Poem: Gone, Gone, Gone.


When the love ran out, we sputtered a bit, breaking up and getting together again just enough that no one could keep score.

And when I finally made the cut that tore, you told me ‘whatever you want’ and I know I hurt you then.

But that was months ago and now you are alright. It seemed fine to me when I was trying to escape, but it hurts a bit because I know you have escaped me too.

And memories assault, you held my hand over every table before the food was served.

You kept me close when we were out at the bar and I couldn’t keep my hands off you.

You found that I was loveable despite being unwell, even when we couldn’t go out as much as you would have liked.

You held me close and we watched TV until it was early morning.

I went to sleep before you, and you went out clubbing, giving up the bed, so you wouldn’t wake me.

You loved me for my family and texted me everyday.

I could tell you everything, and somehow everything was okay,

But those little things, that were terribly big to me, they just weren’t enough to make a match right,

I miss you now, I didn’t before. Now I see, I am alone. Before, I always had you. But I go on because I do, because fairy tales don’t come true.

In real life their are truths we must see, morals and values that match, and a blending of families.

I miss us. But this is life, I move on. There is always a price to be paid and I’ve paid it. Now, I’m outta here. Gone.

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Of Mice and Men


Written for writing 101 Day 4 – but I wrote something else. But if you don’t know me, this explains a lot. 

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry  (John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men.)

I have many plans and many dreams. I don’t know that any of what I dream will come true. It’s sad to not have hope but I’m not hopeless, just a realist. When I graduated with a BA, got my first job, and job promotion,  I felt on top of the world. I felt that my life held so much potential and that anything was possible. But at our high points in life events can go awry. And I fell for many stories, down to a place where all my dreams did not matter because I was consumed by the realities of poor mental health. 

Mental health was something I hadn’t given a thought to before. The realities of mental health are harsh and difficult for others to understand. Mental health difficulties hurt you psychologically, emotionally, and physically. I think for me physical effects are hard to deal with do to constant fatigue. But I have learned I am more then my mental health, I am a person with experience to share. And to tell you that no one is defined by their difficulties, rather that they fought/fight through them. 

I had plans to become a project manager someday for a commercial developer for the place I worked. I was going to take LEED training, and take a Construction Administration Certificate at the University of Alberta. But the 23rd of December 2008 is the last day I ever worked. My mental health has made me so sick that I cannot work; I’m not even well enough to volunteer. 

Soon my challenges were just making it through the day, trying to not sleep all day. I was dreadfully bored stuck at home and not able to do much. I planned an hour reading, watching some TV, scrapbooking, sleeping for two hours, and going for a walk. At first, I tried going to the gym and I even drove there. But I had no energy to exercise and not enough concentration to drive. 

I got a bit better. I enrolled in courses in Residential Design. I am taking the last course for that certificate now. I thought that it would be useful if I ever went back to work. But that hasn’t been an option. I have just been trying to find stability in my health over the last seven years. I became a bit better for a couple years, I was going to classes for three hours once a week and spending three or four hours at home working on my current course. I could often go out and stay out late at night with friends or my ex-boyfriend. I could do an activity for four or five hours in the day. But that didn’t last. 

I was taking a night course and I only made it to five of the thirteen classes. I just couldn’t concentrate and didn’t feel well at night. I spent all of that July depressed and in bed all day. Then, this summer I was in hospital for three weeks adjusting medications. But I still can’t do much for more then two or three hours tops. I feel so tired, I can’t get up much before 11:00 am. And I am a zombie if I do. I have had to give up many plans with friends because it is so difficult to do things at night. 

This was not in my plan. Living with this mental illness was nothing I’d ever imagined. People just shrug it off sometimes like it’s just something that will get better, but it doesn’t. For me it gets worse. I don’t know how to make myself feel better. I deal with insomnia as well. A part of my brain is disconnected and I don’t how to make the neurons function normally. Pills don’t do to much. Psychology doesn’t help. I am waiting for a time when I can have plans again.

When, I think of this quote I think that it really hits the nail on the head. We all have such grand plans and dreams for our lives. And we should never loose hope that we can complete them. But in reality we are not in control. The maker of mice and men has the power to let things occur to us and to protect us. He teaches us and builds us so that we might know what his son Jesus knew hanging on a cross. He brings us closer to him with our trials. And I do not mean to complain, or tell my story until I’m blue in the face. But this is my experience and God and my friends and family bring me peace. And perhaps, not all my plans will go awry and I can help others when their plans do. 

