Grandfather, do you know?

Grandfather, your pearl is tarnished, crystallized and shattered.
Do you hear her heart beating, the wings of doves fluttering gone soft.
Her heart is the beat of a techno dance song – hard staccato rhythm to drum with the throngs.
Grandfather, the things they’ve come out with in this world.
Maybe your heart would still be thrumming, but you were ready to go home.
There’s technology so thin and advanced, books we read without feeling the weight of rough paper.
The special effects in movies are more real, and the stories so enthralling.
But I don’t know if the stories compare to Clarence Day’s or Harper Lee’s novels.
I don’t know if there’s a Paul Newman or Audrey Hepburn hiding in the cinema today.
But Grandfather, I know you would say, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
There’s nothing new under Heaven and people make the same mistakes.
In Iraq, in Syria, in Afghanistan — so many places enraptured in war again.
And you’d be in shock just to hear that they want to take God out of ‘ Oh Canada.’

Grandfather, this world is still in ruin like the morning you left it.
And Grandpa I’m in ruin, it’s best for you to know.
Your eldest Grandchild an adult several years became ill, and she’s still fighting a sickness she’ll never win.
Medicine is slow, and the ache of a long tired wretched day felt all the more keenly under illness and you would know.
Grandfather, I guess, you don’t feel a thing.
Because down here we feel pain and up there, there is no such word or feeling.
It’s quite a concept just not to know suffering as innocent as Frost’s lamb.
Knowledge came at such a price Grandpa, Eve and Adam, had little clue what they unleashed upon a world.
All this for an apple or a pomegranate.
Juice pouring down our faces as we each share in the deed.
Spitting seeds out as we munch, the greatest flavour, for a wily wretched bunch.

Grandfather, do you hear my prayers, or do they only ascend to God?
Because I talk to you quite often and wonder if you know us down here?
Is there such a thing as memory in Heaven, or will you not know me until you see me on your plane of existence?
Do you remember tractor rides, gardens, apples, raspberries, hot summer sun, and VBS.
Do you think of left over wedding mints, a pulpit, a large pipe organ, all your sisters and brothers, do you remember where the good goes?
We’re looking for it down here, and I wonder if you could spare us just a little to melt away the density of snow the crowds around our hearts when it’s blowing, snowing, cold?
What do you see when you look down here or do you only experience the present?

Do you know how pearls catch the light in glory, and crack under pressure?
Have you seen those who have come and gone, and forgotten those who have fallen?
What have you seen in your gaze, do you see beyond the eternal realm, touch the sun and stars and everything that ever was, do you know the answer?
We flounder in existence, do you remember you did too, and still another winter comes and I cannot see any wisdom past the ground I walk on.
Grandfather, what you see someday I may know, but now I’m barely energized and wishing hard for sleep.
I cannot find a moment to rest, I wonder if I truly slumber, and I wonder about eternity, a time when time becomes timeless.



Photography101 – Day 20 Triumph

And never did she know such triumph but in the proud stance of the Christmas flowers that told her in one arrangement the fight against nature had not been lost to the snow; something alive did still yet live and thrive in this frozen tundra.



I think to be happy, we must in our hearts be free.
But yet captives are happy with chains and darkness.
I hear them sing in tunes of bliss, yet us who fought for freedom are we really at liberty?
I think to be pleasant, we must also be thankful,
For how can you be happy, if you do not appreciate what you have.
But yet people in Africa starve and have little but shelter, not even their health.
So, I’ve learned that you can have nothing and be pleasant and laugh.
You can have everything in the world and yet have nothing for all you own, so share the little you have.
For some a little is a lot.
I think to be joyful you must be useful and have purpose.
But John Milton told me ” [he] also serves [God] who only stands and waits.”
We must be careful who are master is or we shall be enslaved, by the trappings of a wordly life, someday we must proceed.
We might think we need so much, when we need so little, we need no purpose, when our purpose, is heaven.
We need only wait to be fulfilled and have meaning.
And I thought to be happy, I needed someone, but I’ll tell you the truth there are 2 sides to that card.
Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone, to discuss and have great conversations and hear through another’s eyes.
But sometimes happiness is a quiet day, in a peaceful place.
It’s a time to restore energy and think on the world a bit.
It’s a sanctuary where one can pray and take the time to hear nothing.
Yes, there are many different ways I thought I could be happy.
Many ways I could confess, I thought were the right ways to go.
But all in all, it’s no secret that happiness is not the goal.
Rather, be content and look above, that’s where life begins.
We cannot have happiness without falling into despair.
We cannot find joy if sometimes there is no tears.
We cannot find freedom, if sometimes we are not enslaved.
And we cannot have sanctuary or great conversations, if sometimes we don’t have one or the other.
You see, there are varied ways to look on happiness, but a better way is to think
and love the world for what it is – broken.

