What’s Next?

Summer is one of the busiest times for me, or it has been this year with me not able to take courses at the U of A Faculty of Extension. I want to finish my Residential Design Program, I have one course left. But it doesn’t seem like right now I’m going to be able to take that course in September. Maybe I will take another Editing course at least. That is something I can work at in my own time when I’m feeling up to it and do not have to attend at night, a problematic time to concentrate for me.

But that’s an aside, what I want to tell you about is my summer. Since July 2nd it’s only been my Mom and I at home. This has been a lot more relaxing then having 4 people in the house. But at times I have also been so tired that I have slept all day for days in a row and had less energy then I have ever had before. I thought maybe at first I was taking too much sleeping medication but now I’m not so sure. It’s just something I’m going to have to deal with for now.

My brother had plans with friends for his Birthday on July 10th so we didn’t do anything with him.20140310-185615.jpg But my Mom and I picked up a small bar sized cake from Costco and shared that as our Birthday cake. The cake was gone 2 days before I turned 29 years old on the 16th of July. I wasn’t feeling the best on my Birthday but I got many great wishes from friends and went out with my mom and brother to Earls for supper that night. I had the chicken-bri-fig samwidge and a salad. It is sweet and great because you can save half your samwidge for lunch the next day. I’m also having a girls night at Earls downtown with some friends tomorrow. I’m so looking forward to it, especially having a few drinks. I feel like I need that right now.

Monday night at 10 pm I went for a late supper with A at Cactus Club Downtown. I loved the patio but had the glossiest Quenoia salad. I couldn’t eat most of it and even A said it was gross. He was treating me for my Birthday and because it was a special night he bought me dessert, a chocolate lava cake with ice cream and we split it. I think I ended up having more but it certainly made up for the salad as did the Flirtini.

It was a great night and I felt spoiled but I

about-camera.4wy.net Beauty is More Than Flesh

Beauty is More Than Flesh

could hardly talk to him the music was so loud. I didn’t mind but it is 4 weeks later, A is leaving for Morocco and we still haven’t had much time to talk. He made it too clear to me last night he doesn’t care and that he is too busy for me right now. This really hurt and it is totally disrespectful. He promised to see me before he left but I don’t think that is happening and I’m not sure I want it to. Maybe a month break is a good idea because I can re-evaluate what has been happening. Right now I just feel like my whole Birthday night was a joke. He made me feel spoiled and precious and had turned things around and made me feel worthless. Maybe this is a lesson to all us ladies, our worth is not based around any man. A women’s worth is innate, she is precious and lovable because of her heart and who she is inside.

One of the great joys in my life is visiting my Great Grandma Reeder. Evelyn. Not only does she stuff me with wonderful food ( I often bring a brother along to help with the food amount) but she is awesome to talk to. She has such a good memory and is full of so many stories about my Godparents, her Great Grand Children, her siblings, and life. I love to listen to her and only wish I could go over there more often. My health was not so good this Winter but I had an unusually good day the day I saw her. We ate salad, homemade macaroni and cheese, and triffle with giant strawberry halves. And I stayed over 3 hours even when Evelyn nodded off. Talking to her and the good and bad times in her life makes me feel that it is possible to get through this life, painful as it might be at times and we share a love of shoes. Who doesn’t love a women who loves shoes?

The rest of the week I’m busy with my friends Tuesday night, as I said, and going downtown peacefultoday. I’m also finally getting my hair done at Chrome on Thursday. My hair needs a good cut and I’m going almost white blond for the summer. That way when I go again in Fall I can just get some dark low-lights and my hair will be fierce. Sunday is a friends bridal shower so I have to purchase gifts for that. And later in August is her stagette.

That’s my busy summer so far. What’s going in your lives? Is summer a hectic time for you too?


Originally posted on The Byronic Man:

When I found Bailey at the pound, he was so malnourished that the Humane Society staff had mis-identified him as a hound dog – just a depressed pile of bones and droopy skin. He could only walk about 15 feet at a time before he’d need to stop and rest for a moment.

