I am sitting in this place, stuck within this space; trying to get out and find a burst of energy.
I know I’ll never find it, but it doesn’t stop me from asking for it; that my suffering be taken away.
But I think that the man upstairs, sees more then we’re to know; we struggle with obstacles, and life isn’t fair.
Still, I’ll pray every single night, let me go back to a healthy life; let me work and let me exercise, let me concentrate, and memorize.
But I’m scared to ask for anything, when things get worse, when I ask for it to be better; maybe I shouldn’t ask, just be happy with an imperfect world.
What I want is so small, but would make such a difference to me. I could live a normal life and play on a level playing field with most everyone else.
I could have such empathy for those suffering because I know what it is to be in pain, to not live, while the world around you does.
But instead, I stay at home. I work on another course, and I sleep too much; I try to do some housework and I tire easily with just a bit of exercise; I loved so much to be fit and work my body hard.
Sometimes going out in the day makes me fatigued for a day or two, never mind, the night; I just want a life, I just want to be able to do what many people do.
I want to live out a normal day, in the most normal way; not have my life ruled by a disease; neurons misfiring at synapses.
I don’t know what will make it right, not a medication, only a miracle; so I pray every night, and will always ask to have my energy back, to sleep well, and concentrate all day.
But I’m not sure my prayers will come to fruition because sometimes the answer is “no.” But I just can’t entertain that a God who loves me so, wants me to suffer this way all my life.
I would do so much better if I could be around people, and I could laugh and be myself again; who is this woman, I do not know? My identity is tied to this disease, it’s hard to separate “it” and “me.”
I blame my genes; I guess they’d be responsible for some kind of pain anyways; but not for everything, not for a mental, physical, psychological disease; it haunts me, lives in me, as an unwanted parasite.