Sunlight or Moonlight


Long lengthening day, are you almost done?
Blazing blistering sun, have you almost set?
The hours pass by slow and sedentary, and I wonder why I woefully sit and wait for this dragging day to end.
Pass on by, with spite, I sent you on your way, goodbye blue sky, ring in the night with stars that sparkle and a moon that rises rapidly.
No longer take the sentry passage of the bright brilliant blue sky, don’t go to sleep and slumber take the wheel of this ship and navigate away from this pagan deity called sun, surpass him for the moon that hangs above us, bright in crescent delight glowing frivolously and moving past the long lengthening day that grows grimly as time tones trite in the haggard passage of drunk daylight.
For night passes stealthily through the sky orb touching eyelids with a blessed pace that one sleeps through, yet at the dawn must face the drugged desolate sphere of bright burning breathing choking us with light,
And all the more I doubt, sun brings fourth it’s glory, it’s chariots on fire, when it boldly and broodingly makes the day as long as it seems, searchingly endless to all who foresee, and have expectation of night’s revelry.
Out, blazing haze out, and shine the orb that heaven hung in a darkened sky blithely passing, changing, enunciating to the earth here comes twilight our rebirth, then comes blackness where I shine in brilliance, then comes dawn where fire puts out the night; all these phases must come with the passage of night.
So speed up daylight, don’t let us suffer in this dreadful orange haze. Bring out the candles, the lights, the fireflies and moonlight.
Where the moon dances in stark contrast she leaves behind wisps of sunshine and the fear of eternal day, and a hidden shiver of silver on the way.

Blogging 201 – 3 Goals for Blogging


20130424-193643.jpgIt is an interesting task trying to figure out 3 concrete goals you would like to achieve on your blog. I think because there are many goals that run across my mind and when I think of putting something down concretely it means you actually have to do it. One actually has to try to achieve those goals:

1. Spend more time reading my followers blogs – I had taken a Writing 101 course last month and I found with great delight how much I enjoy reading what other people wrote about in their blogs. I also learned a great deal from seeing other people’s blogs and reading what they had to say from their own points of view. It was extremely interesting how one person could have a completely different take on a similar subject. The way someone else would choose to represent a topic could be quite different then the way I would choose to represent a topic in my writing. So concretely, I would like to spend at least 2 hours a week looking at the blogs of my followers and seeing the world from their point of views.

2. Write on a greater variety of topics - Some blogs are blogs that focus on one topic but I have always wanted to make my blog interesting because I wrote on a variety topics and wanted people to read it because they enjoyed all the things I wrote about not just Beauty or Fashion or Illness. I know this means that some posts not everybody will like but I hope that most of the time my followers will find something that will peek their interest so concretely, I would like to write 3 times a week on different topics (if possible) each time I write.

3. Gain more followers - An Important feature about writing I think is that a lot of the time, writing is meant to be shared. I think we gain particular insights into our own and other people’s writing by sharing our writing. Through the sharing of writing we see mistakes we have made, we can change our opinions, and we can learn something new about ourselves. Also, I believe that we have to strive to be great writers no matter who we are. Even if it is just a tiny post we want to present it in a way that makes other people say, “Wow, he/she is a really talented writer, I would like to read more.” So concretely, I would like to gain 50 more followers who actually get my blog emailed to them. 

Happy Thanksgiving One and All


It’s difficult to not write everyday now that the Writing 101 course is over. I had become use to being given an idea and then simply running with it for an hour or so each day. But now I am sitting in front of my laptop and it’s hard to come up with an idea to write about even though the point of the course for me in the beginning was to gain ideas for writing. But perhaps, that is my curse. I’ve been told that I’m very goal-oriented and great at completing my goals but not so great at making my goals in the first place.I think I will just need a brainstorming session where I can write down just any and every goal that comes to my mind. What about you how do you come up with ideas for blogs? Do you write from your own experiences, do you write fiction? I’d be interested to know.

