Boudoir Photography and A Little Self – Confidence

Why would anyone do Boudoir Photography? Isn’t that more like for your boyfriend or husband? Isn’t it embarrassing posing around in sexy lingerie, especially if you haven’t got the perfect body?
I think those are all questions people like me asked ourselves before checking out Boudoir Photography. Although, I’m sure some places aren’t the classiest about the whole affaire many photographers are and strive for elegant photos of you in your sexy best. Think of a 1950’s bedroom and the luxurious lingerie women wore back then or think of the simple underrated sexiness of slumming it around the house in your boyfriends comfiest jersey and your underwear, except either way you look gorgeous because your hair and makeup have been coiffed voluminously and your cat eyes done perfectly by professionals. Some places even have all women staff to make you  more comfortable and to make you feel more comfortable in your own skin.

And who gets boudoir photography? Women of all shapes and sizes in all kinds of classy outfits. Usually you get to pick about 3 to 4 outfits for an hour or so session. If your like me that was no problem, in fact, it was hard to cut down my choices. I chose a couple bra and panty sets, a couple of corsets, and a silk negligee. I had matching shoes and jewelry for most of my outfits. But actually, the particular photographer I chose had jewelry, shoes, and other outfits to choose from should I change my mind or want to use anything she had brought, from a few participating stores.

The shoot I went to took place in a classy hotel, but many photographers have their own studios for you to choose from. After changing into my first outfit, I was a little nervous because I didn’t know how to pose and I felt a little self conscious about my weight but my worries were soon obliterated. The photographer knew exactly how I should pose and move in the most attractive manner. We used props like a blanket, the bed, the chair, a mirror, and the curtains. And she was constantly showing me how the pictures looked even before she went and subjected them to some photo retouching. I felt great looking at those photos, very self-confident about myself and my body.

Many women go to get Boudoir Photography for their husbands or boyfriends. Although, my boyfriend would like the photos, the real reason I went had nothing to do with him. I was doing this for me. I wanted to be able to say to myself in 50 years look this how I looked when I was young, not to bad eh? I didn’t even want my boyfriend to see the photos at first but they turned out so well that I had to show him and he approved of the classy boudoir photographs my the photographer had taken.

It was an hour and a half session the first time I went so it was long time and we took a lot of pictures in various poses. Later, I was mailed a CD with the best of the photograph’s on the CD and I had 2 photo books made. One photography book I made for me and one for my boyfriend. All in all though it was a confidence booster for me and helped me feel a lot better about a body that had seen about 25 lbs of weight increase in 4 years due to medication and the inability to stay fit. I felt like a sexy bombshell and I knew that if I looked this great under my clothes then with my clothes on I would feel even better.

So, here I am 2 years later, after that fun and renewing experience. I have put on another 12 lbs due to medication and I don’t feel so good about my body. My boyfriend always tells me he loves what he sees but I have decided to try Boudoir Photography again for myself to see how I really look at this stage in my life, almost 30-years-old. I am a bit nervous to see what I will see but I know that I will feel good about what I see after and that the photographer will make look good even if I’m a little chubby now. I have chosen my outfits and I am excited to go, to have my hair and makeup done again and to prove to myself that I am just beautiful as I was 2-years before.

I know I can’t go and get Boudoir Photography every time I gain a little weight. But a place I was planning on going for it had a groupon for a good price and I have heard fantastic things about the company. So I am excited to look sexy under the camera again reaffirm what I already know, I look good skin deep and otherwise.

And then I Awoke!

It has been a frustrating past 3 weeks but the situation is looking up. I spent 3 weeks almost just sleeping trying to get use to an antipsychotic drug for sleeping. This drug would allow me to use less of another sleeping pill I need to sleep and give me greater cognitive clarity. But the truth is you never know how you are going to react to medications. There are so many side effects I wonder sometimes why we bother with them at all and I also wonder for the people taking them if they truly are helping them despite the side effects.

The medication I was on at only half a pill even just made me sleep. When I started to sleep a bit less I found myself extremely foggy and having even less energy then I had before. To give you some idea, walking from the beginning of one wing of Kingsway Mall to the end at of that wing made me extremely fatigued both physically and mentally. The mall wasn’t busy but it seemed noisy to me and I couldn’t really concentrate on looking at clothes or shoes or anything ( very odd for me), I just sat in a waiting area while my mom looked.

But I decided after that outing that this drug I was on was not to be because it wasn’t

fixing anything for me just making it worst. So I went back on my Gabepentin and felt extremely sleepy on that medication all day until yesterday when I finally felt awake enough and had energy enough to go downtown and just do simple errands such as going to the drugstore. I started gift shopping as I have 4 birthdays, Mother’s Day, and 2 baby presents to get. I have 2 birthday presents picked out and both baby presents. My brother will take care of the Mother’s Day present so I’m just left with 2 Birthday’s that I’m thinking I will leave until May, although I will have to make a stop at Papyrus or some card store before the middle of May.

