Poem: “A Lack of Fear.”


Prompt: How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear? Would your life be better or worse than it is now?

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If I never felt fear, so many things would be different. I would have stood up to the girls in high school that were being mean to me.

I would have yelled at the boys in elementary school who called me fat and I would’ve kicked every single one of them so they didn’t call me that word again.

If I wasn’t afraid I would’ve kissed Robert who I liked and spent a trip to a Mexican Orphanage and San Diego when we were seated on the bench at the zoo. I wouldn’t have cared if my Dad had seen. I would’ve kissed fearlessly.

If I wasn’t afraid I would’ve gone home with a guy named John in university; I would have stayed at the bar even though I had a headache; I would have spent the night with him. He was handsome and smart.

If I wasn’t afraid I would have told the first guy I loved exactly what I thought of him. To act like he liked me, to abuse the fact he knew I was in love with him, but to be bored when I talked to him. To not try enough for me. For that I would have yelled at him and asked him at the beginning of third year what his problem was.

If I had no fear, I would have forgotten sooner then I did. I wouldn’t be afraid seeing all those posts with his latest girlfriend accidentally, how much she loves him and the time they spend together. I wouldn’t be jealous because I could never be the one; I will never be his girl. I wouldn’t be sad on their wedding day if I had no fear.

If I was fearless, I wouldn’t have gone to work that day I knew I shouldn’t have gone. The day I feel to pieces at the office because my Dad told me I had to go. I would’ve stayed home and no one would have ever known what I mess I was at the end of that year.

If I had no fear, when I see  ‘I’ in the mall I would confidently go up to him and talk to him when I see him. I wouldn’t be afraid that because last time I saw him I was crying and confused. I would say hello, let him look at what he missed.

If I had no fear I wouldn’t have been afraid when I got sick. I wouldn’t have thought much when I thought I heard people saying bad things about me. I wouldn’t have cared. I wouldn’t have cared that each drug I took made me feel bad.

If I was fearless, I wouldn’t be afraid of tomorrow. That I will get worse again and have an episode or that I will always be chronically fatigued. I wouldn’t fear the future at all. I would trust that everything would work out.

If I wasn’t afraid, I would go out with dates with a lot of guys even though I have a lot of problems. I would sleep with whoever I am attracted to and I wouldn’t care if that was all he wanted or I wanted. I would be like many guys and turn off that part of my brain that cares.

If I had no fear I would travel the world alone. No matter I could only do it half day at a time but I would go and by myself. I wouldn’t care that my parents would be scared or that I was scared inside. Especially when my energy ran out in some place behind the old Iron Curtain.

If I wasn’t afraid I could do so many things. But you see, we have fear for a reason. And even though some of our fears are not reasonable, we made the choices we made and they cannot be undone.

I chose to act how I did in every situation, even when I was in the wrong. But I had fear because it made me think, that somethings aren’t a good idea. Because I have fear I have morals. And I think many things through.

Fear is a good thing in small doses. Or else, I would be skydiving right now.

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©Mandibelle16. All Rights Reserved. 

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Christmas 2015: A Synopsis


merry christmas
http://www.christmaswisheimages.org Merry Christmas
After much preparation Christmas has passed. It always feels as if there is this huge build up and then in a moment, Christmas Eve and Christmas have gone. So, how did you spend yours?

I have been feeling a bit better then I have the last couple of Christmases so I spent time baking these spice cookies we call Christmas Tree Cookies and Chocolate Turtle Squares. Christmas Tree Cookies require baking and then being decorated with colored icing and decorations of little sugar crystals etc. The chocolate turtle squares I was able to swap out the flour and use a Gluten free flour so my Dad could eat them. He did eat them all; they are gone now. My Mom also managed some baking. She made shortbread, brownies, and peanut butter cookies. Not to mention we have a lot of chocolate to eat.

