February: Please Be Good to Me!


February Please be good.
http://www.quoteswallpapers.net
 I’ve been feeling pretty great lately. I never feel I’m one-hundred percent, but I am feeling better than I have in a couple of years. The medication change for me I went into hospital in July 2015 to complete, was effective. Although, it is difficult for me to wake-up earlier then 10:30 am on my best days, I am able to do activities around home until midnight. 

Sometimes, I do still have a particularly, tiring day, and I need to sleep most of the day. But I feel I am at my best in the night and can achieve many of my daily goals. This drug I am on, clozapine, is supposed to heal your brain and help you improve each month you are on the drug. I hope it continues to help my health improve. There are many activities in life I would like to have the energy to accomplish. But I am sleeping well, and when you have insomnia sleeping well is always a plus.

Before Christmas, I did not feel I could go out at night. I didn’t have the energy for it and making the effort to get ready at night was extremely hard. But I have found since I am doing better at nights, I have been able to do more activities with friends. I attended my my friend K’s surprise 30th Birthday a couple of weeks ago ( I think I mentioned that in a poem) and I was at the hostesse’s house from 5:00 pm to 1:00 am and I felt fine. I expected to regret it the next morning but I felt alright. I was a tad tired but nothing a nap couldn’t fix. The party was a fun time with lots of wine and interesting conversation. It is crazy to see friends from university ( and friend’s of friends) as adults, with husbands, and children of their own.

I have also been feeling much better in the day time. When I wake- up, it takes me awhile to feel myself, but after an hour at most, I feel normal. I am able to write, research, scrapbook, do chores, go for a walk, or go out for an appointment or a date — whatever I need to be doing that day. I still time my outings so they occur every two-days and it helps me not become worn out. But I am also finding that my motivation has increased as well as my ability to mentally concentrate. I can concentrate for I’d say five hours or so writing, reading, and/or working on a project for school.

I am also interested in doing things I haven’t done in awhile. Over Christmas I started scrapbooking photos again. I do them the old fashioned way, by hand. But I enjoy it and I have fantastic scrapbooks full of memories. I have this tradition where I make mini – scrapbook albums for my friends who have recently gotten married. Unfortunately, I wasn’t motivated to scrapbook in two-years so I am behind. I have more pictures of my own to scrapbook but  I have completed two wedding albums for my friends T and J.

I am also working on the PopSugar Booklist, sort of . . .I find I do not have enough time or energy left in the day to read, especially when I am inspired to write a great deal. I am still half-way through reading ‘a book with a blue cover’ and I don’t know that I will finish the book I chose. I started another book I enjoy reading. It is the final book in a Romance/Action set of five books. The story moves along quickly and I feel more into this book. The other one is a little blah. So we’ll see how the list goes but I’m kind of thinking I will read what I like and I have a new book with a blue cover. I have always been a person who hated to have specific books assigned to read, if the books were not about a topic I was interested in. I am always surprised when a book I am assigned to read is fantastic these days. I read to escape and have fun so it is better to read what I feel like in the spur of the moment. I pre-order a few of my favourite writers on iBooks but mostly I read a book I feel like reading at the time.

Hard Love Book
Hard Love #5 OF Hackers Series http://www.amazon.com
Writing is time consuming. Especially now that my novel is planned out. I am half-way through writing the book. Thanks to those of you who have been giving helpful and encouraging comments. The book is at a point where I have to start building towards the defeat of the antagonist and provide resolution for my protagonist Nina. I’m excited to do write more but each chapter is a lot of work. Even after I post a chapter, I see so many corrections which need to be made. I leave it for a few days and sometimes I still miss obvious mistakes and areas of the chapter which don’t sound quite right.I know after I’ve done corrections (sometime in the near future)I’m going to be going back and taking out parts that are unnecessary and adding in parts that are needed. I will be combining chapters, moving parts around, and breaking chapters a part.

Writing a novel is a long process I am learning, one which I have only begun. But my goal as I have said in some of my comments, is completing a first-draft. After the first-draft is complete I can start to look at helpful and constructive comments more closely and complete a better second and/or third draft.  I want to have my novel edited professionally eventually. 

If you know of any talented editors or you are one, please send me a note. I’m looking for someone who has experience but who is not too pricey. Might be impossible! But I am looking for the kind of editor who will look over the book as a whole. I can’t remember the title used for this kind of editor, the name escapes me. I will need this editor to be someone who will honestly tell me what works in my novel and what needs rewriting. After,  I will look at obtaining the services of a copyeditor. But I amthinking too far ahead. Those steps are a long way off. For now, I’m aiming for a complete first-draft.

—–

I had the pleasure, of having brunch at one of my bestfriend’s condo yesterday. I haven’t seen her in months so it was exciting to see her and her new fiance and hear all about their wedding plans and their other plans for their future together. The fiance cooked a wonderful breakfast. I was sorry I had to make them wait in the morning. My cab took off  when I told him to wait one minute for me to put my boots and coat on. He was already fifteen minutes late, so I guess hanging around was too much for him. Luckily, Co-op cab is awesome most of the time and the driver who came at 11:30 am was excellent. I am grateful I got to visit with S and her fiance A for awhile. And I am looking forward to their wedding at a warm destination in 2017. I will be saving my money in hopes I will have the health and wealth to be there.

