Many Words


12-relationship-truthsIt it the brightest sunniest morning I can remember seeing in a long time. Snow sits lightly on the trees sparkling in the sunshine and the ground is about 5 inches deep with snow. It is cold outside, but not that cold for November in Edmonton and I can feel the burn of the wind against my cheek as I step outside to let my dog out and then wait for her by the door while she does her business.

Later, she is snuggled up to me on the couch, an old dilapidated couch that we’ve waited months for the new replacement to arrive, but it hasn’t arrived yet.  Nikki and my knitted blanket make me feel so cozy on the love seat and Nikki refused for a good 10 minutes to let me stop petting her. She is now what we call “tits up” turned into my legs on the seat of the couch and I am sitting here thinking that I just feel the urge to write but I’m not exactly sure what will develop out of my blog today.

I’m having a great day so far. I awoke with energy and slept enough and I was not too tired that I had to go back to bed like some mornings. The sunshine makes the biggest difference. It just hi-lights everything it touches and the sky is the deepest bright country blue I have ever seen. And there are no expectations on me today. I just have the opportunity to write to you, my readers, do some exercise, and if I wish, sort through some of the clothing in my taller dresser.

At the moment I am watching TV, talk shows: Marilyn Denise, Kelly & Michael, followed by The View. It is interesting to learn about the actors behind the movies and TV shows I have watched the night before and the week before. My new favorite show on Sunday’s is Betrayal.

plusgoogle.com
plusgoogle.com

It’s about a 2 people, a man who works for a mob boss and is married to the mob bosses daughter and has 2 teenage kids, and a woman who is married to a public attorney with a little boy. The man and the woman meet at a party one night and subsequently start running into each other and end up having an affair. They love each other, but they also love their spouses and don’t know how their situation will ever work out. The man is a lawyer for the mob boss and was raised by him when his family was killed in a construction accident at one of the mob bosses sites. He was best friends with the mob bosses son TJ who is mentally disabled after a car accident.

TJ ends up accused of his Uncles murder after he is the last person seen with him. But the woman’s husband, the public attorney, even though he is pretty sure TJ did not murder his uncle, uses the event to go after the mob boss and his family and the man (Jack) is the mob bosses head guy at his business. There is a big competition going on between the lady’s public attorney husband and Jack and at the end of the last show he just figured out that his wife is having an affair, and with Jack, his nemesis.  I love it.

My other favorite show is Scandal by Shawnda Rimes but if you are looking for some other excellent TV shows  Grey’s Anatomy, The Vampire Diaries, The Blacklist, Chicago Fire, Once Upon a Time, Revenge, and Grimm are also excellent shows. But I used to never watch TV besides a couple of programs and some Oiler’s games. Now it seems since I require so much time to rest that I have lots of time to watch TV. I also read, but I also used to do that a ton more then I ever watched TV. Now I read, but I cannot do it for as long as I could read before so I guess I watch TV  more instead.

Otherwise, my boyfriend is up in Edmonton this week and I am really looking forward to seeing him so much. It has only been one week because he had a neck injury a week ago, since I have seen him. He is fine now but it’s a treat to see him again so soon.

I am anxious about our future now that we have charted a course for our relationship. Inside I wonder if maybe I am walking intoshutterstock_60504643-1024x682 something without checking out my other options first. But then I think I’ve got the best of all options right here. But I still can’t help thinking that I don’t know what else is out there because this my first real relationship. But then for about 10 years before that, all I found was the odd date or two with some mostly weird guys, A couple of times I found a connection between some guy but often some guy just wanted to mess around with my head.

My boyfriend doesn’t do that to me. We fit, so when I have second thoughts I remember that, the happiness he brings me, and I think there is no one else better out there than my man. But we have challenges ahead and those are what scare me. Every couple does but our challenges are unique across religion and culture. And I would really love it if he could just get along with my mom, dad, and brothers well. He has barely met them so that would really ease a lot of the feelings I am having if that could happen.