Because I missed 2 classes of my Lighting course and I wasn’t sure how long I would miss class for I decided to drop the course. I wasn’t happy about it but I know after missing 2 3 hour classes I couldn’t catch up. So, in September I will be able to finally take that Residential Design course. I just want to get it over with but that is the soonest I can take it. I will see what courses they offer but maybe I will do Green Design if it is available — that course interests me a lot.

I also thought I could take an editing course instead at home in spring but it turns out nothing that I have perquisites for is available. So that is disappointing! I wish SFU had something I could take. But oh well I guess I will just have a long summer.

The worst thing about being home and asleep 24-7 was having to cancel plans with friends and A. Sometimes it is difficult to find times to visit people so I am kind of hoping I can replan events with not to much trouble. Also, since my boyfriend A has been home on sick leave from work I’ve seen him about a half hour in 3 weeks and that bothers me when he is actually home that I haven’t been well enough to have a decent conversation with him. I know once he goes back to work it will be 3 weeks on and 1 week off again but all the more reason to see him more now.

But I feel back to normal again and that’s such a relief. Take care everyone and have a good weekend!

Friday Mints

Xyla Mints Yum!
Xyla Mints Yum!

Yesterday, I showed you pictures with short descriptions on beauty and lifestyle items I had received from Luxe box. Was I impressed with all the items I got? Not necessarily. I was expecting more makeup — eye shadow or eye liner — something that I could try out a little more and actually buy again. The Fekkai shampoo and conditioner was average. But I expect more than just shampoo or conditioner samples from a subscription service, the nail Polish was ugly, the primer is good enough to use on my eyes but not my face, the cologne smells great on my boyfriend, and I’ve almost eaten all the Xyla mints they are delicious and gluten free if you’re interested  — they also are the title of this weeks blog, and the headband was a bit small. I’m hoping next season’s is better. Also, I definitely will reserve the good Luxe Boxes with all these cool makeup products for an extra 5 bucks next time. Had I done that this last time I would have had much better products. But live and learn.

So, I’m back on the Gabepentin and am sleeping well. I am going to ask my psychiatrist to let me add a bit more Dexedrine in the middle of the day to improve my concentration for my April Lighting class. I have gone down hill this past year in 2013 health wise in terms of ability to concentrate and do activities so something must have happened but maybe I can get it corrected. Health is difficult I’m finding that I am losing my nurse and could still very much use her to help facilitate issues related to my illness.

But I’m looking forward to Spring and going to a course with students again. I also am looking forward to finding out my marks from

Editing 110 now that I have finished all assignments. I can’t wait to finish another course in summer and do even more editing courses until I can have confidence that I can actually edit some clients work professionally. That’s the second reason I’m doing this Editing Program because I want to edit freelance. The first reason I am doing it is to improve my writing of course. I’m really thinking next in the way of Education for me will be the MFA at UBC in Creative Writing. So, I have to make my writing better too.

So, I’m just hanging out at my boyfriends while he is out for an hour or so. Yesterday he spoiled me again at supper with a beautiful salad and thin steak with mushroom sauce and mushrooms. It tasted wonderful. It is second to last weeks chicken dish. We slept great he was so cuddly last night I was secretly pleased because he’s not usually like that. Maybe it was cold? Everything between us is going great but I’m sure going to miss him when he is gone this summer when he goes home to Morocco.

Myself, I think I may end up going somewhere with airmiles but I’m not sure. My Dad said I could use some of his. And I have a bunch of airmiles saved up as well. But I’m hoping to save mine for Quebec next year maybe with my little brother? And I know there is snow on the ground but I can’t wait for summer festivals and warmth!

Tomorrow I am going out with my boyfriend and his cousin and the cousin’s friend. I am getting my haircut and colored and getting a facial this Wednesday and going to Divergent with my brother. I have to start reading Divergent before the next movie comes out. It is supposed to be fantastic. Any other suggestions of good books to read? I also have some scrapbooking that has been sitting on my desk downstairs forever. Time to work on a special Wedding Album for a friend’s wedding last summer! Plus, I have Montreal and Random pictures. But lately I haven’t taken so many pictures. It’s been disappointing after being scammed out of my DSL camera.

That’s all! Take care! I hope you find your Friday Mints — the sweet little treats in life that get you through the week!

