This morning I picked up my big thick beautiful September edition of Instyle Magazine. It is so large I am only 2/3 of the way through it. Instyle is full of pictures, pictures of fashion, makeup, and home decore with very little writing. I love to read but it is for the very reason that I do not have to read that I love Instyle. Instyle is full of beauty products I long to try, perfumes I test by seeing if my dog likes the smell of them, and outfits I search through for pieces to add to my wardrobe, sometimes just figuratively speaking. The thing is the pictures of the models and beauty products are fantastic, they are comfort itself. Beauty contained in 717 pages. A dense coffee table book that is a feast to my eyes and to all my senses.
I love the way that magazines such as Instyle smell; I always have. Instyle smells such as flowers, and perfume, and the brand new scent of crisp magazine pages, it smells as if it is a world of scents unto itself, as if it is a beauty getaway from the everyday to this life of luxury and decadence. Instyle is one of my comfort places. I look at it twice in print form, than go through it in tablet edition to click on the links and websites to all that stylish clothing, decore, and wonderful beauty products.
But the point, of this blog is “getting out of the magazine” not getting lost inside it. It is easy to become caught in this luxurious magazine full of seemingly perfect models that clothing fits divinely on , that makeup does not smudge on, that beauty products always seem to work on, that outfits are tailored to fit, with models that computers improve, and colors that a computer clarifies. If I am honest with myself it is easy to get lost in what is truly a fake, but a lovely fake a magazine is.
But honestly, a good dose of reality is often needed for the women who read fashion magazines, including I. Because what is in the magazine is not in a sense real life; it is for show.I think that we get lost in what is fake in life too. That we easily turn to the beautiful and intangible and away from the truth, from the tangible and often ugly aspects of the world, Or even worse, preferring what is fake and lovely to what is beautiful and true.
Something I discovered about myself recently is that I hate to be cornered into doing something by people I do not know well or am learning to get to know; I do not trust other people easily. I know this but when it comes to actually offering yourself up to someone and trusting them, relying on them to take you places you have never been, to take you places you are uncomfortable and unfamiliar with, that is extremely hard to do. Just letting go and allowing someone else to take control can be very difficult for me.
I always feel safe and comfortable when I know what is going on. I make plans and I schedule. And because my energy levels are such that I need to know when I can do something so I know how much energy I have to work with, how much time before I have nothing left and am useless and physically and mentally distressed, this a huge reason why I cannot give up control in my life. I can hardly ever just let someone say “I’ll take care of it” outside of family and extremely close friends
I have to be independent and depend on me because I have learned in situations where I have needed someone, some people are just not willing to be there – to take me on. I do not hold grudges for this, I understand everyone has their own responsibilities, but it’s disappointing to find out you cannot rely on someone again and again.
That’s why when experiencing a situation recently when I truly had to give up control I felt overwhelmed and lost. I felt myself feeling very alive being out of my comfort spot. Depending on someone I was not as familiar with was hard but enlightening.
But you see, we try to hide in our comfort places, in our magazines, in our story book relationships, in our past friendships, in a world where money doesn’t matter, but the reality of life is waiting right outside the door and at one time or another we are all lost without control. At some moment we all must face that feeling of “letting go” and allowing life or another person to lead us. We all must experience that shocking but enlightening pain of reality and lean on someone. It’s difficult to give control up, but it is essential to trust new people and learn from new situations. For all who seek where, comfort does not lie, outside our favourite magazines, our favourite experiences there is a bursting, beguiling, breathe of fresh air – here lies life in it’s fullest.