Poetry: Dancing Into Light


I do not jest when I request, please don’t break my heart again.
And we move on in the steps of the dance, the game of life we play,
Begun again and shifted, sorted, sifted from the steps we danced before we fought — before summer hit us as bricks that fall from tall buildings up high.
Oh, what a surprise it is to step these new techniques and follow the footprints that many will trod.
But fear is a feeling hard to misplace, did I make the correct decision, revision, conditions to change — the course that lies before us and fine tune the game.

If I am a part of you, then you are a part of me; we are no longer apart from each other.
That was a twist to think that we could be after all this fighting, flight, forging for truth.
If you could just talk to me then I think we would see eye to eye, I think you’d see my soul if you looked hard enough.
It wants to understand you, to find the path that we must wander together.
It has a need to comprehend what little dips we must take to continue the dance; how many times can we trip without being told to get off the dance floor and walk away.
I mind that communication is difficult because dancers must keep in count 1,2,3,4 and 1,2,3,4 just to match their feet.
Keep your steps aligned with mine, tell me what’s on your mind so that we can continue to spin and flip and practice the moves the most faithful make.
Faithfulness occurs in action not by not only cheating but by staying attuned both you and I to each other and this music we call our lives.

So you are away and I needed to think but it wasn’t long before I took you back.
Decided to stop breaking pace to shimmy and shake as we take our place and step in time to the method, the song.
I always thought you were the one to slide with me as fireworks explode rushing up and smashing light into the sky, raining diamonds on the floor.
And moving this pace isn’t always easy, if I step on your feet, and you step on mine, were bound to become angry to react and retry to gain a connection, a tempo, a beat — to make the rhythm that is required of us.
We must bend and be flexible, be patient, be sincere, and take the steps as they come and move to the magic that occurs so little in life.
A thousand moment sunset bright to make it through to darkness into light.

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Catching Up


Originally posted on mandibelle16:

Hey everyone! I know my blogging has been sparse lately, sorry about that. I have had a real decline in my health this summer and it’s been difficult to concentrate on activities such as writing and brainstorming  blog ideas.

I’ve been extremely fatigued and tired. For 2 weeks I think I just about spent most of my time sleeping. Maybe, I was sick, I think, as illness seems to hit me harder with whatever larger illness I have. Although, sleeping 24-7 has passed I still find my health declining to a place it was at about 2-years after my first episode.

I managed to enjoy my birthday “month” and this past week hasn’t been an exception despite extreme fatigue. I had a lovely dinner with the ladies at Earls Tin Palace last Tuesday and thank goodness it was $4 Bellini night because I needed alcohol. It was great to see…

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Catching Up


Hey everyone! I know my blogging has been sparse lately, sorry about that. I have had a real decline in my health this summer and it’s been difficult to concentrate on activities such as writing and brainstorming  blog ideas.

I’ve been extremely fatigued and tired. For 2 weeks I think I just about spent most of my time sleeping. Maybe, I was sick, I think, as illness seems to hit me harder with whatever larger illness I have. Although, sleeping 24-7 has passed I still find my health declining to a place it was at about 2-years after my first episode.

I managed to enjoy my birthday “month” and this past week hasn’t been an exception despite extreme fatigue. I had a lovely dinner with the ladies at Earls Tin Palace last Tuesday and thank goodness it was $4 Bellini night because I needed alcohol. It was great to see everyone who came even though I couldn’t be involved in the conversation as much as I wanted to be.

I’m sure no one noticed but I notice these things and hope that soon I will be able to be more chatty again and less tired. By 9:30 pm I was so so sleepy and by 10:15 pm I just had to leave and take a cab home. It was fine with my friends but I felt sick the cab ride home until I went to sleep. As I often do when I’m fatigued-out, I get flu-like symptoms that go away when I become rested. It’s something I always had but am just recognizing what it is now. I think I have days that are just bad days that I feel like I have the flu but really I’m just so utterly fatigued I feel ill.

But thanks everyone who came out I really did have a great time despite my symptoms. I was so happy to see you all there and hear all about your lives, especially those of you who are travelling to fun places and having or have had kids recently in your lives.

I was also very blessed to have a ride to a friend’s Wedding shower that Sunday via Tara. And the shower was great. A beautiful bride got to be around all her best girl friends, bridesmaids, and women relatives and she seemed to enjoy herself immensely. The weather was perfect and I felt good that day ( which hasn’t been happening so much) and everyone was so nice. The bride received many nice gifts, particularly kitchen based. I decided to go with a couple sets of dishware for the shower and the wedding, the bride picked out a beautiful light blue color for her dishware. It is the same color I would have chosen. 25-years from now everyone will know when our dishes from because we all like light blue dishes.

