It’s taken me a while to come up for something interesting enough to write for my blog lately. I suppose I have writer’s block or maybe I have just been bored, I’m not sure. But I have a book review for you and then I will have some beauty products sometime soon to tell you about.
Recently, I have read a lot. I read the Divergent series of course and I also read the Hush Hush series of books (there are 4 books in this set). It’s by Becca Fitzpatrick, a teen series but Hollywood is making it into a movie where Rob Pattinson, Ian Somerhaulder, and Theo James are all up for the part of the main love interest named Patch. I feel Ian Somerhaulder suits the role best but he is a little old I think since the love interest, a fallen angel, falls in love with a teenage girl name Nora who is 16 years old at the start of the series. He just doesn’t look like he could pull off a High School student anymore but I am thinking Theo James who is 5 years younger would be able to do the role and possibly look like a high school student whose failed a few times. Both have that dark and mysterious thing going on from earlier roles they’ve played so I suppose either guy could do the job well. I’m just not a Rob Pattinson fan so that’s why I never picked him.
The first book is called Hush Hush and is about Nora who is forced to become biology partners with the enigmatic and attractive Patch. But Patch knows things about Nora that she’s never told him and seems to be able to speak to Nora inside her head. She also experiences situations that seem like they are real around Patch (and in general) but aren’t necessarily. We soon find out the real reason Patch is after Nora and it’s not just because she is pretty. Patch is a fallen angel who could get what he always dreamed, become human, by sacrificing Nora but everything changes when Patch falls in love with Nora.
The other 3 books in the series are also quiet good they are: Crescendo, Silence,and Finale. I think it will be an interesting series of books to be made into movies with nothing too complicated happening supernaturally or otherwise. Also, I am reading some other series’ right now and should have some more book reviews for you to read later on.
Otherwise, I had coffee and spent time with some friends this past while. My boyfriend, I was able to see for a couple of days and just relax with. Today I had some errands to do and I am looking forward to a rendition of Sleeping Beauty onscreen called Maleficante. Angelina Jolie looks like she did a fantastic job acting in this movie and it seems to follow the classic Disney version of Sleeping Beauty, at least in the clips I’ve seen.
I’ve had a variety of ideas lately, mostly ideas that I don’t think have been productive and have been sad and lost. I think that would describe me for the last while as well: “sad” and “lost” and “unproductive.” I’ve been searching for something in my life and although I feel much better about the situation in my life I’m still searching. The thing that I’ve been searching for is change. Have you ever felt like that, that you just needed to alter the path you were going down in life? But that you needed help to make that change?
I spoke to you last blog about feeling trapped and feeling as if I had no where to turn. I often feel that way about my health. The fact that it is not only a mood disorder but that it is or involves chronic fatigue makes it a very difficult disease to deal with. Not only am I limited by not being able to work drive, or often, take the bus but I am limited on how long I can do activities, how long I need to rest after doing an activity, the easiness in which I can make new friends, and the amount of money I can make, and the ease by which I can sleep, and feel rested. And lately as I’ve said it has felt worse trying to concentrate and pay attention, trying to stay up later at night, and getting out of the house during the week.
Sorry if that is repeat for any regular readers but what I’m trying to get across is I had no idea how much a disease can limit you and I don’t know if it is possible but I pray that one day I can alter the path this disease has taken me down. That I can go back to being a woman who fills her days with work, activity, and people.
Lately, I have had dreams to travel to Europe. To see Britain, France, Italy, and Greece. And I don’t know how I would do that in this state. I dream about being able to save enough money and just taking off to see these places and having the energy to last a day, to meet and talk with new people, to handle crowds and noises, and to just get away from the reality of life. I think we all do that, dream.
When I picture the life that I have I am not ungrateful, I just wish for more freedom and the ability to handle more responsibility. The ability to be brave and change the outlook of my life. I have such a small view finder of what life is right now and it’s hard not just to see and black and white, to only live through stories. And I wonder so much what if. . . because to look at reality can be very limiting and I’ve always been more of a big picture person.
So what do you think? If you could change your life in some big way, what would you do?
