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An Empty House


www.eofdreams.comHappy Monday! I hope everyone had a great weekend and is enjoying the nice weather that has suddenly come upon us in certain places in Canada. For me it has been a tough weekend and I ended up canceling a great deal of my weekend plans.

I had planned to go to my boyfriend’s place Saturday night and stay until Sunday but most of the weekend I spent sleeping. I slept so much that I got tired of sleeping. I was sore from sleeping. Yeah! Big deal you say, I only wish I could sleep that much but their comes a point when you want to do activities and talk with people and go out to the mall and do weekend like plans. Too much sleeping makes you sleepy. But I have a good reason.

20140109-144018.jpgI went to the Psychiatrist intending a minor medication tweak but well the medication changes ended up being more than I expected. I explained to my doctor how I needed to be able to concentrate better and have the capacity to sit through a 3 hour class at night again. She told me that the 600 mg of Gabepentine I was on for sleep was horrible for cognitive function. Plus, we went down in the dosage of another pill I am taking. My doctor gave me some type of old antipsychotic that has the side effect of causing you to be extremely tired. I couldn’t handle a whole pill I slept all day the first day. When I broke the pill in half it was much better but getting used to antipsychotics especially with sleep side effects is very difficult. Today is the first day I feel kind of normal and not like I’m so doped up I just can’t do anything. Today I need to go the Psychiatrist again and check in. I still feel out of it a bit like I am very run down so it will be a bit difficult to do this today but today by far today  is the best day I’ve had. And the sleeping aspect of the medication is very effective which is great, and it won’t cause me to gain weight. So yeah! All around.

On Saturday my dog finally passed away. You probably do not know it has been a downhill battle for her these past 2 months. She couldn’t walk anymore due to her arthritis and something was going on with her that we just didn’t know about. I woke up on Saturday and started petting her before realizing her teeth were in funny place and she wasn’t moving. My Dad told me she had died about 15 minutes ago. It is very sad and I miss her a lot.

Today is the worst day because it is my first day home alone without her ever. There was no one to eat my scraps at lunch and beg. There was no dog to pet when I got up or to sleep at the end of my bed on the floor. There is no dog sitting below me and just to the right on the rug as I write this. Those things are the hardest to get over. It was her time, don’t get me wrong, she was suffering and that wasn’t right. But the house has this peculiar empty feeling as if a part of its soul has been taken away and I suppose the feeling will go away eventually but now I still search the house for signs of my dog and listen for her now and then.

Friday is Good Friday and both of my brother’s will be coming over for Easter dinner and I suppose that means church at night too if I can manage it.

20140130-210221.jpgThe stripping of the altar on Easter Friday is always on of the most eerie practices I ever experienced at church. It is symbolic of Christ’s death on the cross but the church always feel so hollow and empty on Good Friday. Everyone goes home in silence. I suppose just like my dog is a big part of my house Jesus is the soul of the Church and without him it would be empty. But at least on Easter morning, the altar cloths, Bible, Candles, and Communion ware are put back and the Church once again feels like Church. That is because Jesus rises from the Dead and comes back to life having defeated Sin, Death, and the Devil.

Easter is a happy time and I have so many good memmories of waking up early for Easter baskets with chocolate and small presents when my siblings and I were little kids. So it will be a good ending, after I feel will be a tough week getting used to new meds and going to class for the first time this year at the U of A.

Julep Maven


I have been trying out a few subscription services lately. As you know I wasn’t quite impressed with loosebutton. But I’m very impressed with Julep. You can become a Julep ” maven ” for $19.99/month and you only pay shipping on your first box $3.99 (no subscription fee first time) and after that you don’t pay shipping at all. You also pay significantly less on Julep products than a person who would not subscribe to the maven service.

Julep’s main product is nail polish and they come out with awesome colors every month. But they also carry hair, makeup, and beauty products and tools such as makeup brushes. On the subscription service you can choose which kind of maven box you would like to be that month such as my first box which was Classic with a Twist. But you don’t have to stay Classic with a Twist, next month you could be a Boho Chic etc. You can also choose add on’s to your box each month that are reduced in price for you. This month I chose to add Oxygen Nail Treatment to my box which is a treatment that you paint on your nails that is tinted a nice pink. ” Oxygen technology allows nails to breathe while … a Hexanal formulation conditions and restructures [nails] in just 4 weeks.” You apply it to your nails once or twice a week for stronger nails and so far I love it. The pinkish clear color is perfect and it is already after first use, improving my nails.

