Begging For Freedom


There are many perks to living at home while you or in school or having a place to keep your belongings while you are travelling as a young adult. But there comes a time when I think every girl and guy I know wants or has already left home and now lives on their own or with roommates. I am quite jealous about this ability other people have. In fact, now that my brothers who are both younger then me have moved on their own I very much resent not being able to support myself enough both financially and in doing every day activities necessary to living outside your parents home.

I understand many people may want to live at their parents house with little rent and with little to do but watch TV, do light chores, do a bit of studying or reading, and sleep, but that is not me. When I started working back when I was 23 years old I enjoyed the freedom having your own substantial enough pay cheque gave you. I liked that I could drive but I had no problem taking the bus, and I was planning to move out the January in 2009 when I became Ill with my current depression and chronic fatigue.

It is not that I am unappreciative of my parents goodwill in letting me live at home. In fact, I am extremely grateful because I could not afford to live alone, buy my medications, and all the other little necessities that a girl needs like makeup that won’t make her skin break out, an iPhone , tuition for classes, clothing more than I need it, and being able to get my hair cut and highlighted a few times a year. Some of these things I didn’t realize how much I took for granted until I had to make a budget on what little I could afford while paying down a loan. Yet, I still find I am blessed.

That doesn’t chase away that unmistakeable inner voice that tells me I shouldn’t have to be dealing with certain issues such as having greater privacy. I need a place to put my shoes so I hang them on the back of my door in a shoe holder from Home Sense. Having this shoe holder hanging off my door means that my door never closes all the way so other members of the family are prone to just walking into my space without knocking or thinking twice. It annoys me that at almost 29-years old I am dealing with this still. My bedroom is my one place to go where I can relax and not worry about people talking to when I’m trying to read or when I’m not feeling well at certain times a day due to medication and fatigue.

Also, when I picture myself at home I picture myself being able to earn my keep more than I am able. I think this bothers my parents sometimes but I don’t know maybe they just accept like I do that I do not have much energy left after getting ready in the morning, studying or reading, and a trip out for a few hours once or twice a week. But I feel this constant pressure that I should be cleaning the living room up where I sit more, doing the floors, washing my dishes more than I do, and cleaning my bathroom in one cleanup instead of in pieces at a time. I’m sad to admit I just don’t have energy and it has gotten worse these past 2 years. I think I should be helping grocery shopping and always be able to pick up my medications from Costco but the truth is there are few more exhausting places then Costco even if I’m just going along with someone.

But I want nothing more then to have a good job and build a career, live on my own, be able to contribute more substantial amounts of money to RRSP’s and charity, to build a life, meet new people, and to just have an independence that doesn’t require me to rely on my parents so much. But I know realistically, right now that is not possible but I emphatically wish that someday it will be possible for me. I don’t want a permanent illness and Im not ready to settle for the fact that I may have one. I want to believe that there are ways to cure chronic fatigue and live with depression. I mean, if you do not have hope what do you have? Nothing.

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Luxebox Hawaiian Punch Edition


After trying a couple of makeup subscription boxes I decided to go with Loosebutton’s Luxebox. It only comes 4 times a year so it is financially more acceptable as opposed to Julep Maven’s program that comes every month and it costs about the same per time. The only aspect I do not think is fair about the Luxebox program is to receive the “good” versions of  the Luxebox such the Hawaiian punch Edition you have to pay an extra $6.00. It is completely worth it because you get way more actual makeup and nice items as opposed to random items but I do think you should just be able to pick your box theme and get great items without paying the extra amount of money. Anyways, here is the Summer Edition of the Luxebox:

Crest White Strips - We received 3 plus toothepaste samples. I tried them and they are okay.
Crest White Strips – We received 3 plus toothpaste samples. I tried them and they are okay.
Nexus Color Stay Shampoo, Conditioner, and Pre-wash treatment. I am actually using the shampoo and conditioner right now and plan to do a blog on them. They are awesome but the pre-wash treatment not so much.
Nexus Color Stay Shampoo, Conditioner, and Pre-wash treatment. I am actually using the shampoo and conditioner now and plan to do a blog on them. They are awesome but the pre-wash treatment not so much.
Eslor Introductory Collection including Cleanser, Exfoliater, Soothing Cream, and Mask. I tried the cleanser and exfoliator and broke out majorly the next day so I am a bit afraid to try the cream and mask but we will see...
Eslor Introductory Collection including Cleanser, Exfoliater, Soothing Cream, and Mask. I tried the cleanser and exfoliater and broke out majorly the next day so I am a bit afraid to try the cream and mask but we will see…
Teez Lipstick in Cocktail Shock Pink. It has major moisturizing properties so it feels great on your lips and stays on well but it is a bit bright. I would put on a little bit and mix it with a lighter lip gloss. So far though I am impressed with Teez makeup products.
Teez Lipstick in Cocktail Shock Pink. It has major moisturizing properties so it feels great on your lips and stays on well but it is a bit bright. I would put on a bit and mix it with a lighter lip gloss. So far though I am impressed with Teez makeup products.
Teez Eyeshadow in Beach Glow. It is long lasting and a beautiful eyeshadow. Soft but not to soft. My only complaint is it is a bit pink for me so when I wear it I have to mix it well with other shadows so It goes better with my skin.
Teez Eyeshadow in Beach Glow. It is long-lasting and a beautiful eyeshadow. Soft but too much. My only complaint is it is a bit pink for me so when I wear it I have to mix it well with other shadows so It goes better with my skin tone. Also, I got another pair of tweezers. These are awesome and work well.
My favorite products are these 2: OPI Nicole Hot Pink Nail Polish. Just a nice size little bottle, not too big which is nice because you get sick of one color all the time. It looks fantastic on my toes! And lastly, a wonderful smelling Macadamia Nut Cream fro your your hands.  It smells like coconut and is by KISS. It is awesome and very moisturizing.
My favorite products are these 2: OPI Nicole Hot Pink Nail Polish. Just a nice size little bottle, not too big which is nice because you get sick of one color all the time. It looks fantastic on my toes! And lastly, a wonderful smelling Macadamia Nut Cream for your hands. It smells like coconut and is by KISS. It is awesome and very moisturizing.

