Thanks to K.L. Caley from new2writing for hosting #Maydays prompts. I skipped the prompt about geeking out for now. But am going to write about today’s prompt on friendship. My view in my poem today is that even though friendship is excellent, there are times it is frustrating.
I know all my friends are out,
And I’m stuck inside.
I know we’re true adults now,
I still feel left out.
As if I wasn’t living life,
As if I’ve missed so much to time.
Conversations and memories,
I was never privy too.
Maybe I’ll never grow up,
Maybe a job high up isn’t so vital.
I’m making life up as I go,
It’s the best I can do,
I wish sometimes you understood,
It’s extremely difficult for me sometimes,
Not only dealing with what life throws at you,
But trying to work through problems,
Going through a veil, more like a brick wall —
Cancer is killing my friend,
I don’t know if she knows,
How wonderful a friend she is to me,
And I don’t know why but she always,
Floods the room with her beautiful light.
She has cancer and yet,
Her energy level is much better than mine.
I don’t know how to make my best friends understand,
They do, but sometimes,
They don’t see anything at all.
Two hours in, needing to sit down and not move,
Having eaten two pieces of cake,
One I shouldn’t have eaten.
Brought the hostess wine,
Do all the right things to be a gracious guest.
But rarely, do I feel ‘in’ on all the things going on.
I don’t know that feeling anymore,
I’m used to friends talking around me,
My mind fading in and out.
I try to pay attention, all the hours I’m out,
Don’t treat me as a child, like I can’t handle life.
Like I can’t handle honest words and your normal lives,
Mental illness is a bitch and people have little thought,
Of what you’re working past.
People may think things,
At this point I assume my besties understand my battle,
But maybe they don’t understand?
Maybe it’s still a disease people feel uncomfortable about,
Because they’re grown up into adults with jobs.
They have kids and careers,
They’ve the normal life.
I’m at home after years, fighting to have energy,
Writing writing, who picks that as a career?
But my dreams live and drive me forward.
No matter if my story is polished and presentable,
I make myself impeccable.
Nice hair and makeup,
Cute clothes for my size,
Trying to be thin, like most of them,
Pretty as them, but more width to my hips.
Striving for someone to take interest in me,
Not feel I’m doing nothing with my life,
Ask questions about me and be curious,
Just as I am curious about your life.
Don’t talk over me,
I know you all have your own fights,
Cancer the biggest I believe right now.
I wish because of it, you’d understand me more too.
I’m launching myself forward,
But I must move to a slower pace.
I don’t want to lose my best friends,
I don’t want to be the only one who feels,
We need to stay in touch.
An attractive guy would be nice,
A listener, a toucher, a hockey game lover.
I’d love a dog and our own condo,
No debt, and the ability to exercise well.
All these things I want,
With boundless energy,
No more worry about what my friends think of my illness.
Just like them, normal.
I want safety in his touch,
Seeking closeness with him and equality.
Connected to me, he’s not half-treating me,
As of I’m forever a spoiled kid,
Just because I need a ride.
Because I’m not well enough to drive.
Themes that under lie my life at times,
Girls looking above me, raising their noses,
Not knowing I fly in stars and midnight showers of rain.
I have been trying to stay busy as classes have wrapped up for me. The last couple years has ended in spring with me and a bunch of ebooks to read. I am reading Grey the Fifty Shades Grey from Christian’s point of view. I like it because it’s interesting to have his view on Ana and I dislike it for the same reason. At times he is in such awe of Anastasia and wonders how she could have a good effect on him. At other times I just wish he’d keep his perverted dirty mind to himself because unlike Ana’s view of the story, you’re not just seeing a sweet mostly tolerant Christian, your also seeing a dark sometimes gross and misspoken Christian in his thoughts. I’m positive guys are the more perverted sex in real life, in Grey most definitely. What would interest me more was to see what he is thinking when he has changed and decided not to be the dominant but the loving boyfriend who wants to marry Ana. That would share the sweetness of the original books.And I just found out today E.L. James is indeed planning to do Fifty Shades Darker from Christian’s view, so for that I am happy.
It’s Ramadan and I detest it a bit as holy as it is for Muslims. To me this just means forty days where I hardly get to see my boyfriend. And if I do it’s 11:00 pm at night and difficult if not impossible some nights to stay up and see him. Plus, I really do not think it’s healthy that he is not drinking water during the day, especially in hot weather or in his hot apartment. He tells me he is use to it but I still don’t believe that that is healthy.
I have to decide on something new in school. I want to do Creative Writing but an MFA is so expensive. A certificate is expensive so I might as well get the MFA. Editing is just not for me I am not that detailed and I can’t get my marks above or at a seventy. That’s not good for editing. I’m just more of a writer I suppose. But the good news is I have finally found someone at the University of Alberta willing to work with me to finish my last course in Residential Design so I can get that Certificate from home and not have to go to class because I can’t do the night classes. I will be taking History of Furnishings and doing my own studying at home and going in the day to write the exams. Any assignments I will also hand in in the day to the Liberal Studies office. So, that’s something exciting. After, I think I will just look for more writing courses. Simon Fraser University still had some writing courses you could take online but not in their Certificate for Creative Writing. For now, that might be a good idea until I can do my MFA in Creative Writing at UBC.
I’ve also started a new feature on my blog Literary Lion on my blog by I am Smith on Wednesday’s. It’s a 400 word story based on a word prompt. It’s great to have the freedom to write more and if anyone wants to join please check out one of my Literary Lion blogs for the link at the bottom of the page to Laura’s page. This is also means I have a ton more reading to do along with my Tuesday feature Flash Fiction For Aspiring Writers so I will do my best to read all that I can and comment but if I miss you one week I’m sorry.
Also, I am a big fan of Lushproducts. If you love natural products that are lovely for your
skin and hair I encourage you try them. I recently got a purple shampoo (for blond and grey hair) and a great nourishing conditioner. Plus, I don’t think I have ever written to you about their lip scrub so that blog to come as soon as I get around to it as well as a makeup blog of a few odds and ends.
Every 3rd week of the month when A comes up to Edmonton from his job as a cook near Ft. Mcmurrey, I stay over a night or two at his apartment. When I’m at home I always have activities around me that I could be doing but when I am at A’s place I’m never quite sure what to do.
We watch some TV together, talk a bit, and he often cooks supper. I do the dishes and since I get up earlier then him I have time to fully shower and get myself ready for today. Today I cooked myself breakfast (eggs) and offered to cook for him but he had to go off and do an errand. And often I find he just has to take off and do errands and I don’t think he wants me to come with him to do these errands. So I hang out at A’s place and after cleaning up a little I feel useless. I feel as if I should be doing something but I’m not quite sure what to do.
The problem for me is I have never had a long term boyfriend before or a best guy friend so I don’t know what course of action I should take. Should I insist I come with him on at least some of his errands or should I just be content to stay at his apartment. Why I worry about this situation is because I think that how we act about situations such as this now is indicative of how our relationship will be in the future after a longer amount of time or when we are married. Will he want to include me in what he does then or will the situation be such as now, me waiting home like the good little girlfriend. I know he is careful because I have less energy but sometimes I think he doesn’t want to share his life with me.
But I’m really not sure as a couple what is a comfortable amount of each other’s life to share with each other. Shouldn’t we maintain the awesome connection we have on dates at his apartment or my home? I’m not sure. I just know I’m sitting here and I don’t know what to do or how to react to him just leaving me for 2 hours. I know he has stuff to do and that A probably isn’t aware I feel this way but I’m nervous he sees me as useless. That he thinks I can’t take care of myself because I still live at home and have health issues. What do I do? I really don’t know