A Week In Time

20140109-144018.jpgI began this past week recovering from an antidepressant called Elavil, and ended the week back on my feet and busy. I woke up early on Thursday to meet with my nurse who I meet with in addition to my psychiatrist. After 5 years I feel we have become friends but she works with EPIC (Early Psychosis Intervention Clinic) and although I began my mood disorder with a psychotic episode, since then I have been fine. I did testing with EPIC and all through the past 5 years my nurse has been there to help me and ease procedures, such as major medication changes that haven’t worked, between my Psychiatrist and I. Goodbye’s are always bittersweet but I am confident I can deal with my Psychiatrist well alone.

But I am seeking someone to talk to and just to help me weather the illness I am experiencing and perhaps suggest ways that I can

do that. My friend who is doing her Master’s in Psychology had suggested before I go see a psychologist but I found that going to see one was quite expensive and beyond my budget. But if I can see a psychologist through the clinic I see my psychiatrist at I think that would work better and it would be free. I just think it would be extra support having learned my Occupational Therapy was ended abruptly last May and now that I no longer have a nurse to talk to, it is something to take into consideration.

But about the good part of the week, A came back after a week of working due to stress. I feel bad that he is having trouble at work but I always miss him so it was great that I could spend almost 2 days with him. I was particularly spoiled when it came to meals. I am trying to diet but dinner at Chianti’s Thursday didn’t lend to me keeping a diet so well. I did the best I could and went for chicken with a mushroom cream sauce with zucchini, carrots, and potatoes. I didn’t eat the potatoes and the chicken was just the right size (about 5 oz) but the sauce was delicious. ( I also managed to catch Scandal, one of my favorite TV shows by Shawnda Rhimes, last night too. I love that show there are always so many twists and turns. Someone important got shot last night and I wonder who, Sirius’ husband or David?)

Anyways, I was spoiled again today when my boyfriend made this yummy chicken dinner. It was sliced chicken on spinach with this vinaigrette (I think) of some kind and the way he spiced the chicken was so tasty. Then he stir fried up some vegetables — zucchini, onions, peppers — and I loved it. It has been my favorite meal he has cooked but he told me not to ask him to make it all the time. But I just might a time or two. I wish I could cook that good. It’s very sexy.

But I was anxious to get home and see how my Nikki dog is doing? She is almost done her 15 days of being on 2 pills of steroids and her paws and legs still have not gone back to normal size. I am worried for her. She is old but not that old and there is not a way to deal with rheumatoid arthritis beyond steroids. She is still not back to her old happy self. I think too because my Dad is away and because I was away 2 days, she gets depressed. She is not used to being alone since I have been home these past few years. She hasn’t been alone since the last year I worked.

In any case, a good week and I will be resting tomorrow, I think, and doing something the other weekend day. Take Care


Say Something Beautiful

Say something beautiful . . . sometimes I think I have been ruined by Romance books because real men don’t talk beautiful, at least the ones I know. Ask them to explain why they like you and its simple words such as your pretty, your patient, your sexy, and there is nothing wrong with these words. But I just don’t think men talk as Christian Grey when he describes his Anastasia and her beauty or even how singers sing about women in songs. In fact, most of us don’t seem to have much poetry in us when it comes to love. But I think that the simple words are good enough because it is the simple words and simple actions that men and women say and do for each other that make us the happiest.

Case in point, My boyfriend A took me on ” a date” a couple of weeks ago and it was special just because he called it “a date, ” he picked me up, and he was interested to hear what I had to say. He wasn’t on the couch looking at Kijiji going “uh huh” but he took the time to actually focus on us and what we were both up to, it was wonderful. We ate dinner and shopped around West Edmonton Mall a bit and I really appreciated the evening.

Everything was going fantastic until he received a bad haircut from some hairstylist at Spasation. I felt bad because I had suggested the salon because I have a membership card that gets me 10% off of products and services at Spasation. Plus, I like the Spasation downtown a lot. They give good massages, and decent haircuts, and wonderful pedicures. But if I’m honest, I go to a place called Chrome to get my hair cut and hilighted because they just do a better job, so I guess it’s my fault and I shouldn’t have sent my boyfriend to the West Edmonton Mall Spasation. I should have said, “Go to Eveline Charles because at least your guaranteed to receive a decent haircut at that salon even though it costs more.” But other than that, it was a good evening and it is a lucky break that men’s hair seems to grow fast because it is so short.

My boyfriend also became a Canadian citizen yesterday. I was proud but sorry I couldn’t be there to see him receive his certificate. He is excited to receive his passport and travel somewhere outside of Canada and Morocco where he is from.  I am hoping I can go with him on vacation but I will have to see. I’m still on a budget, especially at this time of year after Christmas and Boxing Week.