Recently, I have thought about where I am in life and considering the plans I used to
have for when I was almost 29-years old. I know I have utterly failed at being the person I wanted to be in life. I was hoping that when I put this blog together that I would be okay with this. That I would not feel utterly trapped in my current situation meaning that I would be able to achieve what I wanted to achieve; that would have transitioned from student to young professional; that I would have grown up finally and for the most part be able to take care of myself.
I wish I had answers for you, that I could tell you if you are feeling this way in life that you are able to get yourself out of this path you are suffering on. But I can’t, because as much as much as being adult is about achieving your dreams, sometimes it is about enduring a situation that doesn’t make you happy, that often makes you miserable; this is a difficult path to endure.
For the first time in my life I am searching for answers to my problems, to health problems, financial problems, an inability to make new friends, and a variety of problems caused by my health problems. But I can’t find any answers to my problems.
I have tried for almost 5 years nearly to solve my problems but alone or even with help I cannot solve my problems; I am stuck.
I am not writing this blog to complain, nor to give up. More so, I am wondering if this is how everyone feels at times? And what you did to see yourself through to the other side of your difficulties? I think that if I could solve some of my health problems it would solve a great deal of my other problems.
But I am tired of pills that don’t help and just make me feel sicker; I am tired of having a body that hurts often painfully from medication; I’m tired of being too fatigued to even walk, or feeling exhausted after 15 minutes of light weight lifting and sore for a week later; I am tired of being the friend to some friends who do not make an effort and I am the one who always has to make the effort to connect – sometimes I wonder why I even try but then I remember I could have even fewer friends; I am tired of being stuck inside with nothing to do because I cannot concentrate on anything but TV or a book; I’m tired of not sleeping because my Meds for insomnia have started not to work again; and I’m tired of being exhausted for 2 days after going to the mall for 3 to 4 hours or doing activity for that length of time. I’m so tired and wonder how I can face years more of this.
I try to tell myself that it could still get better, that there is always hope, but I’m starting not to believe that anymore. I feel doors being closed, windows being sealed off, and I know other people suffer often more, but I don’t know how to see past my suffering anymore. Empathy is important, compassion is important but I feel so inside myself and cut off people. Like I’m just passing time and will continue passing time existing but doing little else. Where is God in all of this? For once, I cannot find Him. And that scares me the most.
I need hope. We all need hope to survive times where we feel empty. And when I think of carrying on I think of God who inspired Paul to write when he had a ” thorn,” an untold problem in his life. And God answered Paul, ” My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Or I think of the last line of John Milton’s poem On His Blindness “They also serve, who only stand and wait.” And I do not find reassurance in these lines lately. And I know it is my human fallibility that I have lost my understanding, that I have lost hope. But I think I will take a walk today. The weather is very nice and maybe a walk throughout creation will inspire in me, that life again is worth the suffering and sacred in itself.
I’ll tell you what . . . it’s been an eventful weekend and I have a great deal to share with you, some things that are just my favourites this past while and somethings that I’ve taken part in so I hope you’ll find it interesting.
I’ll tell you what . . . after watching the movie Divergent with Shailane Woodley and Theo James (my new celeb crush) I was so excited to read the book series. The book series includes the titles: Divergent, Insurgent, and Allegiant by Veronica Roth.I absolutely loved the books but I received a huge shock in the 3rd book. I understand why the author killed off this particular character but it affected me so much I was crying and it takes a lot to make me cry over a book.
At first I was sad for the character because she died and was so young. Then I was sad for her boyfriend who couldn’t scatter his girlfriend’s ashes until 2.5 years later because he still wasn’t over her. Needless to say I am hoping that they changed the movie version as they already changed things in the first movie Divergent from the book.
I am trying to figure out why I am still thinking about this last book and why that particular characters death grieved me so much. On one hand, it was the Roth’s fantastic writing that got me so involved with the book that I never saw the death coming. On the other hand, it is my intense empathy for the character and her boyfriend, who was left after all he and his girlfriend went through together — a war — for lack of a better word, and the fact you could almost taste that happy ending for them in the near future.
