Everything will be Alright!


Things have not been alright lately if I am honest with you and you probably got that from my last post. But I am always surprised how life can come up behind you and surprise you and just be better than you ever thought possible in your lowest times. My revelation has not come from other people, it has not come from some huge event happening in my life, and it has not come from a place I expected to come from. Instead, my epiphany, has come from the little things in life and moving from day to day experiencing life. I have just had these tiny pinpoints in time where I have felt relieved and not tense and for a moment at peace.

First, I think having a pet you can cuddle up into helps anybody. Having your dog lay beside you or on top of you (as pets will do) can cause the strangest sense of peace in your body. My mom swears she will never get another dog after our family pet Nikki but I contest, especially if I am still living at home (and indebt as I am I just may!). She may be hairy and go crazy whenever someone goes by our house but one pet down her coat and one lick on my cheek from her and I am okay – the stress of the moment is released and I go back to my work feeling completely comfy and not so alone because of the fury little thing sitting next to me.

One of the other little things I appreciate is prayer. Maybe atheists think I am talking to no one when I pray to God but when I pray to him “God, I am overwhelmed please take my problems and my life and be in control,” it feels to me as if the biggest weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I can breath easy and relax. I believe that it is God helping me get through a tough situation but you also might consider the fact that just saying aloud that you can’t handle things and that you need help can be a huge relief on you. The Truth of everything becomes something you do not have to carry inside anymore, it is out in the open even if you never even really never told anybody.

Another thing that has lead to some stress relief is well relief from the stress of shopping. I have learnt something about myself that like a druggie in some respects, I am always looking for that high in life for those good time feelings. I do not do drugs and occasionally I have a night of some fun drinking with some friends but what I am referring to is those natural pleasurable endorphins that you may get from heart pumping exercise, sudden and short-term bursts of stress, sex, and for me shopping too. Everybody has their thing; but I am just so happy to be free of shopping. Not to feel like I have to buy something every time I see something I like, not to be ruled by those feelings. It is actually nice to look at stuff on the internet and say ” No Thank You” in my head, ” I don’t need that right now, I have lots.” It is a release from pressure to keep up with the latest fashion trends and go back to who I am, just the girl who likes to dress classy and be a little trendy. You know chic but on a budget. I do not have to be embarrassed by all the clothes or shoes I am buying and  a lot of what I have I can just wear again. Now the time may come when I curse this, and say well I really need this but cannot afford it. But just like anything incentive in shopping is key. When you have the incentive to save up for something it holds a whole lot more meaning for you and you wear that item more and care about that item more. Plus, you waste less money on things that really are not right for you and just end up in the Goodwill bag anyways. As my mom says, clothes go away, fashion is always changing, and I have found sight of a woman who has control over her shopping habits and can say no. Now I think I will have to find my endorphins somewhere else, I am not sure yet but I have some ideas! Then again maybe we only need endorphins once and awhile and for the rest of the time their is chocolate and dogs.

Another of the little happy everyday things that make me happy our my friends. I have been so stressed out by this CAD course I have been taking and the impending work I would have had to do to get into my Master’s program, I have not really had the time to see them a whole lot. So I am excited to be having a friend over for a wine night, and having a birthday at the Druid with some friends, and spending time with my boyfriend who is just coming up to Edmonton as we speak. When I get all stressed out and madly text or call my boyfriend who works up North, he always tells me ” Everything is going to be alright.” And those words are the best words in the world, cause immediately I feel safe and secure and I know exactly why I am dating him and not the other plethora of men who are out there right now.

Being thankful for the little things in life, going back to the basics can ease stress tremendously. Life is never going to be stress free and there will be times when that stress is worse than other’s but if you think of the small and good things in your life and focus on them I think you will feel much better and be able to handle your stress that much more.

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Do You Love Me?


“You love me?”

These are the words asked of me by my boyfriend while we are making out in his room. Now, I hesitate to share such personal things but I was really confused. First of all we were, well you know, and you are never supposed to trust a guy who says that when you are doing that so I just pretended I didn’t hear him. Then he asked again, ” you love me right? ” And I respond kind of questioningly, “yes?” I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

” Liar” he proclaims.

But I ask him: ” Do You love me?”