Then, as we fed him and exercised him he grew. And grew. I went from being able to pick him up and put him in the back of the car to, well, having to just swear at him helplessly if he didn’t feel like getting in. This was 12 years ago. He’d eventually get to about 150 pounds, almost no fat. His dog bed was a twin mattress.

He was never an easy dog. Not even the rosiest of glasses could paint that image. He was protective and bad with strangers and would shed baffling amounts. More than…

View original 1,180 more words

Poetry: That Road

This is the slow road to hell, sinking in this summer heat.
A lonileness so deep, you would never even believe it.
Occupy yourself, no one can live life for you.
But I’m down that road and there’s nothing that I can do.

See these lines on the horizon, they lead to nothing,
They lead to nowhere, and it’s there I must be going.
Spend some time with me, well you’ve planned every weekend,
And I’m down that road, it’s a road that no one’s going.

Read everything, caught some sun, drank some inspirational tequila.
You’ll never see me going, your living your life like the wind blowing.
Fan the flames that this summer heat waves maken’.
I feel incomplete the more time life is a going.

I never made that choice to be a part and be frustrated.
You live your lives, you don’t think of me,
If I’m not in that moment, it’s to hell I must be going.
But I’m on that road, and it’s a solitary journey.

You’ll never know that kind of isolation, in your own lives.
I know you you’d never be forgotten, but you’ll never slow.
All these fake tears, well the sun burns those to salt.
And I’m down that road and it’s a hot mess for a stranger.

Don’t you know I’m going as fast as I can, but I can’t keep chasen’.
For me you won’t be slowen’, all our lives have been forgotten.
You forget mine went to pieces, so little do you know or wonder what I go through.
Life must be easy, you’ve never been down that road.

And you don’t stop to think of all the commotion, that I must undergo without my independence.
6 years is along time to be trapped in sandy places.
But I’m down that road and it’s heading into the setting sun.
I’m down that road, where the pavements baked to ashes.

It’s a hell trying attempting to live, when half the time you’ve been forgotten.
Too much effort, too much years, too much going on in your lives.
But I’m down that road no one gave me a choice about it.
I’m down that road and I’m afraid that you’ve forgotten.

Summertime in Sunny July and Some Reading

I have spent a great deal of time outside lately in the day just soaking up the sun in a lounge chair with my Ipad reading a book. I am a fast reader and have worked my way through many book series and titles. Nothing stands out as being really fantastic but I do enjoy Jamie Macquire books and she recently had a new title out called Beautiful Oblivian.There are 2 other books in this series that you can also read called Beautiful Disaster

and Walking Disaster. She also has some other great series out. I would consider them young adult/adult books. But they are written well and tell interesting stories about a family of brothers in a small town and of course there is a love story. So, if that is your thing then you might want to check Jamie Macguire’s books out.

I am also excited since Veronica Roth has come out with her book Fourbased off

of The Divergentseries she wrote before. I haven’t read the whole book yet but it is interesting to get Four’s background and view on certain incidents in the original series as the reader’s never got his view until the last book Allegiant.



On another note, I actually won something this week from a contest. I won six full sized nail polishes and one Little Bits of Neon set from a magazine calla DARE. When I first came across this magazine I was pleasantly suprised. DARE is a fashion magazine but it’s for women size 14 and up. Most of the models are bigger then that but the way they dress the models and the items such as makeup and there stories on certain topics are really good. Just as good as any other fashion magazine so that even if your not size 14 you can appreciate the style, beauty, and culture in this magazine. It can only be found online at http://www.daremag.ca and you can sign up to receive it in your email on the home site.

I also enjoyed spending Sunday with my mom for her Birthday at West Edmonton Mall. We had are nails done in shellac which lasts for about 2 weeks as apposed to 5 days for regular nail polish. We had Groupons for Merle Norman West Ed. so it only cost us $15.00 plus tip each. Full price it’s $32.00 for a shellac manicure and $45 for a pedicure so these are amazing prices for shellac which can cost upwards of $50 or $60 or even more.

