Music Videos Representing My Week


Prompt: Playlist of the Week
Tell us how your week went by putting together a playlist of five songs that represent it

1. Good Girl – Carrie Underwood
2. Just A Girl – Lady Antebellum
3. Anyway – Martina McBride
4. Yellow Flicker Beat – Lorde
5. Salted Wound – Sia

Music Videos Below (Please go to blogsite to view!)

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Dear Ones and Dark Ones


Dear, you are the center of this dangerous circle.
The compass rests on you, and points to another but who?
Dear, you tried to control your own destiny, as if you had a choice.
But the maker spins the wheel and lands in every slot we ought to go.
Trying to bet at a losing game boy, that’s a sure chance to fail.
Girl, you are his consolation prize, only because he could get what he wants.
But things don’t add up, he only cares about himself.
You are an off shoot a tethered branch on the tree for his convenance.
But does he know that you’re not playing his game anymore.
Does he know you found yourself respect, flow back into you like diamonds retrospect.
The howl, of self-indulgence flowing through the body, freedom from the oddity that’s plagued you.
And snow goes by, blinks light into my eyes, I’m seeing clearly for the first time.
I’m no sad bad song, I am the melody, the creator created carefully.
When I jump off key, he sets me back right, oh how good to flow harmoniously.

You never met me yet, but you stare into my soul, cold selfish eyes.
You want all control, you think it’s funny playing games, playing poker with a pro.
The river is flowing, turning, and churning, my heart is burning for the mistakes I made.
If you developed some morals, some hope for tomorrow, you’d be so much happier.
But your afraid of me, your afraid of what I offer and what I take away.
You’re afraid you might have to care about my feelings.
You’re just waiting for the next one to come along, man child.
I am the breathe of God blowing, he’s set me in place.
I made my mistakes, now I’m flowing, breathing air in outer space.
You’ll never see the laughter, you’ll never see the joy, you’re not a good person
But you could be if you tried in life just a little more.
So you’re heart was broken, so it will mend, but not if you destroy it piece by solid piece.
That beating, that heating of blood, that is the journey of life you feel.
You could be so much more why do you be so little, act so small.

There is hope in the beating of wings, in the crescent of the moon.
When you see in glory, you can see it all.

More than Just A Girl


Barb thought the words as she curled her hair and fixed her dress that night, ” [Kye] you must have come up short tonight. Cause I’m always your consolation prize. Usually I fix my hair put on my coat and show up at your door, but no more … ” No longer would she just be for Kye’s pleasure, no longer would she just be used for sex. No longer would she be a no one. Kye and every other guy would recognize as her as a someone who deserved respect. This would be the the last time she did this for Kye, made herself a whore.

She hummed to herself, “now I know I’m just another one of your Friday nights. But I’m no past time this is going to be the last time just to call. When there’s no where else to fall, just a number left to call in a pretty dress and curls. To you I’m just a girl, to you I’m just a girl. . . ” But she was so much more didn’t anyone else see that. With feminism and equality why did everyone just view her as some bimbo. Why did Kye? Why didn’t he see that she was smart, and worth treating well, as a girlfriend not just a girl to sleep with.

Barb thought to herself, to Kye I’m ” [j]ust a girl. talking through the static. Just a girl, to [him] I’m just dramatic. Just a girl, just a silly little thing. And that’s all [he’s] ever seen, but there’s so much more to me.” I am worth something Barb said aloud to herself. “This is gonna be the last time just to call….” She wasn’t giving in anymore. She had value and if people couldn’t see it she didn’t need to be around them. She could find a nicer guy then Kye. Someone who could love her for her. Someone who viewed her as more then just a girl they could “string along like some old sad song.”

After that one last time at Kye’s, Barb didn’t even bother saying goodbye. She ran out the door with freedom in her lungs, no longer just a girl to some loser. She was now a somebody, a woman.

Just A Girl – Lady Antabellum

When Things Get Busy


One way I have found I have had to function since I first became sick was to actually schedule in rest days into my week. Other people don’t understand this often. They think that if I did something the day before then logically, the next day, I should be restored. But that is not how Chronic Fatigue works. CF works so that you go to sleep but are be never mentally or physically restored. And even restoring yourself to the small levels of energy you have after an event out can take an extra day, even two.
But I have learned how to deal with this. Mostly, I just schedule something every second day and only the odd time do I schedule consecutive days with events.