On Christmas Eve, I went to Church with my Mom and Dad. My brother

Christmas Church
http://www.cristmas-edition.blogspot.com Church Nativity Scene
came a bit later in the service. We sang Christmas carols and the pastor had a brief sermon. I haven’t been to church in a long time. It hasn’t been possible for me to wake up early enough on a Sunday that I can get to a Church my Mom or Dad go to. After the service, we went hope and there was snacks and baking. We had mini spring rolls, cheeseball and crackers, some kinds of cream cheese dip, sushi, different kinds of sausages, vegetables, and baking. We drank wine, beer, and soft drinks. After talking and eating, we opened presents. For most of us that meant money, gifts cards, and chocolate. It was nice but my eldest younger brother wasn’t able to make it for the first time so it was a bit weird without him.

Christmas Dinner
http://www.theorganicprepper.ca Christmas Dinner
J (my brother) did make it for Christmas dinner the next day. We had ham, perogies, cabbage rolls, stir fried rice, Ichiban Chinese Noodle Salad, broccoli with cheese sauce, raw vegetables and dip, and baking for dessert. We ate around 1:30 pm. We tend to have early holiday dinners because it is a lot easier to get everything cooked in the day and because a lot of other people have Christmas get-togethers at night.

Boxing day we didn’t do too much. But I have been catching up on some movies that have come out in the last few years that I have wanted to see but I didn’t get the chance to see. So, on Boxing day (and before Christmas) I watched The Avengers: Age of Ultron which is fun and fantastic. The only problem is I think if you haven’t seen the Avengers movie before this one, all three Ironmans, both Thor movies, and both Captain America movies, you might not quite understand everything that is going on. All those movies are intertwined so much it makes it hard for someone to see only one of these Marvel heros movies and understand the entire story.

The same probably goes if you haven’t see the last three X-men movies

X-men Days of Future Past
http://www.truthoncinema.com X-men Days of Future Past
plus the movie about how the X-men began, you wouldn’t understand the fourth X-men Movie Days of Futures Past. But it is my personal opinion it is an excellent movie on it’s own I think. It had a great story line and it fixes all that went wrong in the first three X-men movies. So, the ending is excellent. Also, if you are into the new Star Trek movies, the second one Star Trek: Into Darkness is pretty decent. I am not the hugest Star Trek fan but the Chris Pine who plays Kirk is h0t and the storyline wasn’t too bad either. It was kind of a typical Star Trek movie in what went on. But I think a fan would like it.

kinopoisk.ru
http://www.blogs.indiewire.com The Longest Ride -Scott Eastwood
I also watched a Nicholas Spark’s movie called The Longest Ride. I was pleasantly surprised at how good it was for a Nicholas Spark movie. He hasn’t had many good ones since The Notebook, Dear John,  and a few others. The story was in a way similar to a The Notebook. And the lead handsome guy is played by Clint Eastwood’s son, Scott. He is going to be a good actor I think. He is about thirty-years-old and has the same wrinkles around his eyes that his Dad has.  But he is definitely hotter I think, at a similar age to his Dad. So if you are in the mood, for a good Romance, I recommend The Longest Ride.

I still have some movies on my list: The 4th Transformers movie, Captain America: Winter Soldier, Wolf of Wallstreet, and I think there is another Nicholas Spark’s movie in there too somewhere.  At the theaters I am waiting to see the new Star Wars movie and also a movie called Joy with Jennifer Lawrence. I think I talked about it before.

Tomorrow I am going for a much needed haircut and a gel manicure. I like

Gel Nails French
http://www.gelme.co.uk Gel French Nails
gel nails they look good for a longtime and they’re shiny. But they can be hard on your nails. I used a certain kind of nail polish remover to try to get the remaining Gel polish off my fingernails. It works with Shellac nails so I thought it would work with Gel. It kind of did but damaged my finger nails in the process. The better option if you get gel polish is to simply file the polish off after three or four weeks. It works the best and takes more time but will not damage your nails. I did this on my toes and they were fine after I removed the polish using this method.

Not sure what the New Year’s plans are yet. Was different before because I have always had a boyfriend to spend the last four New Years with. However, it works out I am happy. If I get to sleep that will be good, if I go out for a few hours that will be fun too.  Happy New Year to you all!