We also went to Spaghetti Factory for lunch and I had this amazing Ravioli stuffed with mushrooms with bacon bits and it was yummy! I should have taken a foody picture but I didn’t remember so oh well.

The rest of the time before and after, we spent shopping. Mom was determined to find

certain items this day and after a trip to my Baba’s retirement home from 10:00am to 11:00 am and being in the mall after that until 5 pm I was extremely worn out. I think by the time we got to Simon’s I was just useless. But Mom found the items she wanted and I got some jeans as part of my upcoming Birthday present and a top at RW&CO. I think Mom enjoyed her birthday but I wish I didn’t get worn out so fast.

Also, spent sometime at the Downtown’s farmers market the Saturday before with A and it was good but some of the best vegetables and fruit are not quite out yet. But the cherries were excellent! Were supposed to go for supper sometime this week after 10 pm since it’s Ramadan for him. There is too much good food around in the summer :)

Begging For Freedom

There are many perks to living at home while you or in school or having a place to keep your belongings while you are travelling as a young adult. But there comes a time when I think every girl and guy I know wants or has already left home and now lives on their own or with roommates. I am quite jealous about this ability other people have. In fact, now that my brothers who are both younger then me have moved on their own I very much resent not being able to support myself enough both financially and in doing every day activities necessary to living outside your parents home.

I understand many people may want to live at their parents house with little rent and with little to do but watch TV, do light chores, do a bit of studying or reading, and sleep, but that is not me. When I started working back when I was 23 years old I enjoyed the freedom having your own substantial enough pay cheque gave you. I liked that I could drive but I had no problem taking the bus, and I was planning to move out the January in 2009 when I became Ill with my current depression and chronic fatigue.

It is not that I am unappreciative of my parents goodwill in letting me live at home. In fact, I am extremely grateful because I could not afford to live alone, buy my medications, and all the other little necessities that a girl needs like makeup that won’t make her skin break out, an iPhone , tuition for classes, clothing more than I need it, and being able to get my hair cut and highlighted a few times a year. Some of these things I didn’t realize how much I took for granted until I had to make a budget on what little I could afford while paying down a loan. Yet, I still find I am blessed.

That doesn’t chase away that unmistakeable inner voice that tells me I shouldn’t have to be dealing with certain issues such as having greater privacy. I need a place to put my shoes so I hang them on the back of my door in a shoe holder from Home Sense. Having this shoe holder hanging off my door means that my door never closes all the way so other members of the family are prone to just walking into my space without knocking or thinking twice. It annoys me that at almost 29-years old I am dealing with this still. My bedroom is my one place to go where I can relax and not worry about people talking to when I’m trying to read or when I’m not feeling well at certain times a day due to medication and fatigue.

Also, when I picture myself at home I picture myself being able to earn my keep more than I am able. I think this bothers my parents sometimes but I don’t know maybe they just accept like I do that I do not have much energy left after getting ready in the morning, studying or reading, and a trip out for a few hours once or twice a week. But I feel this constant pressure that I should be cleaning the living room up where I sit more, doing the floors, washing my dishes more than I do, and cleaning my bathroom in one cleanup instead of in pieces at a time. I’m sad to admit I just don’t have energy and it has gotten worse these past 2 years. I think I should be helping grocery shopping and always be able to pick up my medications from Costco but the truth is there are few more exhausting places then Costco even if I’m just going along with someone.

But I want nothing more then to have a good job and build a career, live on my own, be able to contribute more substantial amounts of money to RRSP’s and charity, to build a life, meet new people, and to just have an independence that doesn’t require me to rely on my parents so much. But I know realistically, right now that is not possible but I emphatically wish that someday it will be possible for me. I don’t want a permanent illness and Im not ready to settle for the fact that I may have one. I want to believe that there are ways to cure chronic fatigue and live with depression. I mean, if you do not have hope what do you have? Nothing.

