People are like Windows.

Day 9 – Warmth of Light

The light reflects your perspective.

If you change perspective, it changes what you reflect.

You only have to look in the glass and see

The contortion of reality, luminosity bright.

The Last Few Weeks

The last few weekends I have spent at my boyfriend A’s. He was going to culinary school at NAIT and was just finishing up his first week of 2nd year ( the schooling part for each year is 2 months) when he got the sad news he had missed passing the provincial exam from 1st year by four percent. I think he was pretty disappointed but he can retake the provincial exam in a few weeks and start 2nd year again in May, when he should have been doing 3rd year. 3rd year will have to wait for September. I hurt for him, it’s disappointing when you are extremely good at something such as cooking and the only part you don’t pass is the tricky final exam. Provincial exams always try to trip the student up. I don’t think this is fair, didn’t think it was fair when in high school I did my Diploma exams and some questions weren’t straight forward. But my Dad reminded me just like for me in university, every post-secondary program has it’s hoops to jump through. 

I didn’t find this out until Tuesday, I believe, and immediately, A had to go back to work in Fort McMurray. He’ll be back in 2 weeks but it’s not the same as always having your person there for you. 

I have struggled as of late personally in the relationship. As I’ve said before A is my first boyfriend. In April, despite all our struggles, we will have been together 4 years. We kind of started to talk about marriage a little before and that freaked me right out. I thought of all the time playing the field I’d missed in my twenties due to illness. I looked around a bit and all I found were guys who wanted sex almost immediately. They were not interested in knowing me as much as they wanted that. I made a friend who gave me some good advice that took me too long to understand: when you find someone good, someone who loves you despite all your flaws stick with them. If you love that person, are attracted to that person, don’t let them getaway. 

It was good advice but when A and I had a second conversation about marriage I freaked out again. I began to cry and he held me and I realized what scares me the most about marriage is leaving the only home I’ve ever known. I’m scared. I love my Mom and Dad and am especially close to my Mom and it breaks my heart that I won’t get to see them everyday, that my Mom will be all alone. I’m scared of sacrificing a lifestyle I’ve grown use to. He wants to live simple but I want to shop and buy nice makeup and skincare — guys don’t think about those things they just say you look pretty without any makeup. And I made him promise to take me to church sometimes and it still scares me. How do I plan a wedding? Something small. It’s 2-years away tentatively so no one go congratulating us but as much as I want to move on in my life it’s a ridiculously terrifying thought. 

A made me feel better, said we could take care of each other and I know he knows me from the expressions on my face to the difficulties I face every day with my illness. So, as you can imagine last weekend was difficult but I came home feeling so much better. I’m a little bit excited now. And completely in love and sure that he’s the one for me. Finally, I’m sure.