Photography101- Day 19 – Double Trouble or Triple

He hit me on the head, was sure my eyes had bled.

The doppleganger image hit me, and it lingered as I fell,

I didn’t know if there were two, or if I saw just one.

But I was sure inside me, that I was seeing double.

Nikki on the Couch
Nikki on the Couch
Nikki on Couch (Lighter)
Nikki on Couch (Lighter)
Oranges 2
Oranges 2
Oranges 3
Oranges 3

Boudoir Photography and A Little Self – Confidence

Why would anyone do Boudoir Photography? Isn’t that more like for your boyfriend or husband? Isn’t it embarrassing posing around in sexy lingerie, especially if you haven’t got the perfect body?
I think those are all questions people like me asked ourselves before checking out Boudoir Photography. Although, I’m sure some places aren’t the classiest about the whole affaire many photographers are and strive for elegant photos of you in your sexy best. Think of a 1950’s bedroom and the luxurious lingerie women wore back then or think of the simple underrated sexiness of slumming it around the house in your boyfriends comfiest jersey and your underwear, except either way you look gorgeous because your hair and makeup have been coiffed voluminously and your cat eyes done perfectly by professionals. Some places even have all women staff to make you  more comfortable and to make you feel more comfortable in your own skin.

And who gets boudoir photography? Women of all shapes and sizes in all kinds of classy outfits. Usually you get to pick about 3 to 4 outfits for an hour or so session. If your like me that was no problem, in fact, it was hard to cut down my choices. I chose a couple bra and panty sets, a couple of corsets, and a silk negligee. I had matching shoes and jewelry for most of my outfits. But actually, the particular photographer I chose had jewelry, shoes, and other outfits to choose from should I change my mind or want to use anything she had brought, from a few participating stores.

The shoot I went to took place in a classy hotel, but many photographers have their own studios for you to choose from. After changing into my first outfit, I was a little nervous because I didn’t know how to pose and I felt a little self conscious about my weight but my worries were soon obliterated. The photographer knew exactly how I should pose and move in the most attractive manner. We used props like a blanket, the bed, the chair, a mirror, and the curtains. And she was constantly showing me how the pictures looked even before she went and subjected them to some photo retouching. I felt great looking at those photos, very self-confident about myself and my body.

Many women go to get Boudoir Photography for their husbands or boyfriends. Although, my boyfriend would like the photos, the real reason I went had nothing to do with him. I was doing this for me. I wanted to be able to say to myself in 50 years look this how I looked when I was young, not to bad eh? I didn’t even want my boyfriend to see the photos at first but they turned out so well that I had to show him and he approved of the classy boudoir photographs my the photographer had taken.

It was an hour and a half session the first time I went so it was long time and we took a lot of pictures in various poses. Later, I was mailed a CD with the best of the photograph’s on the CD and I had 2 photo books made. One photography book I made for me and one for my boyfriend. All in all though it was a confidence booster for me and helped me feel a lot better about a body that had seen about 25 lbs of weight increase in 4 years due to medication and the inability to stay fit. I felt like a sexy bombshell and I knew that if I looked this great under my clothes then with my clothes on I would feel even better.

So, here I am 2 years later, after that fun and renewing experience. I have put on another 12 lbs due to medication and I don’t feel so good about my body. My boyfriend always tells me he loves what he sees but I have decided to try Boudoir Photography again for myself to see how I really look at this stage in my life, almost 30-years-old. I am a bit nervous to see what I will see but I know that I will feel good about what I see after and that the photographer will make look good even if I’m a little chubby now. I have chosen my outfits and I am excited to go, to have my hair and makeup done again and to prove to myself that I am just beautiful as I was 2-years before.

I know I can’t go and get Boudoir Photography every time I gain a little weight. But a place I was planning on going for it had a groupon for a good price and I have heard fantastic things about the company. So I am excited to look sexy under the camera again reaffirm what I already know, I look good skin deep and otherwise.

Photography 101 – Day 17 – Glass

One of the most important things about glass is it’s reflective quality, especially with light. It’s the reason why looking in the mirror has such an appeal. The mirror shows us a reflection of ourselves. Light shimmers in the mirror casting a strange glow. Glass reflects light itself and glass reflects other lights. When we reflect on ourselves what do we see, what do we see in our own reflections? Are we scared to see what is reflected or do we see in our reflections something special?



Photography 101 – Day 16 – Two Lovely Little HedgeHogs

Two lovely little hedgehogs,
Good enough to eat.
Two lovely tiny hedgehogs
Melt on my tongue without a peep.
Two lovely prickly hedgehogs,
Lost their weapons when chocolate covered them.
I really love my hedgehogs – I bite the heads right off them.