In my actual Julep box I received Mighty Nail and Cuticle Serum which is filled with Peptides and Collagen that transform your ” dry and damaged ” cuticles and give you “stronger, smoother nails with fewer ridges and less splitting and brittleness” in 2 to 3 weeks. You apply it twice daily to your cuticles for 2 weeks and then once a week to maintain your cuticles. Mighty Nail and Cuticle Serum goes great with my 2 new polishes Myrtle which is a brilliant red and Zora which is a glimmering pink-nude color. I also got a couple nail cubes to shape and file my nails with. I am excited for next month’s box already! The serum is very helpful with dry cuticles and I look forward to trying the Myrtle red on my toes. Please see pictures below:

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Being Happy (No Matter the Situation)


Hey everyone! I wanted to share with you some Happy going on’s in my life since my last couple blogs have been about my dog and my sadness at her sickness and suffering. So I am multitasking and petting her with one hand and writing with my other hand.

Today I am headed to my quarterly appointment with my psychiatrist. Although I have to bus, because I have no cab $ at the moment I’m happy to be outdoors in the spring weather. Walking just isn’t the same without my dog so I imagine I will have to get used to that but I don’t feel the same guilt when I have to go somewhere and hop on the bus. I am hoping to increase my concentration especially for the course I start next week, by taking a 5 mg dose of Dexedrine around lunch when the 10 mg dose I take begins to wear off. 15 mg of the pill all at once is too much but maybe I can prolong the amount of concentration and energy I get from this drug.

I’m getting antsy about this course I’m starting next Wednesday and going to it at night. Being able to concentrate during the night will be a challenge. Plus, I really don’t care much about lighting except practically so I’m scared it will be boring. But it will be nice to be in class with actual students as opposed to the distance learning courses in editing I have been doing. I also look forward to am actual lecture as opposed to just reading all your course material. Additionally, busing home at night will be interesting and a bit scary. At least my brother is driving me to my class and that is the hardest part for me, getting out the door and getting started on an activity.

I got this beautiful navy and white blue chevron patterned maxi dress from Anthropologie along with a black tank top, a white tank top, a pair of golden leather sling heels, and new pair of grey and light blue runners. That’s what did me in budget wise this month. But it was nice to shop a little. The dress and heels were nice treats and the tanks which flow out beautifully were needed along with the runners that are Brooks brand. Now that I’ve done my Spring shopping hopefully I can wear my items. I also returned this tribal maxi dress. There is this pink flowing dress with a hem that goes up in the front that is much nicer for much less at Banana Republic at 40% off. I had to mention the shopping. I go so little now it is always noteable and I am more grateful for the items I buy and have to go with them. Going shopping less makes me think about what I really want and why.

Also, my boyfriend has had a bad back and been off work. It hurts him a lot at times. But it is great to see him weekly. I don’t know how I’ll manage when he goes back to work and I only see him every 3 weeks. But for now I stay over once a week and enjoy hanging with my guy a couple days and sometimes more. It is nice to be away from home and it is nice to stay up late and wake up late the next day. Although, the whole process does take some recovery on my part the day after. Besides his amazing cooking, I enjoy snuggling, going out, and just everything.

So despite the unhappiness of my dogs condition, life goes on and you realize everything will be okay, at least eventually. I have to go now Nikki won’t let me leave her she cries when I do, but I have to catch the bus. It will only be a couple hours!

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Suffering


The word suffer according to the Merriam Webster Dictionary means “to experience pain, illness, or injury; to experience something unpleasant  (such as defeat loss or damage); to become worse because of being badly affected by something.” Through the suffering of my beloved pet Nikki I have learnt what it is to suffer. But let us not forget that the suffering of people in this world is far worse than the suffering of any animal but the endurance of suffering through our pets can also be quite damaging.