New years 2016
http://www.happynewyear2015pictures.net Happy New Year 2016
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©Mandibelle16. All Rights Reserved. 

 

Sunday Photo Fiction: Fans and Hands 


I was sitting drinking cold tea from Starbucks, when you breezed past me. You were confident, hot, and you had these wonderful long fingered hands.

Some women think hands are a weird turn on but there is in my experience a dash of creativity and independent thinking in a man with long fingers. I like the feel of those hands as a guy holds my smaller hand.  I like it when he tangles his hands in my hair as he kisses me.

But look at me, I am dressed in comfy sweat pants and a long sleeve running shirt. I have my ugly Uggs on. There is little make up on my face.

 I had ran out the door earlier in the morning when my roommate had broken my favourite vase. Although, it was only a cheap touristy vase it had been a gift from my Dad in his travels in China so I treasured it. 

But an unexpected event occurred as I drank my cold tea. As I was eating my last bites of honey Greek yogurt and granola you sat down in front of me. 

” Hi I’m Dustin” you said ” Is it okay if I sit with you?”

“Oh, Um, sure that would be great” I managed to reply. 

” So, you’re  Clair Williams. I have read some of your books, they’re really good.”

” Oh how do you know I write books? Who told you who I am?” I felt defensive suddenly. 

” Just I heard you talking to the Barista guy a few times here about your books. So, I bought and read a couple of your books on my iPad. Your stories are interesting. Thoughtful but at the same time lots happens and they are not too girly.”

” Well thanks” I say ” I’m glad you like them. Not all of them are like that some are for teenagers and some are romance. But thanks for reading the books you did. I can get you signed copies if you like? Anyways, what do you do?”

” Oh, I’m a CA (Chartered Accountant.) I have my own company. It’s precise work but I’m good at it. Say, would like to see a hockey game with me tonight the Winnipeg Jets are playing the Edmonton Oilers. There pretty good seats, behind the benches.”

I shriek and Dustin smiles. He laughs. ” I’ll take that as a yes, Clair .” We exchange phone numbers. He’ll pick me up at 6:30 pm. And I have to remember to bring him signed copies of my latest series of novels. 

I’m ready when he comes I have my favourite Christmas present on, my McDavid Oiler’s Jersey. He is supposed to be playing again tonight after being out injured. I couldn’t help but think this would be a beautiful beginning for Dustin and I. Maybe our luck would help Edmonton win. 

  
Thanks to Alastair Forbes for hosting and for the prompt picture. Happy New Year! 

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©Mandibelle16. All Rights Reserved. 

The Thing I Didn’t Understand Then Is That People’s Lives Go On When I’m Not In Them


I can’t see in the mornings. My eyes are so full of eyelashes, my mouth so constantly red. I wake up to a fake sunshine light, the kind that people buy in the desperation of a dark winter, or perhaps they add it to their Amazon carts early in effort to beat back the oncoming…

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kara-nesvig/2015/12/the-thing-i-didnt-understand-then-is-that-peoples-lives-go-on-when-im-not-in-them/

Thoughts on Aging


Prompt: What are your thoughts on aging? How will you stay young at heart as you get older?

When you are young as a child or teenager and even in your twenties, it is difficult to understand aging. As in, you see a picture of someone you know well when they were near your age and it is difficult to see how they came from being a fresh faced handsome young man to a gray-haired face wrinkles from the sun overweight sixty-year-old. It is interesting how a person looks a bit the same in their old pictures, yet completely different. 

The first big age milestone in my life was eighteen because I could drink and buy alcohol in Alberta. My next big birthday was twenty-one because I could legally  drink anywhere in the world, even in Las Vegas and in L.A. My next birthday I remember of being if some significance was age twenty-five. I was still quite sick and not able to do much of anything but I thought it was something to be a quarter of a century old. I was happy with how I looked, my weight wasn’t too bad, and if I had my health I would have chosen to stay twenty-five forever. 