I felt awful for my poor dog Nikki who is an American – Eskimo Terrier. She is 12-years old and we thought she just had arthritis because she ran great distances with family members when she was younger and faster. Then, her paws underneath her elbows and knees (I don’t know what you call them in dogs) began to swell up enormously. She had trouble walking and spent so much time just sleeping downstairs and not even touching her food. The swelling didn’t go away and finally we brought her to the vet and the vet said it could be arthritis or Lyme disease. We got blood tests and it turns out it is not Lyme disease or something with her kidneys (etc.) but she has Rheumatoid Arthritis.

This is a relief because it means my family did not over-run her but it is also upsetting because it is an auto-immune disease, so her immune system is attacking her joints and causing them to inflame. She has to be on steroids when her arthritis acts up, painkillers, and a vet is going to teach us how to do doggy physiotherapy for her. I imagine I will be doing this physiotherapy in the day because she lets me touch her paws and she doesn’t let a lot of other people, even her pack (the rest of the family), touch all of her. But at least we know what she has and can manage it appropriately. I hope that she doesn’t get too arthritic. She comes from dog breeds who both are long living breeds so she could have this for 6 to 8 more years unfortunately.

I am using a new sleep medication called Gabapentine. It works well once you get use to it. I was taking too much melatonin to fall asleep because that was the only medicinal product that worked but now after getting used to Gabapentine and getting over the initial day time tiredness, I love it. I had forgotten how good it is to sleep so deeply and well. Commonly, Gabapentine is used for patients who have seizures to help them sleep deeper but it is more for the drowsy side effect that I am using it. And so far so good. But I haven’t heard anything from my family doctor about the Chronic Fatigue medication yet so hopefully I hear back from him soon, when he gets back from vacation next week.

I want to deal with side effects of the Chronic Fatigue medication you see because I have just received all but my text-book for my Editing 110 course. So far the course looks great! It won’t be to hard but if I finish early, I will start another course. I mailed in the first assignment that is worth 10 % and I have 3 more assignment worth 30 % and a great deal of reading to do in my Study Guide and textbook eventually. The assignments don’t look too hard, but it is only a 100 level course. However, I better not say too much about it being an easy course because I do not want to jinx myself and then not be careful when I am doing my assignments. I need a B- in all of these editing courses I will be doing because that is the requirement to get the certificate. I will take a few courses before I apply to the program, maybe even most of the courses because you can apply anytime for the certificate.

But editing seems quite interesting and I was already learning a lot of material I’d forgotten looking up why certain sentences were grammatically and otherwise incorrect. I have a good deal of experience proofreading and I think it will just be a matter of watching that I am careful to be detailed and learning all those interesting facts about the editing process which will maybe help me publish a book one day, or some articles, or a story or two.

This weekend, I am looking forward to going to lunch with my friend and giving her her Birthday/Christmas present. I saw her lots in the summer but not often since then. We are going to the new Cactus Club downtown. I must make sure to eat healthy as my new sleep medication made me put weight on as I suspected. So it’s back to measuring food and living off of salad. But I will be much more comfortable in my skin when I am 10 lbs down again, so will my clothes lol. I also have to see my boyfriend again as he is up and bring him his new stuff for his apartment. I ordered him some towels (etc.) and items that he needed. And I’m looking forward to receiving my ” New Year’s Present,” but I don’t know what that is so I’m waiting in anticipation.

Take care, that’s all for now!

When I Awoke

Waking up to reality can be a cold splash in the face or a more subtle realization, as if you have been fighting your way through cotton cobwebs that never end and suddenly, you are as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Your entire perception has changed and you are awaking to a world of colour and a place where the rules of reality don’t apply. My friends and I would call this feeling ‘floating in the pink clouds’ or ‘existing in your own bubble.’ Now that I’m here, I would call this place wonderful and enchanting. I would call it a reprieve from reality and my everyday problems. I would equate this place with a profound sense of love, peace, and tranquility although, it isn’t always about these terms. But it is a place I feel grounded and safe, connected to my significant other in a way I have felt with no one and can barely describe. Some people might call this phase untruthful and that it is not how things actually are between couples. But I believe there must be some truth to it as John Donne wrote about the connection among couples being a world unto itself. In The Good Morrow Donne writes ” If ever any beauty I did see, / [w]hich I desired, and got, ’twas but a dream of thee” (6-7). These lines suggest that to the poet that the finding and receiving of the most beautiful things is not nearly equal to finding the person you love. In fact, all good things before the speaker found his love become hazy and obsolete as if the speaker was in a dream before he found his love.