Weighing-Scales-1Also, embarking on a second stage in my health crusade, to find the physical reason why I have no energy and other symptoms gives me some sort of hope. And I believe I can be a healthier girlfriend and healthier person just so I can be more involved in my life and give more back to the world. My doctors appointment is the following week after this week for that and I am really hoping I have something such as hypothyroidism that we have just missed before and not Chronic Fatigue. It would be so much more hopeful if there is a way I can start to get better from a lack of energy. But if constant fatigue is what I must expect most of my life than I guess at least I know what I have. Anyways, I don’t want to write about too much health related stuff today. I think I maybe say too much about it.

Otherwise, I can’t wait to get paid, I have almost all my Christmas presents picked out to order. I have found some nice things at The Bay, Sephora, Anthropologie (for me), and I will have to pick something for Azdine maybe with him this weekend. Besides a visit to my favorite store DeVine Wines, then I should be done. I think since I bought a bunch of gift bags and Christmas cards last year I should be even pretty good for those. Well, maybe a few gift bags, tissue paper, and cards and I’ll be good.

Anyways, that’s what’s up. Sorry not too interesting I guess. But I can ramble on a long time no?

Advertisements

All That I’ve Gained


www.clarionenterprises.com
http://www.clarionenterprises.com

Yesterday’s blog was kind of difficult for me. To admit to the world all my flaws and inabilities as a 28-year-old adult wasn’t easy but last night I was thinking. I thought that mental illness is often talked about so negatively. Often, I and others only talk about the bad experiences we have because of our sickness but you don’t stop living once you get sick. Life becomes harder but you soldier on and get through the tough times and a great number of good things happen between all the difficulties you have to face in life, just as it is for people who are mentally healthy. So today I wanted to share with you the good experiences that have occurred for me since becoming part of the mentally ill, maybe only because I had this health issue.

1. Awareness of Mental Illness – I have become aware of what it is like to be a person with mental illness. Through my experiences I am able to share what it is like with other people what it is to have a mood disorder. This generates sometimes an intense amount of discussion on websites such as Facebook and sometimes in the comment sections of my blogs. I am able to empathize with people who go through mental illness and other illnesses, especially with people who have experiences such as mine. I have also spent a lot of time on the internet researching the symptoms and medications associated with different mental illnesses and learned a lot of facts about those aspects of mental illness. There a lot of things that are common across mental illnesses but there are also certain things that are different. Sometimes, however, it is thought the same pills will help different sicknesses and this is not always the case.

There is also often a misrepresentation of how most mentally ill people are in real life and how they are shown in movies. A movie that was great at showing the truth about mentally ill people was Silver Lining’s Play Book with the gorgeous Bradley Cooper and beautiful Jennifer Lawrence.  But movies that often make it difficult to be a person with mental illness because of how others perceive mentally ill people after watching them are movies such as Shutter Island with Leonardo DiCaprio and Girl Interrupted. That is not to say that cases such as those in the movies do not occur, it’s just that they are the extreme version or a worse scenario of what mentally ill people are truly like.

www.en.wikipedia.org
http://www.en.wikipedia.org

2. I Learned not to be Shy – Sometimes I am quite because I am fatigued or tired and that is often the case, but when I do have energy I have found I am very good at obtaining information about others and what they are experiencing in life. Plus, I am not afraid just to talk to a stranger often anymore. I used to be so shy or assume people were just a bother but now even some weirdo who is hitting on me or some people who others might consider an unsavory character such as homeless person I don’t mind talking to for a few minutes. I just realized that by being shy I was missing out on so much and as hard as it is for me to talk sometimes it’s even harder for other people to talk, especially cute guys and potential friends.

Additionally, somebody who has anxiety or who most people will ignore and not talk to often need to be heard the most and have a lot to say. Just because a stranger is talking to you doesn’t mean they are out to get you are being creepy (some are but not most). Most people just need someone to listen to them and to care about their life. People can be so intrinsically focused that they often forget everyone is experiencing their own personal battles or have their own unique stories and life experiences to share.

