I have had a rough few days, but I suppose anyone ending a long-term relationship feels rough when they first end their relationship. I keep feeling this sinking, half-sick feeling inside me — after 3 years A and I are over and it was my choice.
The worst of what I’m feeling is the guilt but then whenever I go places I start to have flashbacks of when A and were here or like today when I went to A & W with my mom I thought about how this was A’s favourite burger place. Or the look he would give me when I ordered Pepsi because I’ve sworn Pepsi off to many times to count.
There are too many memories with A, good and some bad. But you never realize how much someone is a part of your life until they are no longer in it. At least half a dozen times I’ve caught myself thinking that A would like this, I would like to take my boyfriend here, and then I remember I don’t have a boyfriend anymore; I ended it with A and there are places I am never going to be able to take him to see and things I’m never going to be able to say.
Working someone who was important out of your life is the hardest part about breaking up. Forgetting your routines and the places you liked to go, forgetting looks between you, forgetting everything. But it has only been 2 days since I decided this was the best path for me to take with my life and even though A is up North at work right now, his ghost is all around me. I wouldn’t take the break up back but I didn’t think being the one who did the breaking up would be so painful.
I know he is much worse for ware then I am, after all I broke his heart. But I just got to the point where I didn’t see a future between us. I couldn’t picture myself saying yes when we wanted to get married in a couple years when after a 3 year relationship he was too afraid to meet my family, the most important people in my life. And if I had left it 2 more years until we wanted to get married I still would’ve said no still. “I won’t take you back,” he told me, but you know what I’m okay with that. I wanted to see what and who else is out there because something just didn’t feel quite right. It was that unsettled feeling inside of me that had me wanting to make a change in my life.
I regret hurting him, I regret the damage I did to him because he loved me a lot and I didn’t love him enough, and I regret this sick feeling inside of me. But even though he doesn’t think so, somewhere there’s someone else for me and him. There is so much possibility out there and I think that’s all I was looking for again.