Perhaps, this is an overalls romantic and unrealistic thing to feel, nonetheless, it is something I am experiencing. I think the feeling I get around my boyfriend is rather odd actually and I doubt a lot of my family understand it because of his religion. But we both walked into this relationship knowing it was a practical difference between us and many times I have pondered over it and the reason I love someone who has these beliefs I feel are untrue. But it doesn’t seem to make a difference I just love him more. I have come to believe that no matter our beliefs it is my job to love him throughout this life. And maybe somehow God will allow me to reach Him in ways that just aren’t possible now. I would like to love him forever, but this lifetime is enough if need be. I know loving your first boyfriend can be a laughable ideal. But I am not 18 or 19 years old either. I know we have details to work through and that there will be challenges between us. But I know what I know, that this is real and worth the hardships I probably will endure for it.

I became quite sure of this this past week. It was like I was slowly waking up and the warmth from the sun finally hit me and when I awoke it was into that ethereal world of colour and sharp realization, that I had everything in front of me and was in need of nothing.

Many Words

12-relationship-truthsIt it the brightest sunniest morning I can remember seeing in a long time. Snow sits lightly on the trees sparkling in the sunshine and the ground is about 5 inches deep with snow. It is cold outside, but not that cold for November in Edmonton and I can feel the burn of the wind against my cheek as I step outside to let my dog out and then wait for her by the door while she does her business.

Later, she is snuggled up to me on the couch, an old dilapidated couch that we’ve waited months for the new replacement to arrive, but it hasn’t arrived yet.  Nikki and my knitted blanket make me feel so cozy on the love seat and Nikki refused for a good 10 minutes to let me stop petting her. She is now what we call “tits up” turned into my legs on the seat of the couch and I am sitting here thinking that I just feel the urge to write but I’m not exactly sure what will develop out of my blog today.

I’m having a great day so far. I awoke with energy and slept enough and I was not too tired that I had to go back to bed like some mornings. The sunshine makes the biggest difference. It just hi-lights everything it touches and the sky is the deepest bright country blue I have ever seen. And there are no expectations on me today. I just have the opportunity to write to you, my readers, do some exercise, and if I wish, sort through some of the clothing in my taller dresser.

At the moment I am watching TV, talk shows: Marilyn Denise, Kelly & Michael, followed by The View. It is interesting to learn about the actors behind the movies and TV shows I have watched the night before and the week before. My new favorite show on Sunday’s is Betrayal.

It’s about a 2 people, a man who works for a mob boss and is married to the mob bosses daughter and has 2 teenage kids, and a woman who is married to a public attorney with a little boy. The man and the woman meet at a party one night and subsequently start running into each other and end up having an affair. They love each other, but they also love their spouses and don’t know how their situation will ever work out. The man is a lawyer for the mob boss and was raised by him when his family was killed in a construction accident at one of the mob bosses sites. He was best friends with the mob bosses son TJ who is mentally disabled after a car accident.

TJ ends up accused of his Uncles murder after he is the last person seen with him. But the woman’s husband, the public attorney, even though he is pretty sure TJ did not murder his uncle, uses the event to go after the mob boss and his family and the man (Jack) is the mob bosses head guy at his business. There is a big competition going on between the lady’s public attorney husband and Jack and at the end of the last show he just figured out that his wife is having an affair, and with Jack, his nemesis.  I love it.

My other favorite show is Scandal by Shawnda Rimes but if you are looking for some other excellent TV shows  Grey’s Anatomy, The Vampire Diaries, The Blacklist, Chicago Fire, Once Upon a Time, Revenge, and Grimm are also excellent shows. But I used to never watch TV besides a couple of programs and some Oiler’s games. Now it seems since I require so much time to rest that I have lots of time to watch TV. I also read, but I also used to do that a ton more then I ever watched TV. Now I read, but I cannot do it for as long as I could read before so I guess I watch TV  more instead.

Otherwise, my boyfriend is up in Edmonton this week and I am really looking forward to seeing him so much. It has only been one week because he had a neck injury a week ago, since I have seen him. He is fine now but it’s a treat to see him again so soon.

I am anxious about our future now that we have charted a course for our relationship. Inside I wonder if maybe I am walking intoshutterstock_60504643-1024x682 something without checking out my other options first. But then I think I’ve got the best of all options right here. But I still can’t help thinking that I don’t know what else is out there because this my first real relationship. But then for about 10 years before that, all I found was the odd date or two with some mostly weird guys, A couple of times I found a connection between some guy but often some guy just wanted to mess around with my head.

My boyfriend doesn’t do that to me. We fit, so when I have second thoughts I remember that, the happiness he brings me, and I think there is no one else better out there than my man. But we have challenges ahead and those are what scare me. Every couple does but our challenges are unique across religion and culture. And I would really love it if he could just get along with my mom, dad, and brothers well. He has barely met them so that would really ease a lot of the feelings I am having if that could happen.