Lately, I find myself having to squeeze a lot into my days and what I’m doing compared to the average person isn’t that much. Most people are pretty accepting of how I need to function. We can usually both find a day that suits us to meet. But lately, I feel like a crazy person trying to schedule in all the friends I missed seeing over Christmas, blog, start reading for my fiction course, read other books, keep my areas in the house clean, go to appointments, have time for self care, exercise, and schedule in A who is here everyday until the first year of his chef school is done in the next two months or so. Plus, I’m trying to find time to do wedding scrapbooks for a couple friends, not wear myself out, and do all the little things that come up. Maybe this isn’t much to you but for me I’m trying to fit everything I can into like 1/3 of a day because that’s what I can handle.

I use to thrive in a busy environment. And if I couldn’t find something to do I would find something such as the gym, walking the dog, or reading while working full time and going to the gym three days a week. But I loved it and I had boundless amounts of energy to do some things at night and on the weekend. But it’s important that I try not to compete with that person because I’m not her anymore. There has got to be some slowing down btw 23 and 30 anyways. But sometimes I wonder if cramming my days so full was healthy? Maybe it got me to where I am today — chronically fatigued. I’ll never know what truly caused my body to react with such fatigue mentally and physically but there are always little things I wonder if I could have done different. If I could have stopped my synapses on my neurones from misfiring. But I could wonder forever.

For now I just do the best I can and take delight over the little things like my new knee high leather boots that came in today finally. They fit perfectly. Or I value that I will see my friend on Thursday. We’re busy so there’s been time in-between but every time were apart when we see each other again it’s the same as it’s always been — giggles and laughter. Plus, I’m excited for a Writing 201 poetry course. Anyone else taking this? Sign up please it will be fun.

So as busy as I am for me, it’s important to take the time to relax and build up strength because that gets me through the day. Not to mention, having a plethora of things to look forward to. There is only 5 months to Las Vegas that is something in itself.

Canada My Home Soil Grown By Rain


Prompt: Write down the first words that comes to mind when we say . . . home . . . soil . . . rain. Use those words in the title of your post.

When I think of the words home, soil, rain, I think of my country Canada. Canada is my home. I was born here and if God be so willing, I will die here. I am so proud of my country and the things we can accomplish as a nation. Some of the things that come to mind are the Olympic’s in 2010 in Vancouver, in fact, every time we compete in especially the Winter Olympics and our athletes do our country proud. I also think of the work our soldiers have done in places like Afghanistan risking their lives so there might be piece on the soil of other nations.

Canada is the soil, that creates this huge country from coast to coast. When people come home in other countries they kiss the earth and this is what I think of when I relate soil to Canada. Also, our soil grows our plethora of beautiful nature — forests, wetlands, prairies, tundra, even beaches grow our trees and the little bits of nature that form our extensive wilderness.

And I think of rain because rain makes nature grow, rain makes a country grow figuratively. We are a place of peace and growth for own people, for refugees, and for immigrants. Canada is a country made up of hundreds of languages, cultures, and peoples. Not to mention, these people are accepted here. We are not a melting pot like the US we are a multicultural society and figuratively rain grows our country, our people, and in reality the things that take root in our soil.

The Confusion


Confusion enters my bones every time you write to me.
Just a little quip, and you’ll take what you need.
You make me think, what if I just gave in?
Temptation what a horrible mistress you are.
If I just gave in, would it be bliss?
If I broke my promises just for a little bit.
If allowed myself to sin just for a moment.
Would I remember that night for a long long time?
Could I handle the guilt, or would it eat me alive.
Would I be comfortable with you, could I trust you?
The biggest problem is I want to be your friend.
You would douse me in delusion for awhile.
And then let me go, used, and abused.
Now you beg and you beg.
But another day you’d order me away.
Who are you to control me?
I am independent and free and I have my morals.
I hang onto them I do, when you would hold temptation before me
And I would reach out and touch, but to be burned.

A Special Dinner Fairy Tale Style


Prompt: Tell us about something that happened to you in real life last week — but write it in the style of a fairy tale.

Once upon a time there was a Princess. She had cornflower blue eyes, long blond hair, and was most gracious to all that came upon her. That night she was going for supper with a Prince from Morocco. The prince had curly black hair, long eyelashes, and had slayed many a dragon with his fine sword.

The Prince arrived on time and took the beautiful Princess wearing a lovely pink dress sewn by mice, into his carriage. They arrived at the restaurant Earls and The Prince and Princess were lead to the most sumptuous table in the restaurant.

The Princess ordered the most yummiest Sweet Potatoe fries and the Prince Fetticinie Alfredo with Prawns. He wanted to share his meal withe the Princess but he forgot she didn’t eat sea food. The Prince and Princess talked all dinner long, the Prince coaxing many a smile out of the shy Princess.