But for now I will tell you about life lately and leave the brainstorming for later. Last week began by seeing my boyfriend finally, after his long trip to Morocco. I pretty much wouldn’t let him go once he came into my house and sat down on the couch. We talked a bit but I didn’t get to talk to him as much as I wanted until he took me out for dinner at Earls on Friday night. Everyone has there favorite meals at restaurants, the things they order over and over again. At Earls I have a few options I can choose from, my favorite being the Chicken-Apple Brie and Fig samwidge with a house salad. I always eat half and save the other half of this massive samwidge for lunch the next day. And I did the same thing on Friday but I was really craving chocolate after dinner and my boyfriend and I split (I had the most) a gelato and caramel nut sundae. It was divine, one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of chocolate, some candied pecans, and a little bowl of salty caramel sauce that I poured on the sundae frequently. I just love dessert sometimes and could just eat that. But I don’t order it too often because it’s usually too much to eat with a meal and drink as well as it’s fattening. Plus, A has decided he wants to keep of the 10 lbs he lost walking around Morocco and Europe, that way he will build muscle faster because he won’t have that fat in the way, not that he had any fat but that is just my opinion.

The rest of the weekend we spent preparing for a large Thanksgiving meal for Sunday.I cleaned my room well — vacuumed,

dusted, and wiped down everything — and frankly got too fatigued to do much more that day other than clean about half of my bathroom for Sunday ( I’ll have to clean the shower this week, at least no company goes in there so company cannot tell if it’s a bit dirty). On Sunday, I got ready and then helped my Mom cook the meal for the day. We had 13 people over for dinner, that’s a large party for my family. We had 4 of my Dad’s friends from China, both of my brothers, my one brother’s girlfriend, and my boyfriend A actually came over.

I was extremely impressed with A. He has been so frightened of my Dad he has staunchly refused to come over but he did come this time for a little while and ate supper with everybody, met my Dad, and brought my Mom flowers that she liked a lot. I hope I can get him to come again when my Dad doesn’t have so much company so that A can talk more to my Dad and become even more comfortable around my family. I think after 3-years it’s about time! But very proud of A all the same.

Back to dinner, my Mom and I cooked perogies, heated up cabbage rolls,cut up carrots and beans to be steamed, and my Mom baked a ham in the oven as well as a small turkey the night before. There was a chinese noodle salad and my brother’s girlfriend brought a pureed squash mixture. There was pumpkin pie and whipped cream for dessert, although dessert was very sweet.

After dinner and when everyone had left, I was quite tired and slept the rest of the afternoon, the next day, and most of yesterday. That’s called malaise — taking so long to recover after an occasion because you get to fatigued the day before or days before. Finally, today I feel as if I am normal again and maybe will catch up on some of my favorite TV shows online. Scandal (2 episodes) for one, Grey’s Anatomy, The Vampire Diaries, Once Upon a Time and if I have time, 2 new episodes of the Blacklist. But I’ve been slacking on the Blacklist so I might just leave that one until I can watch the entire season in the summer.

Also I signed up for Blogging 201 starting next week. I wanted to keep in the habit of writing everyday going and I also wanted to learn about some more complicated operations and ideas that can help a person blog. I didn’t take Blogging 101 but I know enough from figuring out WordPress that I think I’ll be okay. There is a Writing 201, long form writing, in December and so I will do that then. These courses were a very good idea just to keep me busy since I couldn’t do regular courses from a university lately. But Im quiet sure I will take a Lighting course in Winter to finish my Residential Design and receive my Certificate in May. Then I will be a Certified Interior decorator. But unfortunately, I don’t plan on using the designation or doing the job. I just want to finish the certificate. I’m still on disability after all.

So coming up in October/ November for sure a beauty haul from Sephora on Clinique (some of the regular products I use) and a couple of makeup products I am trying out from Benefit and Bobbi Brown. Can’t wait to write about those for you. As for the rest of my blogging ideas you’ll have to wait and see what I can come up with when I’m more awake.

Cheers!

Poetry – Learning to Forget


Forget

Forget, go out of your way into this day and age and forget.
Fight not to remember, but to let go, he said hello, you say goodbye.
I forgave you before, I did not sit and deplore myself or you.
I forgot, but you need to understand to forget some people in life takes more than courage.
No more empathy, or remembering, just be on your way.
Be friendly, be polite because you might just forget the day I see you again.

I’ll never know if I see you again, I’ll never understand the way things were.
Like a lilly that is blooming I could consume too much of you as you were consumed by me, I need to unfurl as that lilly does and live on drops of sunshine so I’m always at goodbye.
Don’t look on me with your judgemental eyes, if you don’t understand how the reality that is formed, today and yesterday is dead — crushed like coal beneath a shoe sole.
Awake the silent who slumber and dream of fantasy, like a dagger to their throat keep their memory silent; just forget.