Weighing-Scales-1Also, embarking on a second stage in my health crusade, to find the physical reason why I have no energy and other symptoms gives me some sort of hope. And I believe I can be a healthier girlfriend and healthier person just so I can be more involved in my life and give more back to the world. My doctors appointment is the following week after this week for that and I am really hoping I have something such as hypothyroidism that we have just missed before and not Chronic Fatigue. It would be so much more hopeful if there is a way I can start to get better from a lack of energy. But if constant fatigue is what I must expect most of my life than I guess at least I know what I have. Anyways, I don’t want to write about too much health related stuff today. I think I maybe say too much about it.

Otherwise, I can’t wait to get paid, I have almost all my Christmas presents picked out to order. I have found some nice things at The Bay, Sephora, Anthropologie (for me), and I will have to pick something for Azdine maybe with him this weekend. Besides a visit to my favorite store DeVine Wines, then I should be done. I think since I bought a bunch of gift bags and Christmas cards last year I should be even pretty good for those. Well, maybe a few gift bags, tissue paper, and cards and I’ll be good.

Anyways, that’s what’s up. Sorry not too interesting I guess. But I can ramble on a long time no?

Happy Halloween Update

Hey everyone good afternoon!  I just thought I would send out a mini update of how things have gone lately. But first I want to briefly tell you about a couple of blogs that are in the works for me. The first blog I am doing is a Winter Fashion Loves complete with some great pictures of fashion examples I think are key for the Winter Fashion Season. The next blog is a Makeup Foundation Comparison for those with skin that tends to break out and is still sensitive. So, if you have either of these skin types watch for this blog because after trying a few foundations over the last 4-5 months I have narrowed down the best foundations for your skin.

Onto the update: yes me and the boyfriend are great! We had a little tiff and I freaked out and sometimes in relationships a fight can seem as if it is the end of things. Really, when I was able to talk calmly to my boyfriend and we pieced are relationship back together, I realized I was just being silly and we took each other back gladly. He told me I was the girl for him, that he had known that for a while and this was very comforting to hear.

I am not that experienced as relationships go so something I need to learn with my boyfriend and in life is to not make snap decisions and to think problems through. I find when I make rash decisions that I am not always thinking straight and if I leave the situation until the next day I can see the situation clearly, unlike the day before. The danger is that when something is wrong you always want to just deal with it right away but patience is a virtue for a reason.

My next piece of news is that I have reached stability with my mental illness, or rather I’ve been forced to. Going to visit my psychiatrist yesterday I was told there is nothing else she can do for me and that we have tried every drug out there that could help me. Strangely, enough Dexedrine,  a drug I take to focus me, help me pay attention, and concentrate better has the exact opposite effect on me then it does on anybody my doctor has every known. It is used for depression patients, for ADHD, to helping seniors, to focusing pilots flying planes,  and instead of focusing and energizing me,  increasing the dose past 10 mg makes me sick. I have flu-like symptoms and feel very tired instead.

I had the feeling this day was coming, that because I am so sensitive to so many of the drugs I tried that either I cannot tolerate them or I am allergic to them I would reach the day when psychiatry could not help me. But this is good news in away because it means with the exception of the psychotic episode that started my whole illness, the cause of what I am experiencing now is not psychiatric, its physical. Depression or some type of mood disorder maybe something that is a result of this physical disease but it is not why I feel as if I have no energy all the time.

My next step is to go to my family doctor and look at other diseases that could make me greatly fatigued. The biggest contender now, at least in my mind, is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I will have to go through a bunch of testing to confirm this because you can also have fatigue and there can be no known cause, but I seem to fit the profile alarmingly well. First, I have had the fatigue longer than 6 months, probably about 4.5 years; secondly, sleeping does not reduce this fatigue, it is a type of tiredness that is something else entirely; thirdly, of the other symptoms of Chronic Fatigue I have depression,  insomnia proven to not be from a common sleep disorder, daily pain in my shoulders, neck, upper back, and sometimes legs, effects on my short-term memory and concentration, unrefreshing sleep, and often after a day out I feel extremely tired even 24 hours afterwards.

I could be very much wrong in my assumption but it really above anything else seems to fit my symptoms and what I have experienced throughout my ordeal. But maybe there are other explanations, this I will have to leave to my doctor to prove or disprove.