Writing’s On the Wall


“Writing’s on the Wall,”  is the newest James Bond theme song, sung by Sam Smith. It’s an absolutely stunning song. I have a “thing” for James Bond theme songs, you’d be able to tell from my iTunes library of music. I’m not a huge fan of Sam Smith yet, but his voice was so smooth and had that beautiful fluid sound that few singers are able to achieve. Whether Sam was singing “Writing’s on the Wall” using low notes or high notes, he always hit the note and his voice easily moved as the notes formed gracefully from his voice. Sam has that Classic James Bond voice, but I think the song, whoever wrote it, did an exceptional job too.

See the official music video The Writing’s on the Wall here sung by Sam Smith.

Something that struck me before I started to watch Spectre the new James Bond movie, and after, was the use of the words ‘The Writing’s on the Wall.’The last time I remember hearing those words was during Mrs. Keogh’s Social Studies 20 and 30. We studied European history and economics in grades eleven and twelve.  Mrs. Keogh often used the phrase ‘the writing’s on the wall’ to say that for someone something was obvious ( or wasn’t obvious depending on the person) as “imminent”danger. The idiom the ‘writing’s on the wall’ can also mean “the handwriting on the wall” or as the Arabic “mene mene” or “mene mene tekel upharsin.”  The phrase has origins in The Bible in Daniel 5, where Belshazzar was indulging in a drunken revelry and “debased” sacred “temple vessels” by using them as wine goblets. A “disembodied hand” wrote “mene mene tekel upharsin”on the palace wall where Belshazzar was holding this feast.

This  phrase had no meaning to Belshazzar. It literally meant: “‘two minas, a shekel and two parts,'” or “‘number, weighed, divided.'” Belshazzar could not interpret what this phrase actually meant so he sent for Daniel a prophet who was exiled at the time. Daniel interpreted the phrase, which, was an elaborate word play. Each word was a coin and the third word meant “‘Persia.'” Daniel’s interpretation in the book of Daniel in The Bible was the following:

And this the writing that was written, MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN. This the interpretation of the thing:

MENE; God hath numbered thy kingdom, and finished it.

TEKEL; Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting.

PERES; Thy kingdom is divided, and given to the Medes and Persians.

This Bible story in  the book of Daniel is a moral tale that demonstrates that Belshazzar could not see a warning that was “apparent to others because he was engrossed in his own” sinful ways.

Later, the idiom took on a less literal take where writing’s or walls were not actually present. In 1720 for instance, Jonathan Swift used the phrase in his Miscellaneous Poetry:

A baited Banker thus desponds,

From his own Hand foresees his Fall;

They have his Soul who have his Bonds;

‘Tis like the Writing on the Wall.

(www.phrases.org.uk)

In modern times, the Collins English Dictionary defines the phrase ‘the writing’s on the wall’ as a sign or signs of approaching disaster.” Synonyms for the idiom include ill omen, warning, signal, sign, portent, or forewarning. But what does this have to do with James Bond and the latest Bond film with Daniel Craig, Spectre?

Spectre begins with a classic James Bond chase scene in Mexico City. It is the day of the dead or some similar celebration occurring as everyone is dressed as skeletons or wearing a skull mask. The first fight scene is particularly well done when Bond and the guy he is chasing, end up sparing in a helicopter flying over the city. The man being chased and Bond hold onto straps in the helicopter and depending on how the helicopter flies, Bond hangs in midair… But, I won’t ruin the rest of the movie for you.

An entertainment broadcaster on Global News Edmonton, thought that Spectre was not as good a movie as Skyfall. But I would have to disagree. This Daniel Craig Bond movie is my favourite since Casino Royale and it’s really the conclusion of what begins in Casino Royale when Vespa locks herself in the elevator cage so she will drown, and Bond finds out that she was working with enemy since she was captured and tortured. There is a reference to Vespa when Bond finds her interrogation video tape in Spectre.

But does James Bond see’ the writing’s on the wall’ when Vespa dies and throughout each successive Daniel Craig Bond movie? I think he sees this impending disaster that becomes worse with each bad guy he takes on, with each person he loses to death such as Vespa and M. But the bad guy of bad guys is the leader of the organization Spectre who would like to control and share with all countries the secret intelligence of each powerful country around the world, including Britain and MI6. To do this Spectre cause disasters in many countries.

When Bond discovers the organization of Spectre, it’s surprising to him who their leader is, who is greatest enemy is. He knows him well and the movie makes it seem as if this fact should have been obvious to Bond and the audience. Bond didn’t see ‘the writing’s on the wall’ when it came to the leader of Spectre. But Spectre is a James Bond movie and the bad guy never wins. So perhaps, it is the bad guy who doesn’t the see the obvious, ‘the writing’s on the wall,’ for he is only a character with limited prospective, and the audience knows how the movie will turn out: 007 always gets his man.

See a trailer for the new James Bond movie, Spectre here.


Poem: Skin


Want me for more than just sex,

Don’t use me to get that high,

Like me for my mind, my soul, 

Don’t like me just for my behind.