Luxebox Hawaiian Punch Edition

After trying a couple of makeup subscription boxes I decided to go with Loosebutton’s Luxebox. It only comes 4 times a year so it is financially more acceptable as opposed to Julep Maven’s program that comes every month and it costs about the same per time. The only aspect I do not think is fair about the Luxebox program is to receive the “good” versions of  the Luxebox such the Hawaiian punch Edition you have to pay an extra $6.00. It is completely worth it because you get way more actual makeup and nice items as opposed to random items but I do think you should just be able to pick your box theme and get great items without paying the extra amount of money. Anyways, here is the Summer Edition of the Luxebox:

Crest White Strips - We received 3 plus toothepaste samples. I tried them and they are okay.

Crest White Strips – We received 3 plus toothpaste samples. I tried them and they are okay.

Nexus Color Stay Shampoo, Conditioner, and Pre-wash treatment. I am actually using the shampoo and conditioner right now and plan to do a blog on them. They are awesome but the pre-wash treatment not so much.

Nexus Color Stay Shampoo, Conditioner, and Pre-wash treatment. I am actually using the shampoo and conditioner now and plan to do a blog on them. They are awesome but the pre-wash treatment not so much.

Eslor Introductory Collection including Cleanser, Exfoliater, Soothing Cream, and Mask. I tried the cleanser and exfoliator and broke out majorly the next day so I am a bit afraid to try the cream and mask but we will see...

Eslor Introductory Collection including Cleanser, Exfoliater, Soothing Cream, and Mask. I tried the cleanser and exfoliater and broke out majorly the next day so I am a bit afraid to try the cream and mask but we will see…

Teez Lipstick in Cocktail Shock Pink. It has major moisturizing properties so it feels great on your lips and stays on well but it is a bit bright. I would put on a little bit and mix it with a lighter lip gloss. So far though I am impressed with Teez makeup products.

Teez Lipstick in Cocktail Shock Pink. It has major moisturizing properties so it feels great on your lips and stays on well but it is a bit bright. I would put on a bit and mix it with a lighter lip gloss. So far though I am impressed with Teez makeup products.

Teez Eyeshadow in Beach Glow. It is long lasting and a beautiful eyeshadow. Soft but not to soft. My only complaint is it is a bit pink for me so when I wear it I have to mix it well with other shadows so It goes better with my skin.

Teez Eyeshadow in Beach Glow. It is long-lasting and a beautiful eyeshadow. Soft but too much. My only complaint is it is a bit pink for me so when I wear it I have to mix it well with other shadows so It goes better with my skin tone. Also, I got another pair of tweezers. These are awesome and work well.

My favorite products are these 2: OPI Nicole Hot Pink Nail Polish. Just a nice size little bottle, not too big which is nice because you get sick of one color all the time. It looks fantastic on my toes! And lastly, a wonderful smelling Macadamia Nut Cream fro your your hands.  It smells like coconut and is by KISS. It is awesome and very moisturizing.

My favorite products are these 2: OPI Nicole Hot Pink Nail Polish. Just a nice size little bottle, not too big which is nice because you get sick of one color all the time. It looks fantastic on my toes! And lastly, a wonderful smelling Macadamia Nut Cream for your hands. It smells like coconut and is by KISS. It is awesome and very moisturizing.

For more information on getting your own Luxebox go to http://www.loosebutton.com


Father’s Day Weekend and Surprise Everything is Fine with A

20140310-185615.jpgHey all! I spent most of the weekend reading different books and celebrating Father’s Day with my family. We had a BBQ on Sunday and both my brothers came, my brother’s friend, and my Grandma and we had a great supper.