Changing Self-Sabotage

With Pictures and Better Wording


I couldn’t help but read an article from called 12 Poisonous Thoughts That Are Sabotaging Your Life, I’m not sure how much credibility I give to articles like this but I found these 12 points to be true in that I could most definitely relate to some of them and knew other people would probably relate to the article the same way I had.

I found three points to be especially true for me regarding other people. They were: 1. Having to high expectations for other people 2. Caring too much what other people thought of me or feeling like I had to prove myself to other people and 3. Thinking that you can change other people. I immediately thought of examples in my life, especially recently, that these three sabotagers could be applied. Most of my frustrations relate to having an illness where I look and am…

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Changing Self-Sabotage

I couldn’t help but read an article from called 12 Poisonous Thoughts That Are Sabotaging Your Life, I’m not sure how much credibility I give to articles like this but I found these 12 points to be true in that I could most definitely relate to some of them and knew other people would probably relate to the article the same way I had.

I found three points to be especially true for me regarding other people. They were: 1. Having to high expectations for other people 2. Caring too much what other people thought of me or feeling like I had to prove myself to other people and 3. Thinking that you can change other people. I immediately thought of examples in my life, especially recently, that these three sabotagers could be applied. Most of my frustrations relate to having an illness where I look and am only  healthy some of the time but that you can’t visibly tell that I am unhealthy the rest of the time. Recently, the events have related to a certain person I call A, my boyfriend.

I most definitely have high expectations for A when it comes to how he treats me and how he deals with my illness. I expect him to keep in contact with every couple of days when he’s out-of-town working and I expect him to talk or text with me everyday when he is here in town. Are these expectations to high? I’m not sure. I don’t think so since communication is key in all relationships.

I also expect A to have conversations with me and not just blow off my texts or chatting since this is one of the main ways we communicate. I have told him that talking really helps me and it  almost ended the entire relationship before because the communication became so bad between us. The sabotaging article would have me believe I’m in the wrong because I have expectations but I counter that with what would happen if I didn’t have expectations? I don’t think what I’m asking qualifies as high expectations for a relationship do you?

What might be high expectations, too high expectations, are the one’s I need him to

know regarding my illness. Specifically, the fact that I can’t go out twice in one day. So, if I spend 3 to 4 hours with my brother watching a movie I can’t go clubbing at night for that amount of time or less at night. I don’t expect him, by this point, to get mad at me because I just am too fatigued to do a second activity after the first, it’s pretty much impossible for me. But people in general have trouble understanding this concept so why should I expect any different from A? Maybe I’m being unreasonable?

I also think sometimes that I think I care too much what other people think of me. I just want to be liked and I want people to care about me the way I care about them. But this isn’t always possible. I know I shouldn’t take situations so personally but when A told me that he didn’t want to talk to me because I decided not to go out with him I cared what he thought. I cared that he felt this was actually a choice he thought I made when really it wasn’t much of a choice for me, I already had plans with my brother. I see my brother less than my boyfriend. And I cared too much that A thought I was making choices and that he didn’t want to talk to me because I wasn’t going out with him.He was having a childish breakdown.

In general, I think I just take things to personally with A and with my friends. I’m always trying to get people to understand why even though I look healthy, I’m not always healthy. Often, I don’t feel good at all and there’s a point I can’t handle things anymore. So, it’s become an obsession, hoping people will just understand why I am the way I am. Why sometimes I just can’t go to that event because it is during a time I am sicker, tired, and have less energy. So I think that I have to just let things slide and realize people aren’t perfect. People say words they shouldn’t, and even I’m not perfect in that department. Maybe I can just be more reasonable regarding caring what people think of me and grow a thicker skin..

And this has a lot to do with knowing that I can’t change other people, only they can change themselves. People can understand you but sometimes they have to want to understand you and step outside their own lives. I can’t change that my boyfriend was jealous I was spending time with my brother and not him. He’s never been close to his siblings they way I’m close to mine. And I’m never going to be able to

change the fact A is just not a planner. He doesn’t often plan ahead and it’s a challenge for him to do that with me because I am a planner. I have to be a planner in order to fit everything especially ‘rest’ into my life. So, I get mad that A makes these last minute plans and expects me to comply and I should just not spend the time worrying that I couldn’t make it to this particular night because I can’t change him. I can’t change the fact he should have made plans earlier with me if he wanted me to go. And I can’t change the fact that I already had plans that day.

It was a fascinating article in many ways and I couldn’t help but find myself relating to it. And maybe I can adjust myself and try to have lower expectations of people, care less what people think of me, and try not to change people but accept them for who they are.