There are several ways to bleed all over the place in life. There is bleeding in the truest sense of the word — red blood dripping. But bleeding can be a wonderful thing in painting when certain colours bleed together in the presence of water it can be beautiful in the extreme. But these types of bleeding are not just good and bad in themselves. Sometimes bleeding colours together in painting can ruin the painting but bleeding in the sense of blood can clot your wound together and heal you.
I have spent the past week in hospital. You see when I was 23-years-old I had a psychotic episode. Although that has healed the depression and especially chronic fatigue from this episode or which caused it, or a bleeding cut across my life. After many sleepless nights and increasing a sleep medication called gabapentin I have finally stopped making the cut deeper and will not be taking the medication anymore.
Tonight, I start a drug called clozapine and I’m really scared that it will make the colours of my life bleed together, that I will injure myself. But there’s the chance that I could create beautiful colours and heal wounds through this medication. It is an antipsychotic that will allow me to sleep well and eventually replace a drug called rispirdone and one called bromcriptine.
It’s a bit scary at first staying in hospital, you have to wear the hospital pajama’s for eight hours, sleep in an uncomfortable bed, eat weird food, and you don’t get your stuff in psych until it has all been approved. They keep your phones locked for safety as well as razors or nail clippers or anything you need to plug in. You don’t feel yourself until you get your stuff back, alter your food, take your first shower with your own hair products. Then it’s not so bad.
Though I bled at first I will heal and although things were a mess I can see the way to healing and to a picture of a life with fantastic colours bleeding into each other.
Thanks to I am Smith!