A few blogs ago I wrote to you about how instead of progressing in my fight with depression, I was regressing. I have never been one to sit out on life and let my everyday be unliveable so I have decided to take some steps to further help myself in dealing with my health regressions.
The first step, I took was to go to my psychiatrist and tell her how I have since last winter felt as if I had less energy, less motivation, and more emotional upheaval in my life due to changing moods. This resulted in some difficult medications changes that did not work.
Increasing my Dexedrine levels from 10 mg to 20 mg made me very Ill and did not increase my energy or my concentration levels. It took me several days to not feel the withdrawal affects of the Dexedrine and now I am going back up to my normal level of antidepressant. The problem is although I have returned to regular medication levels, I am not myself, the medication changes did not work. I am not sure what my psychiatrist will do next appointment because she did not seem sure what to do this last time.
My psychiatrist is excellent, the problem is I am very sensitive to many medications. Of the many Medications I’ve tried besides the medications I’m taking, 1/3 I am allergic too and the other 2/3 I have an intolerance for. Translation, they make me very sick. So it is depressing to think that I have more medication changes coming up in the near future, at the end of October. I think adding to the cocktail of medications I already take is the way to go about these changes but another option entirely, is to go into hospital and start with no medications at all, to start from a blank slate so to speak.
This is scary because at least the medications I am on right now make me feel somewhat normal and I abhor Psych wards and hospitals, possibly because my last experience with one was in the middle of a psychotic attack. But this experience would be a little different but going off medication completely to begin with frightens me. But today my psychiatric nurse asked me when we had coffee, to think about how I wanted to live my life: How I am living it now or better? Could I live it at least as well as I was living it last summer or better? I don’t think she or my doctor can guarantee any sort of success for me where my health is concerned but perhaps, after 5 years, it’s time to try some new things and be in a place where I can easily talk to doctors who are sleep specialists and have other types of consults as well. But I just don’t know about being in a hospital a month or more it’s a situation I have to consider carefully.
Another thing I have done to help my health situation is to talk with a psychologist. I have an appointment coming up next week. I’m not sure exactly what this will do for me but my friend recommended it and she is studying her Master’s in this area. Plus, my insurance will cover a few sessions a year. Maybe this is a way I can come to accept my situation and learn how to deal with it mentally. Or even just having someone to talk to and give me feedback that will give me different feedback then my family and the people I have been working with for the last 5 years. A fresh pair of eyes so to speak. Apparently, my friend tells me the best way to deal with depression is to have a mix of medical help and psychotherapy. So, it will be interesting to try that and see what comes from it.
I hope that if you are dealing with something similar that you have the courage not to be ashamed of your disease. It is a part of you and gives you great insight into a world where many people suffer. I also hope that by blogging my experiences and decisions regarding my health that you have some ideas of how you might deal with your own mental health struggles. I’m sorry to say this but it really is just a game of trying different medications, healing methods, doctors, and experiences until you find what works for you and your health. Then again, maybe you’ve become lucky and been able to deal with your own situation rather painlessly. Either way I hope this blog was enlightening. Just because you are sick doesn’t mean you are incapable of doing great things.