Finally, the Princesses dessert arrived: chocolate and Vanilla Gelato with candied pecans and salty carmel sauce. The Princess graciously shared with the Prince and when he became full, she ate the rest of the dessert herself making unprincessly little “mmmm” noises that made the Prince jealous. He kept checking to see if the Princess was finally done with her favourite desert.

Then the Prince whisked the Princess away for a couple of pints and raced her home in his carriage before the clock struck midnight. The clock did strike midnight and the Prince looked up after kissing the Princess to find a tiny glass boot with a zipper on the heel. The Princess or girl as we should call her, was long gone and tucked away in her cozy bed. On the floor lay the other glass boot.

The End

Things Are How They Are


It has been a tough two weeks. This week I made a friend who turned out to be a fake and only wanted one thing. It’s understandably difficult for me making friends my age so it was a bit disappointing after all this talking to have the relationship come to nothing. Some people are disappointing but they are who they are I guess.

I struggled withe break up with A. We made up and then broke up again all in the expanse of one week. But I finally feel right again having painfully worked through our issues, this time I hope for good. Nothing worth having is ever easy and I feel that we are both stronger because of our difficulties. I don’t know how many couples break up and get back together a bunch of times, I am told. But I guess this is weird for couples who just stay together to understand. But I feel now our relationship has direction and that A will treat me a lot better. Having him home going to school helps a lot right now. Because sometimes I think distance creates problems between us but I’m told since he takes my good and bad, I too have to accept his good and bad. I think I can work harder at doing that.

I was so busy going to a doctors appointment on Tuesday and then off to Winner’s because I’m really trying to organize the space I call my room. There is still vacuuming, dusting, and organizing to do but I organized my scarves, jewelry, and got a new duvet and cozy flannel sheets with Christmas gift cards. There is so much left to do I wish I could do more at once.

Wednesday was the dentist and I was just exhausted after. And today I ended up staying up too late chatting with said bad friend and was exhausted even more by 2 am when I finally fell asleep. Today I woke up at 11 am and didn’t get much done. I fell down the stairs yesterday and am so bruised up I am moving like an elderly women. I did do my nails. I love bubble gum pink by Quo Orely and got a non chip top coat to help it last on my fingers in the same brand.

I am going to dinner with A tomorrow after his class and that will be so nice. In the day I plan to relax and clean up a few more things in my room. The next week I have to go visit my Great God Mother Evelyn at the hospital and I’m looking forward to some Winter Fest at the U of A with a couple friends.

Cheers all!

Depression Resulting in Chronic Fatigue


I have had some questions come up lately about the disease I suffer from. It’s an extremely difficult disease for people to understand and I have been trying not to write about it but I think I will do a post as a reminder and introduction to people who do not know me.

1. When did you first become ill and why? I was 23.5 years old when I had a full on psychotic episode. I was hearing things, had little control over my emotions, couldn’t concentrate at work, lost weight, felt weird sensations up my arms and legs, and my thoughts were just completely circling in my head in an unhealthy way. The psychotic episode lasted about a month until I came out of the hospital on an anti psychotic drug called Invega. I stopped hearing voices immediately and have never heard anything like that since. I recovered from my episode which we believe was caused by an inherit susceptibility to depression. What I did not recover from was a chronic fatigue caused by the depression.

2. What is chronic fatigue why do you have it? The most basic definition of chronic fatigue is going to sleep and never waking up with a restored amount of energy. This is both physical and mental. Mentally I can only concentrate about 2-2.5 hours in a day and physically I can go out and do an activity for about 3 hours at a time. Chronic fatigue also effects your ability to exercise as I have little energy to do that especially cardiovascular activity, I can maybe do 5 minutes on a low speed on the elliptical that’s it. Unlike the average person whose energy becomes restored the next day mine often isn’t. This is called malaise and it takes a day sometimes two for me not to feel worn out. Also, I must scatter my activities so that I have a day to rest in-between days I go out. Sometimes I can do two days in a row, mostly one day at a time.

3. What have you tried to deal with your illness? I have tried almost every psychiatric drug you can think of and am allergic or unable to take most because they make me ill. I also have insomnia so I see a sleep psychiatrist as well as a psychiatrist. I have seen a naturopath, a rheumatologist, my family doctor, an occupational therapist, and done mental testing. Nothing seems to work except a small number of psychiatric drugs and sleeping pills that only work to a point.

4. What are your limitations? Working because I cannot concentrate or physically work beyond 2-3 hrs, physical exercise to a large degree, sleeping without medication, living on my own, driving, some financial, and social limitations because I do not work with people or cannot do a lot of social activity, many domestic chores, some cooking, and often being around loud noises.

Thanks for reading!