I can’t wait for the stagette night and only hope I feel as good for that night as night’s have been particularly tough me at times. I more worried about lasting the entire night so I think I will arrive around 5;30 pm for a couple left over jello shots and the comedian and probably take off a bit earlier then everyone else from Cook County on Whyte Ave. I am so excited to go to a country bar it has been so long and my 2-stepping is probably worse than it ever was but I might be able to figure out some of the line dancing again.

Moreover, I am finally going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I have to tell her all about how much worse I’ve felt this summer and get her to look into Chronic Fatigue as a definitive diagnosis for what I have. Basically, Chronic Fatigue is going to sleep and never ever waking up feeling rested. There are different degrees of Chronic fatigue and I received the definitive diagnosis definition and charts/symptoms for Canada from the M.E. Society of Edmonton. I now have to take this information, along with filled out charts/symptoms (why I think I have CF) to my doctor. I printed out a list of Doctors that deal with CF in Edmonton, but I’m hoping my psychiatrist who knows my situation best can diagnose me.

If I actually have CF I’ll tell you all about it and how my individual symptoms fit in. I don’t know that this makes treatment any easier but it does tell you that yes there is something physically wrong with me that I can tell people and use for health disability status/AISH etc. I’m positive I fit the criterion, or else I don’t know what disease I fit and it could open new possibilities I haven’t thought of. Possibility can be a great thing sometimes.

– 2 days later — I have visited my psychiatrist and presented my research. Apparently, CF is very difficult to diagnose because of all the other illnesses you have to rule out first. I feel we have ruled out plenty of illnesses but my psychiatrist sent me for some blood work and she is going to send me to a rheumatologist who specifically deals with CF and Fibermielga — 2 similar diseases. It might be a whole year before I see him but I am very excited to start the process and finally get a real diagnosis on what I have dealt with fatigue wise. I may have initially had a psychotic episode caused by depression but sometimes illnesses can result in other illness such as CF. You can get better from CF but you also cannot. I hope that the fact that I was young when the fatigue first hit me (23-years-old) means that might be possible someday or that there is some treatment being developed out there that can someday help me. Although CF has been written about since the early 1400’s the medical community has only recently begun to deal with it and try to come up with ways to help patients.

What’s Next?


Summer is one of the busiest times for me, or it has been this year with me not able to take courses at the U of A Faculty of Extension. I want to finish my Residential Design Program, I have one course left. But it doesn’t seem like right now I’m going to be able to take that course in September. Maybe I will take another Editing course at least. That is something I can work at in my own time when I’m feeling up to it and do not have to attend at night, a problematic time to concentrate for me.

But that’s an aside, what I want to tell you about is my summer. Since July 2nd it’s only been my Mom and I at home. This has been a lot more relaxing then having 4 people in the house. But at times I have also been so tired that I have slept all day for days in a row and had less energy then I have ever had before. I thought maybe at first I was taking too much sleeping medication but now I’m not so sure. It’s just something I’m going to have to deal with for now.

My brother had plans with friends for his Birthday on July 10th so we didn’t do anything with him.20140310-185615.jpg But my Mom and I picked up a small bar sized cake from Costco and shared that as our Birthday cake. The cake was gone 2 days before I turned 29 years old on the 16th of July. I wasn’t feeling the best on my Birthday but I got many great wishes from friends and went out with my mom and brother to Earls for supper that night. I had the chicken-bri-fig samwidge and a salad. It is sweet and great because you can save half your samwidge for lunch the next day. I’m also having a girls night at Earls downtown with some friends tomorrow. I’m so looking forward to it, especially having a few drinks. I feel like I need that right now.

Monday night at 10 pm I went for a late supper with A at Cactus Club Downtown. I loved the patio but had the glossiest Quenoia salad. I couldn’t eat most of it and even A said it was gross. He was treating me for my Birthday and because it was a special night he bought me dessert, a chocolate lava cake with ice cream and we split it. I think I ended up having more but it certainly made up for the salad as did the Flirtini.

It was a great night and I felt spoiled but I

about-camera.4wy.net Beauty is More Than Flesh

about-camera.4wy.net
Beauty is More Than Flesh

could hardly talk to him the music was so loud. I didn’t mind but it is 4 weeks later, A is leaving for Morocco and we still haven’t had much time to talk. He made it too clear to me last night he doesn’t care and that he is too busy for me right now. This really hurt and it is totally disrespectful. He promised to see me before he left but I don’t think that is happening and I’m not sure I want it to. Maybe a month break is a good idea because I can re-evaluate what has been happening. Right now I just feel like my whole Birthday night was a joke. He made me feel spoiled and precious and had turned things around and made me feel worthless. Maybe this is a lesson to all us ladies, our worth is not based around any man. A women’s worth is innate, she is precious and lovable because of her heart and who she is inside.