Since rheumatoid arthritis has shown it’s face it’s been an utterly intolerably cruel disease to Nikki. At first she could still walk but it was a very slow and paced walk. Then her muscle began to give way and her walking became rarer, became a loping, an utterly hard process to watch as she tried to stay off of her previously injured front right paw and make her way around the upstairs floor. She could no longer go to the basement or go outside in the back yard because there were to many stairs for her and she could hurt herself badly. Now Nikki, having lost almost all her strength has one good point around supper time in the day where she can maybe get up to just snag a little treat but mostly she just lies there. And I ache for her suffering because without pain killers her legs hurt. And it still hurts her to raise her body off the floor and if she stands she stands for but a moment before falling and she has learnt the correct way to fall as to not hurt herself more. Her body, her legs are giving out.

I sit with her at lunch. Where she used to come and beg, I go to her and give her a few scraps from lunch. I give her some vegetables and pieces of toast with peanut butter. It makes me feel better that she is eating something because I had to hand feed hera portion of herkibble this morning. Today I am trying to get her to drink but even putting a short little dish or water by her head

and holding her head to drink, she isn’t interested. The only time I can see she feels pleasure is when we feed her little scraps or pet her because she pants and smiles. Other than that, her tail is between her legs and she just lies around on the floor. She was a snuggly dog before and she can’t snuggle. So I pet her many times as I pass her by so she still feels the love. My Dad had to pick her up so she could go to the washroom the other day and she could go on her own once she was on the grass but I wonder how long that will last.

There is one more medication for us to try, while Nikki suffers and waits. I wait for the vet to call us with the price and medication. I wonder if she’ll last that long. I didn’t think arthritis would simply take her out. She is old (12 years) but not that old. Through Nikki I learn suffering. Years ago I learnt it through my Grandpa as he faded away but it is a different kind of suffering I learn to see an animal suffer, more like seeing a child suffer. Nikki is helpless to the suffering. And maybe some people can disassociate themselves away from their pets and think they’re just animals that’s what happens, the have short lives. But you see with any sickness, even with my own, you never see it coming. You never know how damaging it can be. So I learn suffering through my little dog as she lays expressionless on the floor and I wonder how long she’ll last? Will she get better or will she end her days on the floor, remembering legs that use to run and run and run.

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Financial Concerns


canadian-moneyI never had much trouble with my finances until before I became ill back 5 1/2 years ago. Sometimes people who have mental illnesses do not make the best judgement calls where money is concerned. In fact, people with no mental illness at all make mistakes where money is concerned. But since I got into debt about a year ago and had to have my Dad co-sign a loan for me to pay off in 5 years I have tried extremely hard to be financially responsible but sometimes my love of shopping or tendency not to think how much money I have to spend, gets the better of me.

The worst aspect I have found about living on a really limited budget, as a person on disability from a job as a receptionist/admin assistant, is that there isn’t room for me to have an urge to buy something because some months, even affording what I need is impossible. For instance, I have to take good care of my skin because if I don’t I break out badly. And if  I don’t use the right products I break out from a reaction to those bad products. I use Clinique products and a Korres anti-aging serum but this month had to give up the serum because I couldn’t afford it. I’m surviving on beauty samples now and I hope they last until next payday so I can buy my particular Korres serum and not little samples of different creams/serums from Murale and Sephora.

 

The worst aspect about being in debt is knowing that the approximately 5 year loan I have to pay off, won’t be paid off until I am 32

years old and that the extra $400.00 I am paying  to the loan would help me greatly and make my budget less tight. I could save for stuff then, and go on a vacation or be able to have extra money to pay off other debts I need to pay off when it is a pricey month. It frustrates me when all I want to do is work like everyone else and make a better pay cheque but I am to sickly to even try to work for a few hours a week. I just can’t concentrate and pay attention now.

I live at home so that saves me $ because I couldn’t afford to live alone, and I have cheap rent. I only really have to pay my loan payment and my benefits from work. But sometimes when I do the dumbest things such as I think I can afford something but I can’t, and then I try to return the item and the store online is slow at returning my money so then I can’t pay my loan I feel such self loathing. Thank God my Dad co-signed my loan for me but I am trying so hard to keep a budget and not have my parents have to pay for any of my loan. Maybe I’m not the best person to be giving financial advice to people but there is a few things I have learned that I can tell those of you who are really tight on money:

1. Put a bit of money in a RRSP each month even if it is only $25.00 for your future.

2. Make sure you have enough $ to pay your bills first, don’t just assume there is money left in the bank to pay them.

3. Make a list of things you “actually” need each month and decide which of those items can wait and which of them you absolutely have to buy.