I will never regret the day I forgot, but time keeps on ticking and even though I ought, little wisps of your voice wrap me like paper, trap me like a shark.
But I’m to determined to tell myself –forget — do not live on lies that chase you through the night.
Like a person with a memory reset, forget and move onto the dissolution, the disturbance, the details of the here and know.
Forget, and never remember, because I couldn’t see what the world saw in you.
Years later, I detest my cynical tears and forget there was once a time, a small girl did not know any better; just try to forget the picture in your head, pretend he doesn’t exist that he didn’t stake a claim, forget that he was a player, who wasn’t in my game.

We could never be a team because you always play for you — take the post out of my memory and forget.
Let fog amble by in swirls and cold sky, let the wind burn, so you suffered to.
Let me have one chance to see you and forget, your to loud for me and I never was more than a whim.
Forget, it’s the worst and worthiest solution to avoid you at all cost, bury our pasts and simply move on.
Don’t comment on how I look, don’t tell me anything, unless it’s sorry for hurting you.
But you forgot and that’s the difference between me and you. Your a guy and move on fast I’m a girl and I can never take back the piece of my heart you tore out of me.

As water splashes in giant fountains and you feel all the drops, let me be in every way unless you say something beautiful, make a conversation ever, but you forgot and those drops are acidic tears taking me farther down the road I go every year.
Thank God at times that I can forget and just never see you again, it would hurt because you didn’t care at all – as timeless as a thick tree trunk you grow and I still forget to forget.
Let go because I deserve some peace too, let me flame a different women now, and no longer do I see that little boy you use to be.
Forget, and never write another passage about you, forget and my heart bleeds hollow.
Forget, cause your past chases you, forget me nots dry and rot.

Freedom is won at such steep price in your head and in your heart. Forget, there are no package deals, no perfect men here, never remember and let the ghost of my eyes see you disintegrate.
Forget, it’s the rule, that drives the nail home. Don’t write about the hurt. Live your own life.
Forget… The years pass by and still I try, this is, no never was, a romance — only real life.
And some nights I swear it’s a bitch to forget the past while swirls and wirls of a world long ago leave traces behind me — so I let go all my burdens and cast the die where it rolls.
Forgetting is bleeding, and trying to forget a pain so deep inside the scar can’t be removed.
Forget him now, move by as the world sucks you back into your life, forget I am just me.
And I have become — my own self, no one controls me like that again.
Who knows, nobody knows where will each end up.
Forget.

Poetry – Disappointment


If you could feel a quiver of what I feel,
You wouldn’t feel anything at all, there’s a numbness it’s spreading like quicksilver.
And there is wonder as I question why I keep letting you back in to break the newness, the vitality, the stability I have gained while you were away.
And I wonder what I’m feeling now because it’s a strange ice cold feeling akin to fear.
This numbness is humbling and it’s showing me, you say you’ll change, but your actions show differently.
And I’m not willing to put up with your fumbling anymore, I know what I need.
Maybe it’s time you grow up little boy before the end of your nose grows Pinocchio.
Time to stop the cycle and fess up. We’ve been here a long long time and we still sit as still as cats waiting to pounce on their prey, but you never pounce — where’s your bounce?
Where does a relationship fit into all your plans, why can’t you just tell them to me?
Have pity, I’m exhausted pulling the wool from your eyes, I’m to tired to put together the puzzles you would have me fit together.
And the voice of a future drowns, gurgling as you chew your food down.
I’m still numb to everything. I thought you learned.
Silly child that is me, don’t you know men don’t change their always little boys at heart.
Silly girl, life’s a game, and your losing at this game of thrones.
You might get to sit on a stool and quietly contemplate better days or dream of days when birds had wings and eagles flew us over banks and rows, casting rapid eye and talons as claws, and gently lifting up those of us that fell.
A muted caw saying, ” I understand all.”

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Writing 101 – My Dog and Living Things


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My most treasured possession passed away last March. Her name was Nikki and she was my favorite dog ever. I wrote a few blog posts on her passing as she was becoming sick and when she was gone so I will just put the links in for you to read:

That Day Came My Dog is Old

http://mandibelle16.wordpress.com/2014/03/30/that-day-came-my-dog-is-old/

Suffering

http://mandibelle16.wordpress.com/2014/04/07/suffering/

An Empty House

http://mandibelle16.wordpress.com/2014/04/14/an-empty-house/

And I guess other than that I would like to note I love lots of things that are actual things. I like to be comfortable and I like to beautify myself and my home. But if it came down to it I could with great sorrow leave everything because God and people (and sometimes pets) are the most important things in my life. They are not possessions but living entities and for this fact all the more valuable to me.

Thanks so much for all your comments and wonderful writing!