But then instead of giving us a happy ending such as the endings that occur in romance books, the author gives us a taste of real life and the injustices in the series of books that are reflective of life. The one female character dies because of this, in real life there are many broken love stories because people die in real life. Their plans become void and their partner is left to carry on full of hurt and to wonder what happened to their fairy tale ending after all the things they went through to get to that point with their loved one.
More then that, it’s that life is never a fairy tale and if we receive some happiness we just have to be grateful for the time we have that happiness, until life brings us back to it’s harsh reality. I can’t say why this fictitious death bothers me other than that, maybe in a way, I related to both the boyfriend and the girlfriend character too much. Maybe like I said, it was the fact that some of the book, even though it was science fiction and futuristic, was too close to some of the events that occur in our society — prejudice, injustice, and humanities inability to manage peace as a long-term solution according to what is right and wrong.
I’ll tell you what . . . this was my last weekend with my boyfriend for 3 weeks. He is finally healthy enough to go back to work. He left early this morning and I enjoyed our last weekend together. The next time I see him it will be his Birthday and I will be able to spoil him. It boggles my mind that in his culture/religion they never celebrated birthdays. But I think he enjoys getting presents and having a day just about him.
We spent the weekend going out for supper on Friday night. He was not aware that Julio’s on Whyte Ave had real food. So he ordered a quasadilla just as I did, and he took home half of it as well as my left overs for later. He enjoyed it except for the noise in Julio’s which is famous for its Bulldogs which are full of lime juice with an energy drink, about 3 shots of tequila, and a Corona beer that you pour into it as you drink it. Julio’s also has excellent margaritas. It has more of a bar like atmosphere then a restaurant or a mexican pub. Anyways, I had a craving for the quasadilla and A was nice enough to go there with me.
We wanted to go out more that night but there were no movies I felt we would both like and the mall was closed and it was too early to go to the bar. I think A wanted to go out later but at 12:00 pm midnight he decided he needed to take a nap and I laughed when it was almost 1:00 pm because neither of us was ready and we would have had maybe 1 hour at the bar too enjoy had we gone out.
Interestingly enough, we were somehow watching this fishing show where the guys were fishing in the ocean for giant blue fish tuna. These things are as long as a tall grown man and fat, exceptionally fat. They sold one at $15/lb and made over $4000 on it. I couldn’t believe it! And I hate fish and eating it but I was impressed that such huge tuna exist.
The next day A and I slept late and later went to West Edmonton Mall, our huge mall in Edmonton, and he bought an Armani Exchange T-shirt. But when I tried to buy something he tried very hard to convince me not to. ” It’s alright” I said ” I don’t shop that often” and he goes “yeah right.”
As a man he is not very aware of how much women like and need to take care of themselves. I have tried a little to explain this but he has step-sister who is much younger and didn’t live with her so he has no frame of reference. Finally, I decided to go back to buy this tunic on at Anthropologie and getting A to go back there was a challenge.
He says, ” What if we come back here in 3 weeks when I am back?” and I’m like ” No, I want this shirt it won’t be there in a month.” “Where will you wear it he asks, around home?” and I say, ” Yes, around home, out, and around you,.” Then A goes ” You don’t have to dress up for me I don’t care what you wear” and I shake my head. Just like a man to think you are only dressing for him when really as a women you dress for yourself and other women more. Anyways, I will make sure I don’t do my Birthday shopping in July around him, I won’t get anything purchased if I do. Instead I will be wracked with guilt.
But it was still a good weekend.
I’ll tell you what . . . NARS has this great highlighter/blush/bronzer out for $55.00 at Sephora. It’s a good investment if you like NARS makeup. I love it, it stays on well and the special edition treats always last a long time. The highlighter/blush/bronzer also comes with a travel brush in this set. I haven’t bought it but maybe next month.
I’ll tell you what . . . everybody needs a good makeup video for going out especially this spring with prom and graduation. There is this great one I tried out by pixiewoo using Naked Eye Shadow 2 palette by Urban Decay.Take a look:
I’ll tell you what . . . this is the best song for any girl. It’s been out for a while and everybody has heard it but I thought I might close my blog with Girl On Fire by Alicia Keys. It’s great for any women when someone is trying to tell you what to do. Cheers!