We always get these great marinated steaks from M&M’s and they are marinated in Teriyaki and spices. You can get other flavours too but I think Teryaki is the preferred flavor in our house. We had vegetables marinated in some sort of salad dressing and done on the BBQ and then my mom made a strawberry and spinach salad with toasted pecans, and oranges. We also had pineapple beans which are delicious you can find the Recipe in a Companies Coming cook book. It includes molasses, bacon, onion, mustard, brown beans canned, and pineapple chunks.  So it was a yummy meal but a big one.  We topped it off with an Edmonton Eskimos ice cream cake from DQ. My Dad is gluten intolerant so that’s the kind of cake he can have. His favorite team is the Saskatchewan Roughriders though and they didn’t have any of those cakes — oh well!

A is off tomorrow so it looks like I will be spending some time with him this week. Maybe

hang out in the week and go to a farmer’s market either on Whyte Ave or in Downtown on Saturday. They are both great! I think he will really like it because he is a cook and will appreciate all the farm fresh produce etc. Plus, there is all the interesting goods at a farmer’s markets — wine, baked goods, clothes, dog treats, and so much more.

And if you are a bit confused about why I am still doing stuff with A after I broke it off with him well, we got back together. I think I have tried to break it off 2 or 3 times with him only to realize that he is who I want to be with now and that I often forget that he can’t read my mind and I need to talk things through with him before I start getting so angry that I say ” It’s over!” I was upset that after 3 years he hadn’t met my parents and this is a big thing but he is very shy and I just should have told him that it’s time you need to meet them. He is happy to comply. I’m not sure how my family will take it after I was so sure about this breakup but I think once they meet him they will really like him. Plus, there is the fact that even though I try to tell myself I don’t love him, I really do. And to me that is obvious.

It must be confusing for my friends who read this blog and my family but I promise to stop jumping the gun and Facebooking about breakups because honestly sometimes I just have to stop being emotional and think and talk and work through stuff but I don’t think everyone needs to know about that process. So I’ll stop doing that I hope. But things are good again so that’s what matters.

I am also excited to maybe take a shopping trip to Kingsway this week. I  have to get my Mom and brother presents and I need to pick up a few things. but I’m tired of going downtown so I will go to Kingsway instead.

Hope you all had a good Father’s Day Weekend.




Alterna Bamboo Hair Products

1. Bamboo Smooth Anti-Breakage Thermal Protectant Spray ($28.50 –  What I love about this product is that you only need a very little to put in shoulder length hair and it not only makes your hair so it will not be frizzy or fly away but it is also an excellent styling spray so that if you want a bit of volume in your hair this is an effective Thermal Protectant Spray to buy.

A great aspect of Alterna products, particularly, the Bamboo products, are that they are good for your hair because they are without harmful chemicals such as Parabens, Sulfates, Synthetic Dyes, Phthalates, GMOs, and Triclosan. The ingredients are fair trade complaint, eco-certified, and certified organic. Not only that but the product is guaranteed to prevent hair breakage by 87% (Sephora.ca). I really enjoy using this product and find it lasts a long time and is completely worth the price. By far one of the best thermal protectants I have used.

2. Bamboo Abundant Volume Shampoo ($25.50) – Not only is this Shampoo like the

thermal protectant, environmentally friendly and free of some not so safe products for your hair, but it does a decent job as a shampoo. It lasted me about a month and I like how there is just a hole in the top of the bottle where you can squeeze the shampoo out of. My hair felt very clean after using this shampoo but my only complaint is that for my hair, this shampoo is a bit drying. I’m use to and my hair usually needs shampoo that is very moisturizing and this didn’t have enough moisture inside of it. I would use it again but not all the time. I think I will stick with Bedhead Damage Control Shampoo or Bedhead for Blonds. Although, I do have another shampoo and conditioner to report on after I have used it coming next month.

3. Bamboo Abundant Volume Conditioner ($25.50) –  The conditioner for this Bamboo brand was actually a little better than the shampoo. Although, I did find that I needed to use more conditioner in my hair than shampoo. The conditioner moisturized fairly well and my hair felt soft after using the conditioner but even so my hair did not quite feel that it had been moisturized enough. After using both the shampoo and conditioner I felt that I needed more conditioner in my hair, possibly a thicker conditioner, so I was a bit disappointed with both the shampoo and conditioner over all.