S gave me a wonderful belated Birthday and Christmas gift. It was so thoughtful. I received loot from David’s Tea, including some lip balm which I needed because my lips are dry. The lip balm is like this lip balm (in the picture below) only a different flavour. It is infused with Tea for flavouring and is hydrating for your lips. S also got me some chocolate flavoured Tea from David’s which I was introduced to yesterday at her house. It’s yummy! I also received a wonderful tin of strawberry flavoured tea bags to make real iced tea in the summer so I am anxious to try that tea when the weather is warm.

David's Tea Lip Balm
David’s Tea: Tea Infused Lip Balm http://www.davidstea.com
S also bought me this awesome face mask from Sephora which was very moisturizing. It was called the Sephora Rose Sleeping Mask. I woke this morning with the most wonderfully hydrated skin. I thought there was a lot of mask in one package at first but I layered it on and it all sunk into my skin by morning. I recommend trying one of Sephora’s sleeping masks. The rose mask, if nothing else, is perfect for dry winter skin.

Sephora Rose Mask
Sephora Rose Mask http://www.sephora.ca
One of my favourite actors is an Irish actor named Jamie Dornan. S managed to find me an adult coloring book of Jamie Dornan. I thought it must have been a completely random find, but I love it and will attempt to colour in it and make Jamie look artistic. It is the perfect activity to do when I am feeling like not doing anything too stressful, just relaxing.

In case your interest is peaked, here is some basic information on Jamie Dornan. If you are wondering where you’ve heard of him, he used to be a famous Calvin Klein model and dated Keira Knightley early in her career. He was Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey and will be in both sequels. He is also in a mini series in it’s third season with Gillian Anderson from the X-Files, called The Fall. Season 1 and Season 2 can be found on Netflix. I have also seen Jamie in a few other random movies; he is a talented actor and I think his career is only beginning. And I did like him as an actor before Fifty Shades, so we’re clear. I think he is incredibly hot as well, even when he wears a beard which he often does. But he is happily married to an actress named Amelia who is pregnant with their second child. Nevertheless  I believe I’m allowed a movie star crush.

Additionally, when I was on YouTube today watching the Pixiewoo’s in some of their latest makeup tutorials, I found a great Youtube video on how to do a polished chignon. It seems a bit complicated but it’s not. The video is easy to follow and the style is perfect for medium to long hair. I think you would have to do this Chignon on first day hair as the look you are trying to achieve is not messy but neat.

Chignon YouTube Video (You have to go into my blog on WordPress to see the video.)

 

I also was excited to replace my trusty original Ipad Mini. I saved up from Christmas and received a hundred dollars for my old one, and replaced the original mini with the Ipad Mini 4. This Ipad 4 Mini is faster, plus it has 64 GB of memory compared to my old one which only had 16 GB. It is great to write blog posts on and to slip into my purse if I’m going to a coffee shop because of it’s size. It holds my entire music collection and book collection with plenty of space left. I did not opt for the Ipad with a possibility for a SIM card as I can find excellent WIFI for my Ipad 4, most places. Glad to be able to use an Ipad again. My only complaint would be is Apple hasn’t managed to increase the battery life in four models.

One last topic to cover: I have been doing Weight Watchers online for about a month. I find it hard to stay inside the number of points you have available to eat, despite the fact fruit and veggies are worth no points. To bad they are so expensive right now! But I have lost about four pounds, that is what I put on at Christmas. I am continuing on with Weight Watchers trying to lose twenty-one more pounds. I’m not sure it’s possible. I am also looking into diet, energy, and weight supplements a friend is trying from a company called XYNGULAR. I did a lot of research on Xyngular’s products today. I am undecided on whether the products will truly work or not. I have read mixed reviews. I am going to an event with more information this Saturday.

The products are quite expensive so I would only want to do the products I want, not a package of products. Also, I think I have to be careful being on medications. A pharmacist did say the list of ingredients was okay for me but I have taken supplements before which  didn’t work because of their interference with medications and because they didn’t work. I might try a few products at the end of February. It is money back garuenteed for thirty -days, but that always comes with it’s problems. Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading!

Advertisements

Side Effects: What’s Blocking you From Feeling Better


I am having one of those bad days, where it’s hard to describe how I feel to other people. I’m trying my best to get out of it  but everything has this foggy feeling to me. I feel weak and I have this slight tremor. I have this sharp ache that goes through my body. I just want everything to be clear and to feel good, and not be exhausted as if I can’t do anything because I don’t have the energy.

I guess I’m still getting use to the clozapine and getting use to being off other drugs like the rispirdone. I kid you not but it is so hard to get out of bed in the morning I don’t know how I managed it so much easier before. I don’t know what to expect each day, will I feel good or will I feel awful. Not to mention problems with my sinuses aren’t helping things much. Sure I can sleep at night, but at the cost of feeling bad all day, I don’t know what’s better. 