3. A Serious Boyfriend and More Great Friends – It has been said that when you are going into a new group of people you should have a gimmick or something that makes you memorable to other people. The fact that I am on disability, write for women’s magazine, and can only take one class a semester, well that makes for great conversation. I start sharing the details of my life and other people are soon ready to share about their lives and I have made some excellent friends this way. Sometimes I’d rather not talk about what my life is actually like but sometimes talking leads to meeting amazing people. After all, a person who does not go to work everyday, cannot be involved in many volunteer activities, and/or fitness activities anymore, needs to learn how to make friends somehow.

So I talk to friends of friends more, talk to random people more, and when it came to wanting to get out their and meet a boyfriend, I even went online to POF and found my wonderful Azdine. And best of all Azdine liked me even though I was sick and is really tolerant and understanding of my illness. He told me in his religion people who are sick are blessed. I doubt he remembers that now but it was a good pick-up line. We have gone out over 1 year and 6 months and we have our ups and downs. At heart, we are homebodies but we get along famously together.20130916-093053.jpg

4. A Closer Relationship to God – When I was first sick, I hallucinated during my psychotic episode that I was in Hell at the Hospital. I dreamed that my parents would be taken away from me eventually because you aren’t allowed to have parents in Hell. I thought the nurses in the hospital were really going to hurt me, and I desperately wanted to not hear voices. I wanted to be able to trust what I heard come out of people’s mouths. I thought God had forgotten me, that I was separated from him eternally and that things would only get worse. Then slowly, as medication began to take effect and I came out of my psychotic episode I remembered the Footsteps poem which states that when we think God is nowhere to be found, he is really carrying us through the bad times in our life.

Later, I realized God was trying to bring me back to Him, closer to Him. You see in my life I hadn’t really been concerned with God as a priority. I cared about drinking and hanging with my friends and I was afraid to share God with the people in my life. Slowly, as I got better I got to the point where I could mention my beliefs to people and not be ashamed to be a Christian. I learned to cast all my worries on God and that through Him I would always be supported because He is so much stronger than any problem I might have. God is the light in the darkest of times, a lamp guiding my feet when I do not know what direction to turn. I may not know exactly where to go or what to do when I face hard times in my life but I know a footstep in front of me and that is all I need.

5. A Closer Relationship With my Family – I never realized how desperately I needed my parents until they tried to leave me at the hospital after the first horrible week I spent there. I hated the Psych Ward and I hated being stuck there and I looked forward to seeing my Mom and my Dad every day for the few hours they would spend with me at night in the hospital. Since then, even though it is tough to live at home I have realized what a blessing my parents and my family are in my life. I did not see my brothers for 3 weeks in hospital and that was a long time, I actually missed them! And when my little brother moved out, he always made and makes time to visit the house or we go and do things together such as see movies, go to the art gallery, and go shopping (etc).

I also realized how important the elderly people in my life were, how their story connected to my story in this life. My Grandma, for instance, I began to talk to earnestly and make an effort to make conversation with her and let her talk about herself. I developed an adult relationship with her. I also stopped saying I would visit, and actually started visiting my God Parent’s mother, my Grandma Reeder, Evelyn.

www.chinese.fluentu.com
http://www.chinese.fluentu.com

Evelyn cooks so much food when I go over there, I always try to bring someone with me so she doesn’t make me eat it all. Her desserts especially are amazing such as uncooked blueberry pie with mounds of whipped cream and home-made trifle. She has so much to say and has experienced so much tragedy in her life. Yet Evelyn has this amazing outlook on how she deals with at life, with much conversation and a smile on her face and Evelyn is in her mid 90’s.

Other people such as my God Parent’s saw how bad I really was when I was sick and I always feel like when I go over to their house I am in my second home. They lost a daughter to depression while I was dealing with my depression. She was in her late 30’s and had just gotten married. She was my family too, when I was first sick she came and talked to me and told me to focus on 3 things in my life to not get so worried about life and just take it day by day, something my mom also tells me to do.

So, it seems as if we lose a lot when we become sick with mental illnesses but it is also important for us all, those who suffer and those who hear our stories, to understand we are many of us still extremely blessed despite our sickness.