What’s my reason to appease him?
He is only human but inside him lies a heart that beats
Even as my own cries against him “retreat.”
I couldn’t tell you the reason for it, better then I could tell him.
Billy Joel sang, ” She’ll do as she pleases, she’s nobodies fool.”
And ” She can’t be convicted she’s earned her degree.”
To describe that a woman’s reasons are purely her own.
I need please no one…

But I can’t convince him to stop loving me, I might break him and I’d be responsible.
He’s fighting for us, but I don’t see why he fights for a girl who has ran again and again.
I don’t think it’s a good idea, but he’s pulling me in spiced words on his lips
“This could be our future, I have made these plans.”
But what am I losing if I give in.
The heart of rebellion speaks freely through me:
” I am a woman and I’ll state my case, I came when I wanted, I’ll leave when I choose, if you see me again it’s my liberty I’ll lose.”
But he travels where he wishes in paths with his voice, telling me all things that I should want to hear.
He is fighting for love, I’m fighting to forget, I’m fighting to get loose, I’m fighting a threat?
Set me free into the sunset that I might choose my own happy ending.

I could go on if I wish, and leave things as they always are
I could be grateful that some guy chose to love me at all.
But he doesn’t see it, and he doesn’t get it, what good is his love if I don’t return it.
There are many kinds of love and he doesn’t see the frailty of ours,
Well I’m not sure it’s so thick, I think it might be plastic –
And you can’t tell me my intuition is off, love isn’t all you need.
And I could be free to start from scratch build my own life, or I could be trapped
But he won’t give in, he just doesn’t get it.
I’ve moved down the path and I’m in the rabbit hole, If I come out now I could get foxed.
I just need a lot of time to think. I just need time away
Maybe then I’ll go shooting black, but maybe I just need time to grow and become the person I need to become – more then nice, a falcon with beating wings of black to fly, with talons to let go and rip a part, and rapid cold eye to see wisdom and what it provides.

All Good Things Come To an End

I have had a rough few days, but I suppose anyone ending a long-term relationship feels rough when they first end their relationship. I keep feeling this sinking, half-sick feeling inside me — after 3 years A and I are over and it was my choice.

The worst of what I’m feeling is the guilt but then whenever I go places I start to have flashbacks of when A and were here or like today when I went to A & W with my mom I thought about how this was A’s favourite burger place. Or the look he would give me when I ordered Pepsi because I’ve sworn Pepsi off to many times to count.

There are too many memories with A, good and some bad. But you never realize how much someone is a part of your life until they are no longer in it. At least half a dozen times I’ve caught myself thinking that A would like this, I would like to take my boyfriend here, and then I remember I don’t have a boyfriend anymore; I ended it with A and there are places I am never going to be able to take him to see and things I’m never going to be able to say.

Working someone who was important out of your life is the hardest part about breaking up. Forgetting your routines and the places you liked to go, forgetting looks between you, forgetting everything. But it has only been 2 days since I decided this was the best path for me to take with my life and even though A is up North at work right now, his ghost is all around me. I wouldn’t take the break up back but I didn’t think being the one who did the breaking up would be so painful.

I know he is much worse for ware then I am, after all I broke his heart. But I just got to the point where I didn’t see a future between us. I couldn’t picture myself saying yes when we wanted to get married in a couple years when after a 3 year relationship he was too afraid to meet my family, the most important people in my life. And if I had left it 2 more years until we wanted to get married I still would’ve said no still. “I won’t take you back,” he told me, but you know what I’m okay with that. I wanted to see what and who else is out there because something just didn’t feel quite right. It was that unsettled feeling inside of me that had me wanting to make a change in my life.

I regret hurting him, I regret the damage I did to him because he loved me a lot and I didn’t love him enough, and I regret this sick feeling inside of me. But even though he doesn’t think so, somewhere there’s someone else for me and him. There is so much possibility out there and I think that’s all I was looking for again.