In the Bible, God promises that his Word will be a “light unto our path” and a “lamp unto our feet” (Psalm 119:105). The problem I find with this statement comes when you actually picture it. A person, walking in darkness along a path holding a lamp, a light above their head trying to see where they should place the next footstep, at least that’s the picture I get of Psalm 119:105. The thing is, holding that little light up in your hand you cannot see very far down that path, you can only see where your next footstep goes if that; you are unable to anticipate what lies more than a footstep ahead of you. I liken, this to life. We want to know where we will we go, what we will we be, and were trying are best to foresee where that is, but the truth is we can barely see a footstep in front of us, that is all we really know.
Thinking about this predicament scares me a bit. I cannot begin to relate the life of spunky 23-year-old moving her way up in a commercial development company to the somewhat wiser, albeit not as fearless 27 year old before me fighting for energy just to do every day things sometimes, just to attend one class a week, at night, and pay attention to what is being taught; to do her part in her group project just like she said she would, even though truth be told her energy is low, like light of the sun peaking through the sky. It is just a small thing to some people, but for her it is a big thing. It means she can do something, use her skills for something productive, and towards a future, but looking at the future she cannot even imagine being off this couch studying, trying to make it work in the ‘real’ world again, dealing with all those people, starting to work her way back up the corporate ladder again. That is one of my biggest fears in a nutshell. Because I can only see and do what I can in this Business course now as I work, not for this project, not for this course, not for the semester, not for the year, and certainly not in the grande scheme of life. And as I am reading the textbook and reading about all the little things involved in an interior design business, all the little things that go into a business plan, the process becomes overwhelming; I become overwhelmed. Then I look back to point ‘A’ years ago in University, in High School, starting to work, always so sure of myself, but not anymore. Now truly if I am lucky, I see only a “lamp unto my feet” (Psalm 119:105) So how at one time was I the student who was so sure of herself, am I the older Student who is so unsure of herself, and how does she relate to the ‘adult’ who needs to be able to support and take care of herself, in her future?
I do not know the answer. We cannot tell the future and that is the truth. And we never even when things looked good, knew what lay ahead, we just thought we did. What occurs to me is that I have very little control over my life that is sharply destined by God, bad things, and the whims of other people; that even when I try to exert some control I just end up where ever anyways. There is a plan alright, but on days like today, I cannot see that plan in action. The best thing I can think of to do on days like this where I can barely see what lies ahead of me is to take my worries and my problems and literally place them in God’s hands. Just like the song, “He’s Got the The Whole World in His Hands” I guess now he has my little problems too. I still wonder and I am still scared, but at the same time I feel this big weight lifted off my shoulders because the only answer to this problem, is that Jesus has to deal with it. Just as he dealt with the sins of all people on the cross, he must deal with my inadequacies too. So I am okay for a little while, the sun is peaking out, and one day when I have the strength to handle the responsibilities I am working towards, I will. Just like that.