For more information on getting your own Luxebox go to http://www.loosebutton.com

Father’s Day Weekend and Surprise Everything is Fine with A


20140310-185615.jpgHey all! I spent most of the weekend reading different books and celebrating Father’s Day with my family. We had a BBQ on Sunday and both my brothers came, my brother’s friend, and my Grandma and we had a great supper.

We always get these great marinated steaks from M&M’s and they are marinated in Teriyaki and spices. You can get other flavours too but I think Teryaki is the preferred flavor in our house. We had vegetables marinated in some sort of salad dressing and done on the BBQ and then my mom made a strawberry and spinach salad with toasted pecans, and oranges. We also had pineapple beans which are delicious you can find the Recipe in a Companies Coming cook book. It includes molasses, bacon, onion, mustard, brown beans canned, and pineapple chunks.  So it was a yummy meal but a big one.  We topped it off with an Edmonton Eskimos ice cream cake from DQ. My Dad is gluten intolerant so that’s the kind of cake he can have. His favorite team is the Saskatchewan Roughriders though and they didn’t have any of those cakes — oh well!

A is off tomorrow so it looks like I will be spending some time with him this week. Maybe

www.couples.4ever.eu
http://www.couples.4ever.eu

hang out in the week and go to a farmer’s market either on Whyte Ave or in Downtown on Saturday. They are both great! I think he will really like it because he is a cook and will appreciate all the farm fresh produce etc. Plus, there is all the interesting goods at a farmer’s markets — wine, baked goods, clothes, dog treats, and so much more.

And if you are a bit confused about why I am still doing stuff with A after I broke it off with him well, we got back together. I think I have tried to break it off 2 or 3 times with him only to realize that he is who I want to be with now and that I often forget that he can’t read my mind and I need to talk things through with him before I start getting so angry that I say ” It’s over!” I was upset that after 3 years he hadn’t met my parents and this is a big thing but he is very shy and I just should have told him that it’s time you need to meet them. He is happy to comply. I’m not sure how my family will take it after I was so sure about this breakup but I think once they meet him they will really like him. Plus, there is the fact that even though I try to tell myself I don’t love him, I really do. And to me that is obvious.

It must be confusing for my friends who read this blog and my family but I promise to stop jumping the gun and Facebooking about breakups because honestly sometimes I just have to stop being emotional and think and talk and work through stuff but I don’t think everyone needs to know about that process. So I’ll stop doing that I hope. But things are good again so that’s what matters.

www.thebay.ca
http://www.thebay.ca

I am also excited to maybe take a shopping trip to Kingsway this week. I  have to get my Mom and brother presents and I need to pick up a few things. but I’m tired of going downtown so I will go to Kingsway instead.

Hope you all had a good Father’s Day Weekend.

 

 

 

Alterna Bamboo Hair Products


www.sephora.ca
http://www.sephora.ca

1. Bamboo Smooth Anti-Breakage Thermal Protectant Spray ($28.50 –  What I love about this product is that you only need a very little to put in shoulder length hair and it not only makes your hair so it will not be frizzy or fly away but it is also an excellent styling spray so that if you want a bit of volume in your hair this is an effective Thermal Protectant Spray to buy.

A great aspect of Alterna products, particularly, the Bamboo products, are that they are good for your hair because they are without harmful chemicals such as Parabens, Sulfates, Synthetic Dyes, Phthalates, GMOs, and Triclosan. The ingredients are fair trade complaint, eco-certified, and certified organic. Not only that but the product is guaranteed to prevent hair breakage by 87% (Sephora.ca). I really enjoy using this product and find it lasts a long time and is completely worth the price. By far one of the best thermal protectants I have used.