The last thing I wanted to tell you about is that I have decided to try writing for Flurt again. Although I had to stop largely due to my health. I am going to try writing articles – 1 good article when I find a topic I am passionate about. This weeks topic has to do with Obamacare demanding corporations pay for 100% of a woman’s birth control in the US. Should corporations who are often treated such as individuals, be able to deny their women workers this right because their CEO’s are religiously against it? You’ll have to read the article to find out what I thought of the issue in the next couple weeks. Also make sure, to check out Creative Edmonton’s Moustache Gala for Movember Canada at Yellowhead Brewery on November 15, 2013 in Edmonton. The article I did for Flurt on it can be found here:

Thanks for listening, and I hope to have my other blogs out soon!


Breaking Hearts and the Future

Boy and Girl Stress ReliefA curious thing happened last night, my significant other and I had one of the closest evenings of our lives and I realized that not only am I setting myself up for possible heart break with him, I could really break his heart too.

My boyfriend in a whispered moment asked me if I really loved him and I said not in a deep kind of way more like in the beginning of love kind of way. I asked him the same question and he said yes he really loved me, he had for six months now. When I asked him why he never told me he shrugged with a curious dreamy smile and said I don’t know. But I knew, he doesn’t want his heart broken by me the same way I don’t want mine broken by him. Which is why I told him the truth, not some faked up version of I love you, just the truth. I expected the same kind of response from him and was quite surprised that he has loved me as long as he has.

Especially after the issues that have come up between us such as when I thought he was done with me or when I was last mad at him for not making me a priority and actually broke it off, it didn’t occur to me that he loved me the whole time and that I was maybe hurting him. He is always so easy going and indifferent to these little issues I seem to have. Not once has he ever had something about me bother him and said anything about it.

Today I have this fuzzy feeling where my heart is but that fuzzy feeling kind of scares me. The reason it scares me is because there are differences between my boyfriend and I that I am not sure we can overcome. The biggest being our religious differences and our views on  family, or more specifically my family.

Christianity and the Muslim religion have some large differences between them that I am not sure I can overcome. I am a Christian I love God, he is a Muslim he lives Allah and God and Allah are not the same God. Christianity is a religion based on a triune God – God is one God but he has 3 parts: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. All 3 parts are God but are parts of God with different jobs. God’s son Jesus in particular is extremely vital to Christianity because he died on the cross, sacrificing himself for the sins or wrong doings of all people. This meant that people no longer had to sacrifice animals such as they did in the Old Testament to receive forgiveness of sins from God. Now you simply ask and God forgives your sins. Moreover, if you believe in Jesus you can go to Heaven when you die. According to God’s law the only way to do that was to keep the 10 commandments perfectly. But since no one ever has or can do that, God sent Jesus who defeated sin, death, and the devil, so all believers could go to Heaven when they die.

Now what is the difference between the Christian Jesus and the Muslim Jesus? Muslims only believe Jesus is a prophet. Jesus is not God and they do not understand how God can be triune. In fact, when he died on the cross he didn’t really die, Allah replaced him with an imposter and that fake Jesus died and stayed dead. Jesus does not save you in the Muslim religion,  following the will of Allah and his greatest and last prophet Mohammad and his book the Qu’ran will get you into heaven. This is problematic for a Christian who believes only God and his son Jesus can save us from sin, death, and the devil. Nothing we do can get us into heaven because we are incapable as people of following God’s law in the Bible perfectly, that is why we need only believe in Jesus who was not an impostor but true God, and true man when he died.

So, how does a couple function as one with completely different religions? How do you raise a child when you believe raising that child in the other’s religion is wrong? How does your non-Lutheran boyfriend, not even Christian boyfriend, function in your historically Lutheran family? I’m just not sure it’s possible.

Secondly, how do you get married when you want your family to be at your wedding, to love the guy you love, when he just wants to get married in a mosque? Something I could never do, it would be wrong for me. Furthermore, I want God’s blessing on my marriage because let’s face it, marriage is tough enough as it is. I suppose you could do a get away wedding but even then who do you get to preside over the marriage, just a judge? And what about life? You try to live a Christian life based on Christian values but your husband does not share your values?

This is what always stops me when I think of my boyfriend and me? A part of me thinks the right guy would share these important details with me and want to live a life around them. So where does that leave me? Lost.


Relationship Lessons from a Learner

shutterstock_60504643-1024x682 I never really had a boyfriend for a long time. Sure I dated a few guys but mostly I was interested in hanging out with my girls. I never minded being their wing-woman or being left in the background. Occasionally, I met a guy that was nice enough and cute enough that I thought I might like to see him a second time, but those situations never went anywhere rarely.

And for some reason there was a guy or 2 I developed these long-lasting crushes on but nothing seemed to happen with those even though I liked the guy and I knew they liked me. I was terribly shy, especially in University and those guys always turned out to be the guys who needed all the attention and the affirmation that I was girlfriend or dating material from their 20 closest guy pals and girl friends. I just wanted to get to know them first I guess.