Now I’m thirty-years-old and I suppose the meaningful birthdays come less often after this, nothing of much importance until I am forty. I spent my thirtieth birthday in the hospital. This summer, my Doctor had me come into the hospital to do some major medication changes. I was able to take less of a cocktail of medications and the medication I needed as an antipsychotic would also help me as an antidepressant and a sleeping pill. On my birthday I was still quite new to the medication they put me on but my Mom and my eldest younger brother took me out to lunch to Earls. It was a nice location but I couldn’t have alcohol. Instead I had chocolate Carmel pudding cake for dessert.

I don’t know what to think about aging from now on. I read somewhere that from the years of fifteen to thirty-two years old we should worry about having fun and seeing the world and don’t worry about settling down until after that thirty-second birthday hits. What happens when I am thirty-two and I still don’t have my life together. For me the factor which is always present for me every year I age is my disease. 

To think about a life-time of possibly being depressed and having to deal with constant low energy levels scares me. What happens if I have to take a different medication and I become fatter because each medication of psychiatric drugs I take for awhile seems to add ten pounds? When do other side effects of medication take effect if they ever do?

 Will I shake when I’m old because of them? How will my lack of being able to be physically active effect me? Will it cause me a heart attack? Will it age me quicker? When am I not young and beautiful anymore? 

Will I have a husband, even if I can’t handle kids? Will he love me for another fifty years? Will I ever be able to live on my own? Will I always have no energy? Will it get worse the older I get? What do I do to live when I no longer receive disability payments? Will my brother’s marry and have kids? Will I see them often? Will I drive again? Can I fulfill my dream of writing books if it takes me so long to write? Will my parents grow very old, older then their seventies or eightees? What about my Godparents? What about it all?

Growing old is hard and overwhelming to me. I see old friends and they are happy, in shape, have good careers, have pets, marriages, have kids, and travel. I feel so far away from that way of life. I feel like I’m thirty in my body, but twenty-five in my head and in my life. I don’t know what keeps you young. Maybe, trying to have a positive attitude. Maybe having a life that’s full whatever your situation. But I’m scared. Not of death. But of suffering in life. Of that I don’t want any more. 

But when I wear myself out thinking and worrying I remember the Bible verse written in Matthew 28:20 “… and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Knowing I have God always with me makes growing old not as scary. 

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©Mandibelle16. All Rights Reserved. 

Poem: “A Misconception of Fairytales.”


They teach little girls, someday your prince will come. They teach us when we’re young to wait for our own fairytale and our happily ever after. 

But they never taught us how to make our way until then. They don’t have many fairytales for the modern world. They didn’t teach us what happened after happily ever after. 

Let me tell you precious girl, no one is going to save you; you have to save yourself. While you wait and after. 

No prince or man will save you,whoever he maybe. You must be whole in yourself before you can be with another. You must be your own Prince.

Being two not one, requires sacrifice. And I hate to tell you, the sacrifice can be extensive, large, and expensive. You may find a Prince but he like you he is not perfect.

Maybe your dreams can come true but real fairytales are twisted. Too much Brother’s Grimm in them. They show the horror of an old way of life and give a warning which Disney skips over. 

You have to work hard and through effort, God, money, dreams, and sweat equity, can you build your ideal relationship; which will never be ideal. The same is required of making a life. Life will take from you all it can take. 

And there is always an evil, less obvious then any fairytale you know, people who have no morals, and people who are hurt, disease, pain, and mortality. All these aspects make a fairytale not real — at least not as old Walt Disney wrote.

Today’s woman is self-made and she may not want to marry Prince Charming. She wants a dog/cat and a glass of wine. To hang out with friends. To pay her own way so she can go shopping and look good at her job. 

A modern princess may get what she desires and realize she never knew what she truly wanted. Many modern princesses are spoiled and they don’t understand how to be frugal and live happily. It’s okay to be a princess as a little girl but not when you grow up. Disney fairytales have become myths. 

Save yourself and if you want a prince, you’ll probably have to save him too. Believe in yourself, dance, sing, or whatever a princess may have done but live in today’s world where you’ll survive child birth. And live life with a hefty dose of reality. 

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©Mandibelle16. All Rights Reserved.