2. Bamboo Abundant Volume Shampoo ($25.50) – Not only is this Shampoo like the

www.sephora.ca
http://www.sephora.ca

thermal protectant, environmentally friendly and free of some not so safe products for your hair, but it does a decent job as a shampoo. It lasted me about a month and I like how there is just a hole in the top of the bottle where you can squeeze the shampoo out of. My hair felt very clean after using this shampoo but my only complaint is that for my hair, this shampoo is a bit drying. I’m use to and my hair usually needs shampoo that is very moisturizing and this didn’t have enough moisture inside of it. I would use it again but not all the time. I think I will stick with Bedhead Damage Control Shampoo or Bedhead for Blonds. Although, I do have another shampoo and conditioner to report on after I have used it coming next month.

www.sephora.ca
http://www.sephora.ca

3. Bamboo Abundant Volume Conditioner ($25.50) –  The conditioner for this Bamboo brand was actually a little better than the shampoo. Although, I did find that I needed to use more conditioner in my hair than shampoo. The conditioner moisturized fairly well and my hair felt soft after using the conditioner but even so my hair did not quite feel that it had been moisturized enough. After using both the shampoo and conditioner I felt that I needed more conditioner in my hair, possibly a thicker conditioner, so I was a bit disappointed with both the shampoo and conditioner over all.

Retreat


What’s my reason to appease him?
He is only human but inside him lies a heart that beats
Even as my own cries against him “retreat.”
I couldn’t tell you the reason for it, better then I could tell him.
Billy Joel sang, ” She’ll do as she pleases, she’s nobodies fool.”
And ” She can’t be convicted she’s earned her degree.”
To describe that a woman’s reasons are purely her own.
I need please no one…

But I can’t convince him to stop loving me, I might break him and I’d be responsible.
He’s fighting for us, but I don’t see why he fights for a girl who has ran again and again.
I don’t think it’s a good idea, but he’s pulling me in spiced words on his lips
“This could be our future, I have made these plans.”
But what am I losing if I give in.
The heart of rebellion speaks freely through me:
” I am a woman and I’ll state my case, I came when I wanted, I’ll leave when I choose, if you see me again it’s my liberty I’ll lose.”
But he travels where he wishes in paths with his voice, telling me all things that I should want to hear.
He is fighting for love, I’m fighting to forget, I’m fighting to get loose, I’m fighting a threat?
Set me free into the sunset that I might choose my own happy ending.

I could go on if I wish, and leave things as they always are
I could be grateful that some guy chose to love me at all.
But he doesn’t see it, and he doesn’t get it, what good is his love if I don’t return it.
There are many kinds of love and he doesn’t see the frailty of ours,
Well I’m not sure it’s so thick, I think it might be plastic —
And you can’t tell me my intuition is off, love isn’t all you need.
And I could be free to start from scratch build my own life, or I could be trapped
But he won’t give in, he just doesn’t get it.
I’ve moved down the path and I’m in the rabbit hole, If I come out now I could get foxed.
I just need a lot of time to think. I just need time away
Maybe then I’ll go shooting black, but maybe I just need time to grow and become the person I need to become – more then nice, a falcon with beating wings of black to fly, with talons to let go and rip a part, and rapid cold eye to see wisdom and what it provides.

All Good Things Come To an End


I have had a rough few days, but I suppose anyone ending a long-term relationship feels rough when they first end their relationship. I keep feeling this sinking, half-sick feeling inside me — after 3 years A and I are over and it was my choice.

The worst of what I’m feeling is the guilt but then whenever I go places I start to have flashbacks of when A and were here or like today when I went to A & W with my mom I thought about how this was A’s favourite burger place. Or the look he would give me when I ordered Pepsi because I’ve sworn Pepsi off to many times to count.

There are too many memories with A, good and some bad. But you never realize how much someone is a part of your life until they are no longer in it. At least half a dozen times I’ve caught myself thinking that A would like this, I would like to take my boyfriend here, and then I remember I don’t have a boyfriend anymore; I ended it with A and there are places I am never going to be able to take him to see and things I’m never going to be able to say.

Working someone who was important out of your life is the hardest part about breaking up. Forgetting your routines and the places you liked to go, forgetting looks between you, forgetting everything. But it has only been 2 days since I decided this was the best path for me to take with my life and even though A is up North at work right now, his ghost is all around me. I wouldn’t take the break up back but I didn’t think being the one who did the breaking up would be so painful.

I know he is much worse for ware then I am, after all I broke his heart. But I just got to the point where I didn’t see a future between us. I couldn’t picture myself saying yes when we wanted to get married in a couple years when after a 3 year relationship he was too afraid to meet my family, the most important people in my life. And if I had left it 2 more years until we wanted to get married I still would’ve said no still. “I won’t take you back,” he told me, but you know what I’m okay with that. I wanted to see what and who else is out there because something just didn’t feel quite right. It was that unsettled feeling inside of me that had me wanting to make a change in my life.

I regret hurting him, I regret the damage I did to him because he loved me a lot and I didn’t love him enough, and I regret this sick feeling inside of me. But even though he doesn’t think so, somewhere there’s someone else for me and him. There is so much possibility out there and I think that’s all I was looking for again.