4. If you spend on credit card make sure you pay the amount off as soon as you spend that money and get home.

5. Look for Groupons, Teambuys, Dealfinds, etc. for salon needs such as haircuts, highlights, massages, (etc) and events you like to go to such as a Beer Festival or Yoga classes because you can save a lot of $ that way. Also, you meet a lot of interesting people going different places for less rather then just the same old expensive place. But make sure you place those coupon deals somewhere where you won’t forget about them.

6.  Pay more for classic pieces of clothing that can be worn for more than a year and can be mixed with other classic pieces and shop less often. If you can wait for these items to go on sale, do.

7.  Make sure you give a percentage of your income to charity because it is the right thing to do and it will help you on your income taxes.

8. Eat out only once a month at a nice place, and bring lunch to work or school. Learn how to cook well so you don’t have to keep ordering out — grocery shopping is cheaper and usually much better for you. Just don’t grocery shop when you’re hungry.

9. Find things to do that don’t cost a lot of money like walking your dog, getting a membership at a recreation center, or having friends over for some snacks and wine.

10. Always have a reserve fund. Just like the RRSP contribution it can be small but there needs to be at least something in that account for emergencies.

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That Day Came: My Dog is Old


NikkiThe first moment I saw my puppy in the pet store (because you were still allowed to sell dogs in the pet store when I was 17-years-old) is forever etched in my mind. My families old dog Spunky a Chihuahua Terrier had passed away a few years earlier but I had never known her as puppy, that I can remember. Spunky was cute but she was my Mom’s dog. Nikki, the puppy I saw in the pet store for the first time became my dog and my Dad’s. She snuggled with me and came to me for attention and went to my Dad for rough housing and runs.

The first time I saw Nikki in the pet store with my brother’s I knew she was ours. At the cash register I picked her up and held her fluffy soft miniature body with floppy ears against my neck and as I petted her and hushed her wimpers with ” Shhhh… it will be alright” your going home now” she began to relax in my arms. She was tiny and fury with a bare pink tummy and floppy ears. She was also the runt of the litter and was a scrappy puppy fending off her 2 furrier brothers. When we took her home I placed her in her small crate in the side of our van and later realized how scared she must have been in there. Then when we arrived home I took her out of her crate and place her against my neck and carried her inside. The whole family gathered around her on the living room floor to coo and remark how cute she was.

When it seemed she was having trouble wondering who she should go to she climbed into my crossed legs and ever since has been my girl. She chewed through Nyla bones like you wouldn’t believe and my favorite hoody had strings on it that she also used to teethe. She would claw her way up the front of the coach and sit on me when I lay on the couch in our old house and she would snuggle in and chew the hoody strings.

The first time she saw herself in the mirror was a big surprise and she wondered who that other dog was in the room but she was smart and that wonder didn’t last long. And the first time I took her to sleep on my bed she would nip at my toes that were under the covers until she discovered what those 2 points beneath my covers were. I would wake up many mornings with little Nikki on my chest or on my legs stretched out and as she got bigger it became impossible for her to share my twin bed and she slept on my parents bed or would try to fit her entirely too big body into her crate, her rump end hanging out. When we moved to a new house, she somehow burrowed her way under my parents bed and when she got to fat for that she slept beside my Dad on the floor.

I have a great deal of memories with Nikki — walking her in the park when I first became ill for 30 minutes a few times a week, Nikki running her heart out with my Dad, Nikki climbing into my lap or sitting up and straight like a little human in my arms, Nikki knowing when I was crying and coming over to comfort me, playing “greedy dog” with her squeeky toys, and Nikki keeping 2 balls to herself at once as we would at our on peril, try to steal one or both balls back.