And he says, “No” and things continue between us for awhile, it is the answer I expected to hear. He begins to well torture me in a good way saying ” Tell me you love me? You love me? Yes, you love me? Tell me?” And I was so confused because suddenly in the back of my mind I began to wonder if this was more than just a sex thing.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year now and I really really like him a lot. I love spending time with him, talking with him, dancing with him, doing just about anything with him. I love that he is understanding of my health issues, I love the excitement of seeing him after he has been up North 3 weeks and he comes home to Edmonton. I love to help him, I love to argue with him, I love just being quiet with him. But do I love love him? Is that what he was asking me? Stubbornly I kept my mouth shut and maybe wisely too because in reality I am not sure I am at that point yet.

” Tell me you love me?” He demands and I counter, ” You tell me?”

” I asked first” he says with gritted teeth. But I cannot lie to him so I say nothing until I am screaming. You see I believe in honesty and we agreed on honesty when we first started seeing each other. I just don’t believe ‘ I love you’ in the way that you mean ‘ I am in love with you’ should be said lightly. When I feel it, when I mean it then I will say it. But I was not about to lie to him or give him false ideas.

My boyfriend is a rock. He is dependable, kind, pleasing, hot, spiritual, gentle, and just amazing. How could I not love him? But I am not in that place yet, should I tell him? He did not say anything afterwards but he was anxious to see me last night and I wonder, does he love me? It is a precious and delicate thing to hold someone’s heart in your hand, something I would not abuse. But sometimes one person is somewhere in a relationship and the other person is somewhere else; that is just the way love goes. But then again maybe it was just an in the moment thing?

Do you love me? What a difficult question to ask and answer. I just know that when I feel it I’ll know and then at that time, it will be the right thing to say.

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That Inbetween Place


I’m not sure how other long distance relationships work, I thought everything was working out in mine. Communication has always been one of the issues between us, at least in my opinion. But it is hard just texting all the time, then him coming back for a week , getting close again – just to be separated again. It is frustrating trying to make plans with someone who will not or cannot make plans. I do what I do most of the time and he does what he does. I’m luck if I get to see him one day when he is back. Usually he is taking off to Saskatoon, Calgary, Red Deer somewhere for most of the week. Sometimes with good reason and sometimes just to get away.

He used to invite me along at first, now he never would – I guess I should have gone the first time he asked. This time he is off in Saskatchewan, his Canadian home ( he’s not from here.) But I always wonder why he cannot set set aside an extra day for me when he’s off. I know he is going to get car parts for his beloved 1993 car. But I also know he is off to see friends there too. I feel kind of like I’m second to his car, and his other friends. I get what’s left of him. I just want to hang out, get to talk and know more about him.It’s good when I am with him but hard when I am not because he doesn’t really talk to me- just usually a few words. He will not answer all my questions. And when something such as one of our visits does not work out – he won’t tell me that he can’t come get me. I mean just say it! Tell me I hate getting all dressed up for him just guessing if he’ll come see me/ get me or not.

I wanted him to let me know what is going on but he will not offer information up to me at all. I had to pry it out of him. It’s like some power thing with him – manipulation, so I do not know too much what is really going on with him. So a couple days ago I thought he was coming up to Edmonton next week but it was this week. He texted me, wanted to meet up but between me not being able to drive and his car badly in need of parts it didn’t work out. But he didn’t tell me he said he might pick me up. So not a word ! I called so I could actually talk to him, but he told me not to do that because his phone is long distance! But who cares about a few minutes long distance, I needed to figure out what was going on. I got frustrated and told him he needs to be clearer with me to me communicate. Usually he would text me more but he never did – never said a thing. I think he’s mad but I don’t know. I just need to know what’s happening so I can plan; I have life you know! I’m mad, i I realize that. I ask you, what am I to him that he cannot give me more time with him and not just on his schedule. It’s us when your boyfriend and girlfriend – not just me or him. So I told him to skype, nothing yet. We need to talk, cause I let my guard down around him, I care about him. Does he feel the same way? Or is it just lust.

Men are so frustrating and I can fix nothing if he does not like when I call- I’d rather we talk in person though. I am hurt and I miss him, cannot stop thinking about it if it’s just me or what? I’m in this Inbetween place, it is the strangest place to be – not knowing. I hate it!