But something happened to me after a good while, I stopped being so afraid of guys, being shy and being so picky. I thought about how nice it would be just to let some guy I usually wouldn’t give a chance, have a chance. I thought about all the guys my age out there and started going on online dating sites. I smiled more at cute guys I’d run into and tried to be more friendly to the single male friends of my friend’s boyfriends. I am not sure I accomplished being more outgoing every time because generally when my energy goes I am a walking zombie but I like to think that I learned something from university until that point.

The first lesson I learned was to give guys you normally wouldn’t a chance. It is very important to be attracted to guy but your not perfect and every guy you meet is not going to have every quality or attribute you have on your list and vice versa. The second thing I learned is that a guy who really likes you will not just wave or make time for you when he’s not with his buddies but he’ll actually seek you out and talk to you and when you talk to him he’ll want to talk to you and make an effort even if it’s difficult for one or both of you to talk because of nerves. I think most relationships are awkward at first, even just friendships. But it takes time to build up a data bank in your head of what a person likes, what they do in their time, what their hobbies are, their facial expressions etc.

On the other hand, a guy who gives you that wicked glint of a stare but really doesn’t talk to you, he’s just eye candy and if an effort or two trying to talk to him doesn’t yield much or yields too much, he’s not worth the effort. There are plenty of guys out there who are. 12-relationship-truths

When I met my current boyfriend, he was not what I expected at all. First of all, he wasn’t six foot something like the guys I usually went for and he dressed really well. He was handsome, muscular but not a big guy, not much taller than I. I was nervous but felt immediately comfortable around him and we were holding hands pretty fast. He works out by Fort McMurry so I only see him a few days every few weeks. The most important thing, and difficult thing I am learning with him is to keep the lines of communication open especially in a long distance relationship, I had to train myself and teach him to text me often to just keep in touch just so the presence of him was always in my life and I was in his life. At first, he would leave and I wouldn’t hear barely anything and I would feel this total loss of connection and then he would come back and the connection would be great. This is still an issue we deal with but I have learned communication especially with men who often don’t explain themselves well or don’t like to be held accountable to their whereabouts is vital. My brother’s are the same way.

Another thing I learned from this relationship was to not count my boyfriend out. I really wasn’t sure what was going on at first so I just went for it. We had fun together and when I asked him if he was my boyfriend 4 months or so into our dating he was like ” I guess so…” This felt disappointing. In fact, he tried to break up with me a week later and I convinced him to just give it a shot than I broke up with him. Then he phoned me back a few days later and said he thought we really had something and he wanted to see where it would go. I wasn’t expecting much when I first went out with him, just a few dates, some making out. But then he became my boyfriend and it was pretty thrilling to actually finally have a boyfriend. But I also discovered that relationships are a lot of work, men are a lot of work, and keeping a long distance relationship afloat is even harder.

Yesterday I was ready to end it all. I said I had enough. We had planned to hang out and he was just too busy. I was frustrated. It seemed to me like he was always too busy doing something. Eventually you just have to make a plan with your girlfriend and stick with it as best as you can. Plus, sometimes I can get frustrated because he’s a night person and I’m not. He wants to hang out at night and I’m often ready to go to bed. I like to do stuff in the day, it’s when I’m at my best but he’s usually sleeping sometimes to 3 pm when he is off work.

I thought about what I wanted and what I wanted after a 1 year and 4 months was a loving relationship where my boyfriend thought I was as important as his religion ( or near importance to his religion), family, and job by this point in time. I wanted to be a priority and you make time for priorities.

I think this is also an important issue in relationships making your special person feel loved and wanted, showing them that they are really important to you. You can do this by spending time with them even just doing everyday things like getting groceries. You can pick them up if they don’t drive, that’s one I always appreciate. You can let them help you out in life even though you are an independent person. As the poem goes, “No man is an island…” Everybody needs somebody sometimes. It’s not just a saying but a truth. Why do we have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, and partners in life? Because we need each other, because it’s easier to have someone to depend on, to raise a family with. You can do these things alone but by far it is easier when you make room for someone else and share the load.

After, talking with my boyfriend I think we worked it out. I hope he gets it. And understands that girls just need a lot of reassurance too. Which leads me to my last point, forgiveness is really important in any relationship. Love does not hold grudges and blame. Love lets go and tries to see the best in people not the worst. So I know I haven’t got much experience as the dating world goes but maybe what I learned can help some of you. So you will see what to do before you make the same mistakes I did. Unfortunately I am told experience is always the worst teacher it gives the test first, and the lesson last.