Writing 101 – The Wise Teacher Loss


I have already complained and exclaimed in my blog many times about my health problems. And when it’s suited the prompt, I have shared details about my issues during this course. But I didn’t set out wanting to do that. You see, it’s extremely easy to get caught in your problems, to drown yourself in them, if you allow yourself to be pulled in that direction. I found myself before this writing course being overwhelmed by my health issues. But I wanted to experiment and find new ideas to write on. My problem is sometimes It’s hard to find your way out of a hole you’ve been digging or found dug for you.

But when it comes down to it, whatever your experiences are, they shape you and mold you. Your experiences change you and alter the person you once were. I have learned a long time ago that I will never be the 23-year-old who lived a care-free life, just worrying about whether some guy liked her and spending my free time drinking and partying with my friends. Sickness led me to see what is important in life and what really matters. I don’t think the girl I was saw what was vital in life.

She didn’t see how important her family was to her person, she undervalued an almost photographic memory, she cared too much what others thought about her, she was too shy to go after many goals she wanted, and she wasn’t hungry because she had never been starved for much of anything in life. But one way I still feel like that girl is when I write. The ease with which words flow, the rightness I feel when I write, the creativity, I’m able to express through words.

So, not being able to work and not being able to take the courses I wanted to this Fall, I was grateful that I could take a course where I could write and express myself in Writing 101. I was grateful to be able to grow and I was grateful for a moment to just feel 23-years-old again, even if I never knew what I know now. I have lost most of my 20’s to sickness but I have also gained so much because of those losses. Those are experiences I’m glad to share when I write, those are unique happenings in my life that I value as much as I want to leave them behind. There is no better teacher then loss.

Writing 101 – Mrs Pauley


Do you see her lying there on the stretcher? The police and the paramedics around her and all the neighbours standing by shuffling their feet and talking quietly. Well, that’s Mrs. Pauley as stiff as a door nail, dead. She was a curious old thing but Mom said she’s lived there in this house where we’re gathered on the driveway, forever. She had six kids, didn’t pay her mortgage, never came out except to garden a bit.

I been in her house once. It was messy. There were dishes piled in the sink and bugs flying around the house. Mrs. Pauley’s house stunk like mold, mildew, and garbage. Oh, and that old lady smell. Not the good kind that Grandma’s house smells like but something putrid. Mom used that word I thought it aptly described the smell of Mrs Pauley’s home.

She didn’t like kids to much, she said we were noisy and loud. But my Mom told her that kids were just loud and became over excited easily. Mrs. Pauley didn’t have much use for other neighbours opinions and she let my Mom know that.

Curiously today though, I watched as a couple of cop cars pulled up to her house. I was sitting on the step in our front yard working on my math problems. Math was so hard! The police officers knocked on Mrs Pauley’s door but she didn’t come out. She wouldn’t have even if she was alive, she didn’t care for coppers. The police knocked again then tried the door. Strangely, the door just opened which was odd because Mrs. Pauley always locked up tight to keep the riff-raff out.

I guess the house really smelled because the police came out covering their mouths and noses with their hands and an ambulance arrived. Neighbours began to come out on their lawns and some crept to Mrs. Pauley’s drive way to see if they could help. But into that gruesome place went the paramedics and then later they brought out this stiff body covered up. I swear I could see Mrs. Pauley’s hand curled hanging from the stretcher as if she’d just been drinking her coffee.

She had six boys but none of them were here. They lived all over the place, Mom said. I was grossed out as we went over to Mrs. Pauley’s driveway and I could smell the stagnant house. My mom talked to the police said she had seen her just hours ago. Just like that Mrs. Pauley’s continuous presence on the block ended. They sold her house, cleaned it out first, and there was a funeral Mom went to with Dad. I didn’t miss her, but I knew I should.

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Dry Shampoos: The Best and the Worst


1. Dove Dry Shampoo (aprox. $7.00 Shoppers Drugmart) – Dry Shampoo, according to what I’ve learned, is supposed to do two things to your hair. Dry Shampoo is supposed to give your hair life for a second day (make it cleaner by absorbing oil) and it is also supposed to volumize your hair. The best dry shampoos are so good as volumizers that you can use them to rough up your hair and give it texture, even tease your hair at the crown (for instance) to get lift. Dove is not one of those dry shampoos that gives much volume. It smells wonderful and makes your hair feel soft and cleaner but it does not give your hair any lift. In general, I have learnt that only the more expensive dry shampoos will do this. I was told this by my hair dresser and through purchasing cheaper dry shampoos thinking they might work to create texture and volume I learned I was wrong. Cheaper dry shampoos do not give texture and volume

2. Batiste Dry Shampoo (aprox. $10.00 Shoppers Drugmart) – Although this dry

shampoo was a bit more expensive then the Dove dry shampoo it had about the same effect. It was good as a dry shampoo to keep your locks cleaner on a second day but it wasn’t much good for texture or volume. It did help my hair feel really clean and it smelled great. The one I chose smelled like pineapples because it had a tropical scent but for creating hair styles that needed teasing it was not a very useful dry shampoo. It could not put volume in my hair at all.

