Recently, I have thought about where I am in life and considering the plans I used to
have for when I was almost 29-years old. I know I have utterly failed at being the person I wanted to be in life. I was hoping that when I put this blog together that I would be okay with this. That I would not feel utterly trapped in my current situation meaning that I would be able to achieve what I wanted to achieve; that would have transitioned from student to young professional; that I would have grown up finally and for the most part be able to take care of myself.
I wish I had answers for you, that I could tell you if you are feeling this way in life that you are able to get yourself out of this path you are suffering on. But I can’t, because as much as much as being adult is about achieving your dreams, sometimes it is about enduring a situation that doesn’t make you happy, that often makes you miserable; this is a difficult path to endure.
For the first time in my life I am searching for answers to my problems, to health problems, financial problems, an inability to make new friends, and a variety of problems caused by my health problems. But I can’t find any answers to my problems.
I have tried for almost 5 years nearly to solve my problems but alone or even with help I cannot solve my problems; I am stuck.
I am not writing this blog to complain, nor to give up. More so, I am wondering if this is how everyone feels at times? And what you did to see yourself through to the other side of your difficulties? I think that if I could solve some of my health problems it would solve a great deal of my other problems.
But I am tired of pills that don’t help and just make me feel sicker; I am tired of having a body that hurts often painfully from medication; I’m tired of being too fatigued to even walk, or feeling exhausted after 15 minutes of light weight lifting and sore for a week later; I am tired of being the friend to some friends who do not make an effort and I am the one who always has to make the effort to connect – sometimes I wonder why I even try but then I remember I could have even fewer friends; I am tired of being stuck inside with nothing to do because I cannot concentrate on anything but TV or a book; I’m tired of not sleeping because my Meds for insomnia have started not to work again; and I’m tired of being exhausted for 2 days after going to the mall for 3 to 4 hours or doing activity for that length of time. I’m so tired and wonder how I can face years more of this.
I try to tell myself that it could still get better, that there is always hope, but I’m starting not to believe that anymore. I feel doors being closed, windows being sealed off, and I know other people suffer often more, but I don’t know how to see past my suffering anymore. Empathy is important, compassion is important but I feel so inside myself and cut off people. Like I’m just passing time and will continue passing time existing but doing little else. Where is God in all of this? For once, I cannot find Him. And that scares me the most.
I need hope. We all need hope to survive times where we feel empty. And when I think of carrying on I think of God who inspired Paul to write when he had a ” thorn,” an untold problem in his life. And God answered Paul, ” My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Or I think of the last line of John Milton’s poem On His Blindness “They also serve, who only stand and wait.” And I do not find reassurance in these lines lately. And I know it is my human fallibility that I have lost my understanding, that I have lost hope. But I think I will take a walk today. The weather is very nice and maybe a walk throughout creation will inspire in me, that life again is worth the suffering and sacred in itself.