Nikki also loved to beg and I remember sneaking her treats every night at supper without even knowing it, I think the family did that. She wanted a treat every time she came in from the outside and had a  thing for sneaking out the back yard down the alley until someone would have to go and get her back. I remember her getting lost and always coming right back home. She always knew where she lived. I remember her making dogs 3 times her size ( she is a medium breed) tremble in fear and her utter hate of poodles and “frufee” dogs.

We had to lock her up when company came. She is a pack dog and loves her family, but not anyone else, especially not with curly hair. I remember when she accepted Grandma and Baba into the pack. I remember how she used to try to usurp Nathan from his place in the pack because he was the youngest child. And I remember the day she became old and sickly.

It was just this year. She started to stay downstairs and wouldn’t come up off the coach. Her paws all began to swell up and she wouldn’t eat. Rheumatoid arthritis the vet told us and gave us steroids for her but we are finding they only sort of help her. She painfully and carefully awakes from sleep and hobbles to her water dish. We give her a steroid but still she is in pain. Her tail which always wagged, isn’t wagging anymore, it is slumped and hunched much like she is. She seems happy a lot of the time and just likes to be petted. She sleeps and hobbles, trying to follow you around but it is difficult to watch when she can barely make it up 3 shallow stairs.

How can something so alive and frisky have her day come. Her rheumatoid arthritis hit like that and she went from being a middle-aged dog to an old dog of 12-years. The years passed by slowly it seemed as if we were on a giant Ferris wheel that one day reached the old and crickety chair at the bottom of the wheel. How did she get so old I wonder? She has good breeds in her that can live to 20-years, but I don’t know if that will happen.

She is old, that day came for her and with that day the reminder that in life many things, even our own human lives, are temporary. It is difficult to see my old friend in pain, she is a puppy to me still. She gave me so much now I give to her all I can, hoping to ease her suffering. It doesn’t seem right or fair that any of us should age from such glorious days of youth to become nothing more than memories. And animals, I am told, have no soul so what becomes of them? Do they fade into nothingness? For there will never be any animal like my Nikki again. She won’t be resurrected. She will simply go back to God.

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Naturally Beautiful or the Makeup Queen


mandibelle16:

With Pics and Pixiewoo video

Originally posted on mandibelle16:

p_best_mineral_makeup_l When I first started wearing makeup, actual foundation and concealer, in grade 8, I was extremely excited. Then high school came about and my skin didn’t keep that perfect youthful dewy glow when it began to break out and leave behind red marks because my skin was so fair. Ever since high school, I have wished for skin like those women who have perfect skin without having to wear makeup. For the majority of women, if we don’t wear makeup people start wondering whether we are sick or having an off day.

Strangely enough, men say they prefer women who wear little or no makeup but they would especially say their girlfriends or wives are sick if they did not wear makeup. I don’t mean a ton of makeup, such as the kind guys feel should be reserved for special occasions, I’m talking about natural looking makeup — a little…

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Naturally Beautiful or the Makeup Queen


p_best_mineral_makeup_lWhen I first started wearing makeup, actual foundation and concealer, in grade 8, I was extremely excited. Then high school came about and my skin didn’t keep that perfect youthful dewy glow when it began to break out and leave behind red marks because my skin was so fair. Ever since high school, I have wished for skin like those women who have perfect skin without having to wear makeup. For the majority of women, if we don’t wear makeup people start wondering whether we are sick or having an off day.

Strangely enough, men say they prefer women who wear little or no makeup but they would especially say their girlfriends or wives are sick if they did not wear makeup. I don’t mean a ton of makeup, such as the kind guys feel should be reserved for special occasions, I’m talking about natural looking makeup — a little mascara, shadow, light foundation and/or concealer. But most men don’t realize how much makeup actually goes into looking natural for many women.

Presently, one of the biggest posts for women to do on Facebook is the no makeup selfie. I have noticed some women look

absolutely gorgeous in their selfie while others like myself had a bit of redness or marks that needed covering up. It is a hard thing to post a makeupless selfie if you are used to wearing makeup. Specifically, if you like wearing makeup and feel that you with makeup on is your most natural self. Good for all you ladies who posted your selfies but I kind of felt ashamed that I was scared to put my makeupless self on Facebook because I love makeup. To me it’s like painting, it’s an art. And although I tread on the side of natural looking makeup, I love the experience of getting ready for an event and wearing primer, highlighter, bronzer, and a smokey eye because I love how that looks; it looks artful and glamorous if done well. Sometimes if I’m just home by myself I’ll wear fancy makeup anyways just for the chance to do it.

