Just A Little More Time

I would like a little more time please, just to figure my situation out. I would like you to stop asking questions about the state of my life. Because when I tell you how things are for me, I’m not sure that your listening to me. I’d say at least half the time you are off thinking about something or listening to something else. I know you can’t multitask but some of those conversations I had with you ( or with myself ) they were important to understanding me and how my life works.

Yes, I want to work. I want to work more than anything and more than most people who work actually do. But I can’t, that is not a privilege I have. So don’t tell me ” I don’t want to work! ” because if I could go to a job where I was content at and make it through the whole day, be able to concentrate on my work, and not become so fatigued I’m useless at my desk, I would be there. If I could be along side colleagues for 8 hours, making friends with some of the girls my age I work with I would, and If I could build a career and learn more, take school at night to understand my job better I would. But I was 23 years old the last day I was at work and I had a breakdown. Things had been wrong for awhile and I didn’t know I was having a psychotic episode and I didn’t know that that episode would change my life forever.

Why would I take a certificate in Residential Design after deciding in the end it is something I can’t do? Because it was 2009, I needed something to do and The Faculty of Extension at the U of A had a daytime course called Residential Design and it seemed interesting and I liked it. It was 3 hours a week and I could spend time in the other days of the week working on the projects and papers. I didn’t do the best work at first but I improved, the course was a way to measure my mental improvement. It was also related to commercial development, the type of company I worked for before I got sick. I kept taking courses in design in the day until I couldn’t, until the only courses I needed to take were at night. It was extremely hard for me to do night courses and I have one left. I decided I might as well get the certificate after taking 6 of 9 courses even though I knew I won’t really use the certificate. I don’t have the energy levels to be an interior decorator, nor if I’m honest the passion. It was more something I did for myself.

It was not a waste of money, education is never a waste of money and teaches you way more than just the subject your taking. Education helps you to think, to weigh decisions, to think practically and logically. Education is portable knowledge so don’t ever ask me why I am taking Residential Design, I will use it, just not the way you think.

Why am I doing practically nothing right now? Well you see, mental illness or physical illness that causes mental illness, whatever I have, is not black and white. Little things that you can no longer do due to your illness can have repercussions on the rest of your life. Doctors, medications, therapy, and healing (if it’s possible) all take time. Not to mention if you read any of my other recent blogs, you’ll understand I’ve been regressing this past year and my psychiatrist can no longer help me. I have spent the last 4.5 years trying to solve my illness with psychiatric medication and it helped a little. But I still have no energy and there’s a physical reason for that. So now I turn to my family doctor to help me find some hope of recovery physically. Do you know what it’s like to never wake up refreshed? To never not be fatigued? Do you know how it is to have to cut short most of your evenings, and I only get a few, because you can’t handle being out anymore, you’re just too tired? Do you know how hard it is to do just usual every day activities such as studying or house work? Do you know how hard it is not to be able to cardiovascular activity when you so desperately want to lose the weight you’ve put on through medication and inactivity?

You did not get these things yesterday. You were asking for the 3rd or 4th time. And some other things just to clarify: yes I can drive. But I gave that privilege up because paying attention, and the speed of the road was too much after I was sick. I had my license for 2 years and passed the test. Now it’s been about 4 years since I have driven and I can’t afford a car or insurance to drive my parent’s cars. Even if I could, they take their cars to work in the day when I possibly could drive.

Yes, I can cook. It may be only a few dishes but I can do those dishes well. My own diet is pretty simple and cooking foods together often seems to make them fattier so cook simply. Also, worst of all, my Dexedrine wears off right around supper and I become useless from the withdrawal until about 7 pm or later.

Yes, I have money but I’m living off of about $1500 a month right now and that doesn’t go far. I try to save some money to see you and take cabs but it shouldn’t be such a big deal giving me rides sometimes and paying for things a little more since you make 4 times my wage. I realize you have more expenses but I have bills too. It’s not like I can do any better, I’m stuck with what I make. Plus, you know I’m trying to pay down debt and stay on budget. On the same note, when I have the money to contribute please let me. Let me pay for lunch, or buy you a small Christmas gift, it’s not that hard to let me give back.

I think that’s it. Do you understand now? Just give me more time, I can’t fix everything on my own or maybe even at all. Just like me for me right now. That’s all I ask.


6 thoughts on “Just A Little More Time”

  1. “Do you know what it’s like to never wake up refreshed? To never not be fatigued? ”

    Most people who are “normal” will never understand how we, the mentally interesting, function. I never wake up feeling like I have slept 8 hours because I take meds at night that knock me out cold, and waking up into that kind of haze is not too cool. I am most always feeling like I could sleep, and some days I do exactly that, I sleep because I know how I am going to feel if I stay awake. So, I do get it. Since I am currently in what seems to be a bit of a manic mode, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, and when I come down, and I will, the manic episode will catch up with me, and knock me down flat.

    I can also understand your strong desires to be productive. I melted down at work when I was 31/32 one of the two. All I knew about what was happening was unlike any feelings I had before. I was beyond extremely depressed. Now, however, almost 9 years later, I am mostly stable, and I would love a job. But the last job I had sent me spinning off into my hidey hole. I do not think the so-called normal people realize this. I feel like they think the mentally interesting are simply lazy and just want to collect an unearned check every month. If only they would listen when we speak……it is my hope that someday, mental and physical illness will be viewed in the same way so that we do not have to suffer these little indignities everyday at the hands of a population of people who just can’t “get it.”


    1. I’m very sorry you have similar troubles to mine and hope one day you find away to work and handle everything in your life. For me, this post was an overreaction to someone close to me just checking up on things. But I do often have this trouble with other people and I think I more often think it about me myself. But it throws me when someone is actually concerned and not being sarcastic or not understanding. I think that’s fair to know. I hope you feel better and that you find the energy to do what u need to do. Good luck and all the best, thanks for reading!


      1. Don’t be sorry… I consider my life and all of it’s struggles and things to overcome as both a blessing and a curse. One thing I consider both a blessing and a curse is my innate sensitivity to other people’s problems to the exclusion of my own. or, maybe that’s how I ignore them. Bipolar is an interesting disorder to have.

        After some very bad experiences with people who I thought cared about me despite the disorder, I do not trust easily or lightly, so sincerity is something that misses my radar altogether. I don’t even think I know what it looks like except maybe from my Mom.

        Good luck on your travels. Life is a very interesting journey filled with some very interesting characters 🙂


  2. I am so sorry you are going through this and have people who don’t believe what you say. Many people won’t believe you. It is sad, the world we live in, but it is the way it goes. I too have struggled with depression on & off (maybe it never left me) for years, since I was a kid (I am 35 now). I feel tired most of the time and have been in & out work (more out than in). There are days where I can’t do anything and other days where I can only write, cook, and run an errand or two. I never really feel productive. I just want you to know I understand where you are coming from and thank you for sharing your story through your blog.


    1. Thanks very much for your comment. I’m sorry you are depressed and don’t have any energy either. I feel I often get this reaction from some people or sometimes I’m afraid it’s what I tell myself. I think in this situation I overreacted, the person in question was someone close to me and just checking up on things. It bothered me and I got really defensive because as you know things out of your control our very frustrating. Thanks for reading and commenting again. Good luck in your struggles!


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