Flash Fiction For Aspiring Writers – A Whisp in the Wind


Can you see her? Gesturing to me and wringing her hands desperately trying to make me understand something. “Well spit it out Bernice,” we always use to tell her and she’d laugh, shrug, and with a giggly sunshiney but quiet voice explain a funny story.

Bernice and I always use to go to the gazebo in our favorite park and talk the situation out when she or I had a problem. The last time she spoke to me she was concerned about my new husband Davey. ” Jackie” she sighed, ” he’s just not right for you. There’s something about him I can’t put my finger on . . . and he hates me, seems threatened by me as your sister.” I shrugged off Bernice’s accusations, although, she had been right that Davey wasn’t for me. 

Bernice doesn’t talk to me anymore or meet me anywhere but at the gazebo. She gestures and flails her hands and I beg her to talk. My sister is a pale ethereal figure who tries to make me understand something. What? I don’t know. Plus, there’s this funny dark bruising around her neck. She won’t explain. It’s as if she’s a ghost. . .

Word Count: 193

  
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14 thoughts on “Flash Fiction For Aspiring Writers – A Whisp in the Wind”

  1. Great story Mandi! I think she is a ghost and he killed her. May I point out somethiing? I know that Americans and British/Canada are very different in some word spelling and this may be one of those words. But in America we spell tries as tries and not as try’s. It may be different in Canada.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No you are right. May I admit I am not the greatest speller in the world lol. And on my iPad there is no spellcheck on WordPress. I also noticed quite and quiet. I’ll have to fix those. Thanks. Glad you enjoyed the story.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh dear, Jackie’s a bit slow, isn’t she? I like your pacing. The first sentence hints at that something’s not right, and when you get to the end, it makes perfect sense. Nicely done!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Awesome story! Her sister is trying so hard to warn her about Davey…hopefully. she will realize it before it’s too late. If he killed her sister , with his temperment she could soon be joining her sister’s world!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I liked the plot twist! But is it okay for me to offer my two cents of writing tips? I would’ve preferred if the ending was not as straightforward. What I mean is instead of telling us directly that ‘it’s as if she’s a ghost.’, you could drop hints instead, which you already done, i.e. ‘ethereal, pale’, ‘cannot meet anywhere else but the gazebo’ & ‘bruising’. It’s just my opinion though, but I think this will make the story more mysterious and it can make the readers wonder about the ending.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s something to consider. But in this particular situation it is a realization the Jackie comes to so it has to be deliberate. I can see how you might prefer being less obvious. It was something I struggled with and decided for this story obvious is better.

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  5. An interesting story. I like the way you ended it with her realisation – I think it works really well. I hope she gets away from Davey before she ends up in the same situation as her sister. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. A well told story, Mandi. From the first line we see that something isn’t right, then the rest of the story plays out. At least by the end Jackie knew the truth about what happened to her sister. What will she do now about her detestable husband, Davey? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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