3. Kevin Murphy Fresh Hair Dry Shampoo (aprox $26,00 at certain Salon’s ie.The Beauty Lounge, Chrome in Edmonton, Dandy Salon and Spa ) –  I loved how light and citrusy this dry shampoo smelled. It was divine and when you sprayed it into your roots ( you do that on the first day btw not the second day as most people think, my hair stylist told me this at Chrome in Edmonton) it is still light and not too thick that it makes your hair feel icky and coated. Yet at the same time, it works as an excellent volumizing and texturizing spray. It was easy to tease my hair so I could back comb it and create chignons or just a little lift to the back of my hair. I loved it except for the price. It only lasts a little over a month. The bottle is quite small but it is effective as both a way to keep your hair fresh and volumize it.It is also antioxidant rich and paraben free.

4. Bedhead Rockaholic Dry Shampoo (aprox $26.00 http://www.spasation.com or any

Spasation Salon) – I love this dry shampoo and it is my favorite! It is not quite the most clean feeling when you put it in your hair because it is more suited to creating texture but it still works to make your hair cleaner on the second day and absorb oil. It is the best and most excellent volumizer and texturizer. I receive great lift from my hair with this dry shampoo and it is so easy to tease your hair with Rockaholic in, even on a second day, by just spraying a bit of this into your roots on the first day you wash your hair. I love the smell and especially that Rockaholic lasts longer then 2 months for each bottle. It is an excellent value for the price and works by far (for me) the most effectively of all 4 dry shampoos I have featured here. It cleans, texturizes, volumizes, and is a great price value.

Writing 101 – Living in Fear


Static. Motionless. Stagnant. Stale. Still. I have a fear of all these words. When it comes to my life I’m afraid of not going anywhere. I’m afraid I will be still and stuck. I’m afraid of wasting away in a stagnant life. I’m terrified of remaining motionless. I’m afraid of being static. I’m terrified I will end up a stale person. I mean I’m afraid of never getting ahead in life. I’m afraid of never having achieved much of anything. I’m guilty of these fears because I have been sick a long time. I have been sick almost 6 years.

Sometimes, honestly, I could do nothing. I was stuck because I was ill. Too ill to think. Too ill to get out of bed. Too ill to concentrate. Too ill to take care of myself barely. Too ill to make myself lunch. Too ill to rise above being ill. But sometimes I feel a bit better and then I’m afraid because I don’t want to be stuck inside all the time. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to live with my parents much longer. I want to work. I don’t want to miss that event my friends are going to. I don’t want to be too fatigued. I don’t want to take so much time to rest. I want my old life back. But instead I get this life.

It’s not so bad. You get use to your own situation in life. But then I get terribly ill sometimes and I hate life. I’m afraid of disappearing. I’m afraid of never getting to be independent. I’m afraid of being independent. I’m afraid of too much. I’m afraid of of being forgotten. I’m afraid of having high hopes. I’m afraid of that fire within that wants to achieve. I’m afraid of being goal-oriented. I’m afraid of not getting what I most desire — I don’t want to hide the best parts of me.

I don’t want to hide behind manners and trying to fit in. I don’t want to hide behind polite conversation. I don’t want to hide behind false pretences. I want to believe that I can do most anything. I need to believe I have potential. My potential is what hides away. My dreams stay hidden. And every now and then I find a purpose. I want to believe that I can fulfill that purpose. I want to believe I have a purpose. I am potential. But I’m afraid to step into the light the place where creative energy thrives.

I want to write. I want to create. I want recognition. I want a career. I want people to see me not as that person who is sick but as that person who is capable despite sickness. I am plane afraid of not accomplishing my calling. I’m afraid of what people think. I’m afraid of what people say. I want to be capable again. I want so badly to just not be sick. I need so badly God’s grace. And need to achieve something I dream. Is that too much to ask? Or am I just living in fear?

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