An Empty House


www.eofdreams.comHappy Monday! I hope everyone had a great weekend and is enjoying the nice weather that has suddenly come upon us in certain places in Canada. For me it has been a tough weekend and I ended up canceling a great deal of my weekend plans.

I had planned to go to my boyfriend’s place Saturday night and stay until Sunday but most of the weekend I spent sleeping. I slept so much that I got tired of sleeping. I was sore from sleeping. Yeah! Big deal you say, I only wish I could sleep that much but their comes a point when you want to do activities and talk with people and go out to the mall and do weekend like plans. Too much sleeping makes you sleepy. But I have a good reason.

20140109-144018.jpgI went to the Psychiatrist intending a minor medication tweak but well the medication changes ended up being more than I expected. I explained to my doctor how I needed to be able to concentrate better and have the capacity to sit through a 3 hour class at night again. She told me that the 600 mg of Gabepentine I was on for sleep was horrible for cognitive function. Plus, we went down in the dosage of another pill I am taking. My doctor gave me some type of old antipsychotic that has the side effect of causing you to be extremely tired. I couldn’t handle a whole pill I slept all day the first day. When I broke the pill in half it was much better but getting used to antipsychotics especially with sleep side effects is very difficult. Today is the first day I feel kind of normal and not like I’m so doped up I just can’t do anything. Today I need to go the Psychiatrist again and check in. I still feel out of it a bit like I am very run down so it will be a bit difficult to do this today but today by far today  is the best day I’ve had. And the sleeping aspect of the medication is very effective which is great, and it won’t cause me to gain weight. So yeah! All around.

www.dogpictures.co
http://www.dogpictures.co

On Saturday my dog finally passed away. You probably do not know it has been a downhill battle for her these past 2 months. She couldn’t walk anymore due to her arthritis and something was going on with her that we just didn’t know about. I woke up on Saturday and started petting her before realizing her teeth were in funny place and she wasn’t moving. My Dad told me she had died about 15 minutes ago. It is very sad and I miss her a lot.

Today is the worst day because it is my first day home alone without her ever. There was no one to eat my scraps at lunch and beg. There was no dog to pet when I got up or to sleep at the end of my bed on the floor. There is no dog sitting below me and just to the right on the rug as I write this. Those things are the hardest to get over. It was her time, don’t get me wrong, she was suffering and that wasn’t right. But the house has this peculiar empty feeling as if a part of its soul has been taken away and I suppose the feeling will go away eventually but now I still search the house for signs of my dog and listen for her now and then.

Friday is Good Friday and both of my brother’s will be coming over for Easter dinner and I suppose that means church at night too if I can manage it.

20140130-210221.jpgThe stripping of the altar on Easter Friday is always on of the most eerie practices I ever experienced at church. It is symbolic of Christ’s death on the cross but the church always feel so hollow and empty on Good Friday. Everyone goes home in silence. I suppose just like my dog is a big part of my house Jesus is the soul of the Church and without him it would be empty. But at least on Easter morning, the altar cloths, Bible, Candles, and Communion ware are put back and the Church once again feels like Church. That is because Jesus rises from the Dead and comes back to life having defeated Sin, Death, and the Devil.

Easter is a happy time and I have so many good memmories of waking up early for Easter baskets with chocolate and small presents when my siblings and I were little kids. So it will be a good ending, after I feel will be a tough week getting used to new meds and going to class for the first time this year at the U of A.

Criticism Maybe Good for You, Just Write Anyways


I have struggled with my writing the last few days. Maybe it is because I have jumped down from that Cloud where I think ” I was an English Major with a 3.7 average so there! “The truth is in the real world your not the only one who gets to critique your work and sometimes constructive criticism hurts. It is not the fact that I am getting criticized, I know in writing it is great to have friends or editors look at your work and I know from critiquing others when writing is not sounding right. But sometimes it still hurts, you’ve done all this work only to find that this has to be changed and so does this, and do not look now, someone has a different insight into your writing then you did when you were writing it etc.

Mostly, I do not mind but expect people to be clear to me on what I am writing for or about and what format or style of writing they are wanting to see. And I really get tired of talking about my mental illness at times. My situation is pretty unique but I guess every mentally ill person would say that. I want people to treat people who are mentally ill better and to be more understanding to them; one of the ways people can do this is by knowing that mental illnesses are physical problems in disguise. Some synapses in your brain or chemicals become imbalanced and this is purely a physical reaction on your brain with mental symptoms. But I have said this before in articles and to people it is just that when it comes to going deeper inside someone’s experience with mental illness it is difficult and right now I am tired of it; it was a very personal time for me. But I say yes to giving a mentally ill person’s view point because I want other people to become aware of what I just told you, to share knowledge, not because I want to tell all most of the time.

As a writer I want to get as far away from this topic as possible right now. I will write about a lot of things but not that. But I have learned a lot that I have forgotten in writing such as saying things more concisely and simply, playing with sentences until they are perfect, proof reading many times not just a few, and reading aloud your writing to listen for mistakes. I forget how many times a writer must revise and sometimes I am so sick of writing something I do not care to fix it. i think let editors do what they want, or I’ll fix it in a few days. But that’s a problem because it’s my work and I set high standards for myself which I have to learn to keep but also sometimes to lower. My work is imperfect and sometimes needs to be left a day before I turn it in to reword, edit- out, revise, and catch mistakes. This does not make me a bad writer, only a human one and I suppose an inexperienced one.

But what has really become clear to me is that to be a writer you just have to write, good or bad days, or any day really. The point is just write. And then you start to learn to do all these things instinctively and perhaps if you are lucky you will be able to reach your own expectations or adjust accordingly. I think those of us who write are born with the talent to write and that we are self-made people; however much we write and what we write about determines our success; that and the people, our audience, that we are trying to appeal to. So maybe we are not self made, maybe we are just lucky? But I think either way we continue to write because it is a need, it is like breathing, something that does not stop inside of us, until we are dead. That my friends, is a certainty.