Not Measuring Up

Have you ever tried your hardest at something and realized that you just don’t measure up? It’s a feeling that kind of makes you sick to your stomach and sad. Especially when you know that other people see your potential and that you see your potential but that the people you want to see your potential just don’t see it.

I can’t exactly tell you who or what I am talking about. Naming names, not cool. But I can tell you I spent a great deal of time writing for this particular place and in the end they just didn’t like my work or they never even really noticed when I was gone. I wrote for this place for over a year and I thought I had a lot of good writing pieces. The problem was that some of those pieces needed a lot of editing. I was going for quantity in my work and not quality, but someone should have mentioned that to me sooner than they did. But I was also having issues myself because I did not realize the amount of editing my work was needing. Sometimes someone said something but they really did not come right out and say it until after I had written many of  the articles I wrote for them, that my work was lacking. I was greatly offended at first when they finally did and I some things I shouldn’t but I thought that things had worked themselves out. But the problem was they really didn’t want me back and I think they should have just come out and said it. They just wanted to re-post some of my blogs and that’s not really getting your work professionally published.

I tried hard after that to just take on one piece at a time. I spent the entire week editing and proof reading these pieces and although they were published, I think without a large number of mistakes, it seemed like I still couldn’t measure up. This is really frustrating to me especially because this was something I took on as not only something to show as a writing portfolio but as a volunteer activity. Then when I stopped receiving emails about pitches I took it to mean that I wasn’t wanted to write for this publication anymore. For someone whose dream is to write articles for places like this (but maybe a bit different places) this was insulting. Although I was told before that all criticism given to me was given with the greatest consideration for my self-improvement and future with the place I also believe that my style of writing just did not match the style of the editors. As well, I didn’t feel I was given a fair chance to prove myself after I had been criticized.

Some of what happened is just me and indicative of the things I still have to learn or relearn as a writer. Before I had a psychotic episode that damaged my right brain and  I was a lot thorougher of a writer. That is one reason I have decided to take an Editing Certificate. I have taken to heart that criticism about my writing and if I want to be a writer I have to be able to notice errors in my writing both grammatical and stylistic. I have to be able to see these without thinking and I believe after this certificate I will be able to improve my writing a great deal more as well as proof my friend’s writing better. I seem to do a good job of that now but at least I will have something behind me besides my English BA saying that I can edit my own and other’s writing well. All this is work going towards a Masters eventually in some place of writing – Communications or Creative – and I think I just need to get back to basics.

This being said, the place I wrote for had improvements to make itself as a publication to be truthful. It’s goals were worthy and the people I worked with I liked. It had good ideas but I never felt that more than a couple writer’s were actually producing better articles except that maybe they edited better and had a view that fell more in line with some of the publications views I chose not to write about. So I have come to the conclusion that for that place, I just do not measure up. I am not suited to be writing for them. They have their goals and I have mine and although I am sad that I have just been forgotten about or excluded I know that my editing certificate will lead me to greater opportunities so I am focusing on that. I know I’m not perfect and that the place I wrote for is not perfect. But I really don’t have anything left to say to them other than ‘ I’m done.’ If you didn’t even notice I was gone then obviously my writing wasn’t good enough for you and I have to work on that and find places I am better suited to, places where I have greater creative freedom and better mentors. Creative writing is what I like about blogging, being able to share your work with a lot of people but having that freedom to write about what topics are near and dear to your heart. And I really do appreciate every like and follow from you guys.

This being said I am hoping in the coming year to research more topics and talk about some of the actors, singers, beauty, fashion, and philosophical things I have talked about in my past (through my blog and through the place I use to write for). If there is something you want me to talk about more that you liked, let me know. Also, if I have the odd grammatical error or spelling mistake I apologize. I am working to correct these and if you don’t already notice, I always fix my mistakes especially after I have published a post. Thanks for your time.