My favourite tutorials for makeup are Pixiewoo on Youtube and I have learned a ton about how to blend and wear makeup from Pixiewoos so I recommend that channel. But at certain times I just like to play with my makeup at my own discretion but even I have my limits where makeup is concerned.

For instance, I have darker brows even though I’m blond blond and I don’t see a reason to use brow pencils or gels. I also do not feel I need fake lashes I have thick lashes naturally. The only time I would consider these things would be at photo shoot or a super special event such as my wedding or graduation. I also don’t wear great amounts of darker or bright lipstick or any lipstick at all. I like lip balms and glosses and only started wearing lipstick when I needed a shade of red for a 40′s Stagette. So, I have 3 lipsticks in all that I wear and only one of them is bright, it’s the red one.

makeupI guess what I’m trying to get at is that unless you are a girl whose caking on the makeup, wear makeup how you want, no matter what Facebook is encouraging or what guys think about makeup. If you like to wear a little less makeup then some women, wear less. If you like to wear a bit more makeup, wear more. There should be no shame in enhancing our facial features if we make the choice too. And if it’s fun for us to do this, all the better reason to wear or not wear makeup. Choice in anything, in any art form, is key.

There is so much makeup out there and so many opinions on what looks good and that it can be hard to receive the look you want. My best advice is to go to Sephora, the Bay, or Shoppers Drug Mart and have a beautician do a makeup look on you that want and that suites you. Also, watch videos such as Pixiewoo on YouTube but understand that there are different occasions for various makeup looks just as there are different occasions for having various pieces of clothing to wear. Most of all, just enjoy your beauty routine be it simple or complicated. And don’t be ashamed of having not so perfect skin, most of us are not that blessed as perfect beauties. We need a little help to enhance our appearance.

A Prayer Answered


Prayers the words that drip from my lips
How long must I wait for an answer
What is the substance of of my circumstances
That you, oh immortal eye, should judge to give me release
A prayer for the bystander as she stands and waits in ragged glory
A story perhaps, you can tell me how the plot rises
Tell me how the characters develop, or disappear into literary oblivian

A sigh, a confession, a platitude of mercy to an idol of love
Trying to demonstrate the right path to follow
Use me, make me, an example. I have some understanding
Charity is the epitome of love, to give and to give
And to accept charity, when we are given the gift
Grace, how shall I describe it, an undeserved mercy from above
Broken cries, no alibis, will repentance release the sinner

And I cried many nights, heal me and darkness met my eyes
A quietness bore through the night and no answer have I devised
But that grace is sufficient for me, that weakness makes us reliant on God
With such anger did I reject these words, there must be a solution
God did not make me to give up and give in…
But he held me like a little child and carried me in the sand
And I cried in his arms for wings to fly to be like every other child

Never did I feel deserted until I loved someone who did not know Him
Though I begged to have my beloved’s heart opened
Even though we made plans and I had this sinking in my chest
That God would have me choose between my happiness and my soul
I left the world and all I had in His hands and begged another way
All the while wondering what I leave behind
But with infinite care God picked me up again
And carried me down the beach, the answer a whisper
I was to wait and lean on God for understanding.
Drip, drip tears from these lips.

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Friday Mints


mandibelle16:

Added Pictures!

Originally posted on mandibelle16:

Xyla Mints Yum!

Xyla Mints Yum!

Yesterday, I showed you pictures with short descriptions on beauty and lifestyle items I had received from Luxe box. Was I impressed with all the items I got? Not necessarily. I was expecting more makeup — eye shadow or eye liner — something that I could try out a little more and actually buy again. The Fekkai shampoo and conditioner was average. But I expect more than just shampoo or conditioner samples from a subscription service, the nail Polish was ugly, the primer is good enough to use on my eyes but not my face, the cologne smells great on my boyfriend, and I’ve almost eaten all the Xyla mints they are delicious and gluten free if you’re interested  – they also are the title of this weeks blog, and the headband was a bit small. I’m hoping next season’s is better. Also, I definitely will reserve…

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