around 1300-1500 calories a day and that’s just fine for me because I can’t do the exercise part or enough of it to lose excess calories. Even walking around the block or walking to the bus, I just don’t do that that often even though I should. But you know what, despite the people I see from 7 years ago who say ‘ Oh, you’ve put on weight,’ I am pretty happy with how I look.

www.acidcow.com
http://www.acidcow.com

I am the quintessential pin up girl. I have large hips and thanks to the extra weight, good sized boobs. I have a beautiful oval face, white skin, big blue eyes, real blond hair, and legs that are pretty good. The only thing I don’t quite like is my stomach but some body parts you just have to live with. I am just the way I am and I am pleased with my body. I wish more woman would think like me instead of comparing themselves to their skinnier friends or curvier friends depending on if you’re thin or not. It is too bad that people like Julie Chen have to go and change their eyes just to get noticed in Hollywood, but she’s persevered anyways. It is unfortunate that some men might call me a bit fat but I am happy with the way I look.

Confidence in your self-image is key to loving yourself. You are exactly the way you are supposed to be and you always have the option of changing yourself if you feel you must. If you feel you need more exercise or if you feel you look better as a red head. Just remember some changes can effect you all your life. Julie Chen can never get her Asian eyes back and I may never get my pre-depression body back due to a lack of exercise and medication, but life is about learning how to be content and learning to love what you have now. So own your life and your body remember what’s inside whatever body you have is so much more vital to who you are than your appearance.

 

Flurt Articles


Hi everyone. Here are some Flurt articles from the past week. Enjoy!

To Pretty To Keep Her Job

http://www.flurtsite.com/2013/07/melissa-nelson-too-pretty-to-keep-her-job/

Mother’s Be Good To Your Daughters

http://www.flurtsite.com/2013/07/mothers-be-good-to-your-daughters/

Is Obesity A Disease?

http://www.flurtsite.com/2013/07/is-obesity-a-disease/

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New Flurt Articles: Perfect Eye Shadow, Graduating, Abercrombie Scandal, and Montreal


Hey Everyone? What do you think of the new blog theme? I am not so sure about it but haven’t had the time to change it to something I like better. I miss my picture being front and Center – the red shoes and red apples. So, I’ll have to get that back. Anyway’s for your reading pleasure some of my recent Flurt articles

The Perfect Eye Shadow

http://www.flurtsite.com/2013/05/the-perfect-eye-shadow/

Here’s To The Night Your Graduating

http://www.flurtsite.com/2013/05/heres-to-the-night-youre-graduating/

Attractive and Fat: Abercrombie & Fitch

http://www.flurtsite.com/2013/06/attractive-fat-reacting-to-the-abercrombie-fitch-scandal/

Montreal la belle province

http://www.flurtsite.com/2013/06/a-trip-to-montreal-in-la-belle-province/

Please enjoy and comments are always welcome.

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