It’s just really frustrating. Even my ears feel over sensitive to sound. And people talking is irritating. These are all the little side effects they say on TV after announcing this miracle drug. You don’t really think too much about them when you go on some medication until you feel the side effects. The truth is sometimes you have to suffer through them and hope they go away. It makes it difficult to get on with your life.

I know I’m complaining, and I don’t mean too so much. I’m just looking forward to a time I will feel better and not sleepy all day. I’m playing the game of chance you play when you try new medications. Have you ever felt awful on a new medication? Did you stay on it or was that it for you?

Tough Decisions


Even More Meds

A tough decision – something a lot of us have to make one time or another. Now I hate to talk about my experiences with depression a lot; I do not want that to be the only example through which I can relate to you on a lot of issues; however, in this instance, well my life now is what it is and having a depressive episode a major one, has challenged me to make a lot of hard decisions.

Before, my episode I was utterly clueless to the ways mental illness actually affected someone with the exception of my Baba who is a paranoid schizophrenic. But the thing is, there are many types of schizophrenics, many different types of anxieties, and depressions and each illness experience, although perhaps sharing some similar symptoms. is unique to each person. Have you ever thought about that, how does it actually feel on the inside to be mentally ill? The other concept I did not understand was how ‘physical’ depression can actually be. Your body can literally, be “physically” depressed and not just your emotions. Your mind can be physically depressed – which means you man not even feel sad but physically your brain is still affected by the depression. My episode was three years back, but I continue to be especially physically affected by it both in my energy levels and ability to concentrate and have mental endurance to do activities for long periods of time.

My struggle to live a normal life with depression has lead me through a sizeable amount of prescription drugs. Sleeping pills because I cannot sleep on my own anymore, antidepressants, antipsychotics, and stimulants. Each drug I have tried with the exception of the ones I perhaps, had to go on when I was first very ill, have been tough decisions. Now you make think a little pill, well, is just a pill but it is not. Ever watch those prescription drug commercials on TV and ever notice the wide range of side effects each drug has? Those are the tough decisions when you are taking a medication, do the benefits of this drug out weigh the bad side effects? Now each drug I have continued to use I have continued to use on the basis that when I started to use it I felt somehow better. I do not always know exactly what that ‘better’ is but something just clicks, starts to feel better so I continue to take the drug because it helps. Nonetheless, I have tried many medications that have not worked for me. I found that doctors and nurses cannot tell you exactly how a drug will affect you, truth be told, they do not know, particularly, in psychiatry I think but maybe it is that way with medication and physical illnesses such as cancer as well. So some drugs make you extremely sick. And although I may be encouraged to continue to try a drug that makes me feel awful, where life and death are not concerned, I do not believe it is worth it to keep taking that drug. When medication is doing you more harm then good, physically and mentally making you sicker, giving you bad side effects, and not showing you that glimmer of improvement that you would like to see, I believe that drug is not for me. Now I do not want people not to take their medications because sometimes the truth is, you do need a drug even though it makes you ill, but for me, in this case, drugs that make me feel really sick even if it has only been a couple of days, are not the medications for me.

Such was my experience with Clozapine this last weekend. I have never felt so sick, not even from a bad flu, as this drug made me feel. After, two days I was done with it. Clozapine is supposed to be  a ‘last resort’ antipsychotic and it was for me to. Typically, it may be used for schizophrenia but also in cases of depression or where a psychotic episode has occurred.  It was a difficult decision going on this drug – blood tests every week for the first 6 months and less often( for a longer period), a very good chance of large weight gain, and increased chance of diabetes,  extreme tiredness, possible immunity disorder (hence the blood tests weekly), and other conditions having to do with the heart etc. The thing was though that, I had never tried this drug so it was a good option to try and Clozapine actually heals the brain a little bit every year, one of the only drugs in psychiatry to do so. Also, Clozapine causes you to sleep without the use of sleeping pills.  For some people this is the ‘magic’ pill, for me it was not. I am comfortable with that decision especially given what that means.

I have gone through so many medications that I am told by my doctor she does not know what to do to help me medication wise after this. I can function half normally on my current medications but not enough to work, to go to school full time. And suddenly, I am okay with that. I do not have a choice and I am fine. Someone somewhere may come up with a drug that may aid me in the future, but now I am at the limits of my doctor. And like a big weight off my shoulders when I decided I had enough with the Clozapine, I was okay with that. At least I can be stable, where I am at now. I know what I can expect this summer, in terms of what I can and cannot do. I still face many challenges such as my insomnia, and an energy decrease in winter months by a degree, but I know what to expect. And this brings me peace.

Tough decisions, its hard to tell yourself you are okay with having a limited life, but it is also foolish to limit yourself. Many people suffer through many illnesses and bad times, and go on to do great things. Rather, than accepting my limits completely, I am learning to work around them to the best of my abilities and that is all any one could ask of me. I am blessed by God in the place I am at in life. It was not where I thought I would be, but I am okay with that. How about you? Are you okay where you are at in life? What tough decisions have you had to make?