Want me for more than just to get laid,

If you can’t listen to me and care what I say,

Then you might as well, get out of the way.

You might as well go after the last girl you lost.

She’ll go for sex, but maybe not.

Maybe she learned to avoid the game you play.

Looking for that something else, the right guys give away.

No one is perfect, no one is precisely matched.

But I keep my heels and my standards high,

Because I’m a keeper, and I don’t like your vibe.

The disease you may bring, it frightens me.

How many chicks do you do this with?

I don’t mind intimacy, but I don’t like being used.

I’m not built for loving and leaving, 

I wasn’t built with my screws loose.

Some girls like it your way, I’ll leave you for them.

Because unless you like me for me,

We can’t be more then just acquaintances.

But I could be wrong, you could be a good guy.

We’ll see where this goes but you don’t know me.

And intimacy implies a knowing of more than just skin.

Poem: Single 


Hello, nice to meet you, looking for a soulmate?

Why no, that’s to deep, I just wanted sex.

Did we meet online, when our questionnaires matched us?

Those things don’t mean anything, but we both like Netflix and chill.

Great running into you, will you take my number?

Okay, but we have to be careful, my wife can’t know.

There are many reasons people don’t match up,

I could give you hundreds of scenarios, where things were off-beat.

But it’s no wonder you say, why things don’t work for you.

Your skin isn’t perfect, you aren’t completely svelte, and you haven’t

Shaved your legs since last morning now.

You think your kind of boring, that you don’t have a life,

You work at all hours and your cookings abhorrent.

Everybody’s flawed, and that’s the final truth.

If you don’t love your body, how can someone love it too?

If you don’t think your great, someone else might,  just wait.

You can meet any number of people in many different ways,

But you’ll know that someone in a second, wait and see.

You may not experience it now but it’s only because,

Your becoming the person you’re meant to become.

The right person will take you with all of your flaws,

They won’t have a partner their trying to hide,

They won’t be looking only for the night,

You’ll find if you focus on being the best you,

You’ll be so much happier and attract people too.

Nobodies perfect and these things take time.

So, love your family, and your friends, and your pets;

While you wait, for the rest. 

Poem: Fire in the Sky


“Oh misty eye of the mountain below . . . ” words of the song that Tolkien wrote; the desolation of smog made the town burn, and fire reigned in the sky, a dragon’s evil. Or, maybe evil in real-life?

” Fire in the mountain . . .  we see fire burning the trees . . . if we should die, then we’ll all die together and raise a glass of wine, for the last time.”I repeat these phrases in my head. I wonder if Tolkien thought about fire burning lives to pieces in reality. 

You see in life their are many dragons, they put afire everything, the town is like the buildings we put in place to prop up our lives, to live in peace supported. But not even shelter can save us. 

When those supports burn, where are we then, just fodder for smog and his smokey breath. Buildings are wood and wood goes to ash. Where’s that one little spot on the dragon we can hit, a missing scale, a little nick, bring down terror to his knees. 

But in life our dragons are fiercer then smog. They are thin as vapour and kill us with smoke. We cannot see them but we know they are there, an evil dreaming the Devil’s nightmares. If we see them, God give us hope. 

Does good overcome in real life too? Or do we die as dwarves, and Elvan folk do? Do we cry as a woodland creature over our loves? Do we go off to battle to forget our problems? Are we so surrounded and submerged by evil that we cannot see, daylight and peace in the morning breeze?

Do we offer jewels from the sky, to keep us alive? Promises to this and that if only we can keep on fighting; or do we raise that glass of wina and plan to fall today? No strength in us, though strength was what we found when we thought there was none. 

Misty, eye? You look troubled. Do you know the threat in a mountain full of gold? The troubled breath of a mouth of fire? Rage and deception to keep all that’s gathered. Cursed bits of our souls, like cursed bits of gold. Coin upon crown, upon necklace, upon throne. 

What keeps us together while our supports burn? When the coffers are empty, when we have no cheer? Do we sing lovely songs while we die by trial? Do we come to the aid of perfect strangers? Battle makes friends out of enemies. And dragons fall from their places of gold and emeralds. 

They’re are dragons in Paris, a place I’ll see one day. Terrorism brings fire, makes the ancient town burn. One-hundred people fall in a concert venue and more across the city, people held hostage.  A form of Smog, that vindictive evil kills the innocent.

In ‘The Hobbit’ many died, and Bilbo found out that even a Hobbit can do a lot, though he is small. But bodies lie dead where the armies have fought, no invisible ring to save you from a shot. The terror is real, he comes in so close. Not in stories but in real life. Terror from the sky, terror haunts us in real life. 

———

“The Hobbit” JRR Tolkien