I’ve had a variety of ideas lately, mostly ideas that I don’t think have been productive and have been sad and lost. I think that would describe me for the last while as well: “sad” and “lost” and “unproductive.” I’ve been searching for something in my life and although I feel much better about the situation in my life I’m still searching. The thing that I’ve been searching for is change. Have you ever felt like that, that you just needed to alter the path you were going down in life? But that you needed help to make that change?
I spoke to you last blog about feeling trapped and feeling as if I had no where to turn. I often feel that way about my health. The fact that it is not only a mood disorder but that it is or involves chronic fatigue makes it a very difficult disease to deal with. Not only am I limited by not being able to work drive, or often, take the bus but I am limited on how long I can do activities, how long I need to rest after doing an activity, the easiness in which I can make new friends, and the amount of money I can make, and the ease by which I can sleep, and feel rested. And lately as I’ve said it has felt worse trying to concentrate and pay attention, trying to stay up later at night, and getting out of the house during the week.
Sorry if that is repeat for any regular readers but what I’m trying to get across is I had no idea how much a disease can limit you and I don’t know if it is possible but I pray that one day I can alter the path this disease has taken me down. That I can go back to being a woman who fills her days with work, activity, and people.
Lately, I have had dreams to travel to Europe. To see Britain, France, Italy, and Greece. And I don’t know how I would do that in this state. I dream about being able to save enough money and just taking off to see these places and having the energy to last a day, to meet and talk with new people, to handle crowds and noises, and to just get away from the reality of life. I think we all do that, dream.
When I picture the life that I have I am not ungrateful, I just wish for more freedom and the ability to handle more responsibility. The ability to be brave and change the outlook of my life. I have such a small view finder of what life is right now and it’s hard not just to see and black and white, to only live through stories. And I wonder so much what if. . . because to look at reality can be very limiting and I’ve always been more of a big picture person.
So what do you think? If you could change your life in some big way, what would you do?