One of the great joys in my life is visiting my Great Grandma Reeder. Evelyn. Not only does she stuff me with wonderful food ( I often bring a brother along to help with the food amount) but she is awesome to talk to. She has such a good memory and is full of so many stories about my Godparents, her Great Grand Children, her siblings, and life. I love to listen to her and only wish I could go over there more often. My health was not so good this Winter but I had an unusually good day the day I saw her. We ate salad, homemade macaroni and cheese, and triffle with giant strawberry halves. And I stayed over 3 hours even when Evelyn nodded off. Talking to her and the good and bad times in her life makes me feel that it is possible to get through this life, painful as it might be at times and we share a love of shoes. Who doesn’t love a women who loves shoes?

The rest of the week I’m busy with my friends Tuesday night, as I said, and going downtown peacefultoday. I’m also finally getting my hair done at Chrome on Thursday. My hair needs a good cut and I’m going almost white blond for the summer. That way when I go again in Fall I can just get some dark low-lights and my hair will be fierce. Sunday is a friends bridal shower so I have to purchase gifts for that. And later in August is her stagette.

That’s my busy summer so far. What’s going in your lives? Is summer a hectic time for you too?

Bailey


Originally posted on The Byronic Man:

When I found Bailey at the pound, he was so malnourished that the Humane Society staff had mis-identified him as a hound dog – just a depressed pile of bones and droopy skin. He could only walk about 15 feet at a time before he’d need to stop and rest for a moment.

Then, as we fed him and exercised him he grew. And grew. I went from being able to pick him up and put him in the back of the car to, well, having to just swear at him helplessly if he didn’t feel like getting in. This was 12 years ago. He’d eventually get to about 150 pounds, almost no fat. His dog bed was a twin mattress.

He was never an easy dog. Not even the rosiest of glasses could paint that image. He was protective and bad with strangers and would shed baffling amounts. More than…

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Poetry: That Road


This is the slow road to hell, sinking in this summer heat.
A lonileness so deep, you would never even believe it.
Occupy yourself, no one can live life for you.
But I’m down that road and there’s nothing that I can do.

See these lines on the horizon, they lead to nothing,
They lead to nowhere, and it’s there I must be going.
Spend some time with me, well you’ve planned every weekend,
And I’m down that road, it’s a road that no one’s going.

Read everything, caught some sun, drank some inspirational tequila.
You’ll never see me going, your living your life like the wind blowing.
Fan the flames that this summer heat waves maken’.
I feel incomplete the more time life is a going.

I never made that choice to be a part and be frustrated.
You live your lives, you don’t think of me,
If I’m not in that moment, it’s to hell I must be going.
But I’m on that road, and it’s a solitary journey.

You’ll never know that kind of isolation, in your own lives.
I know you you’d never be forgotten, but you’ll never slow.
All these fake tears, well the sun burns those to salt.
And I’m down that road and it’s a hot mess for a stranger.

Don’t you know I’m going as fast as I can, but I can’t keep chasen’.
For me you won’t be slowen’, all our lives have been forgotten.
You forget mine went to pieces, so little do you know or wonder what I go through.
Life must be easy, you’ve never been down that road.

And you don’t stop to think of all the commotion, that I must undergo without my independence.
6 years is along time to be trapped in sandy places.
But I’m down that road and it’s heading into the setting sun.
I’m down that road, where the pavements baked to ashes.

It’s a hell trying attempting to live, when half the time you’ve been forgotten.
Too much effort, too much years, too much going on in your lives.
But I’m down that road no one gave me a choice about it.
I’m down that road and I’m afraid that you’ve forgotten.

Summertime in Sunny July and Some Reading


I have spent a great deal of time outside lately in the day just soaking up the sun in a lounge chair with my Ipad reading a book. I am a fast reader and have worked my way through many book series and titles. Nothing stands out as being really fantastic but I do enjoy Jamie Macquire books and she recently had a new title out called Beautiful Oblivian.There are 2 other books in this series that you can also read called Beautiful Disaster

and Walking Disaster. She also has some other great series out. I would consider them young adult/adult books. But they are written well and tell interesting stories about a family of brothers in a small town and of course there is a love story. So, if that is your thing then you might want to check Jamie Macguire’s books out.

I am also excited since Veronica Roth has come out with her book Fourbased off

of The Divergentseries she wrote before. I haven’t read the whole book yet but it is interesting to get Four’s background and view on certain incidents in the original series as the reader’s never got his view until the last book Allegiant.

livelaughfrappy.blogspot.com

livelaughfrappy.blogspot.com

On another note, I actually won something this week from a contest. I won six full sized nail polishes and one Little Bits of Neon set from a magazine calla DARE. When I first came across this magazine I was pleasantly suprised. DARE is a fashion magazine but it’s for women size 14 and up. Most of the models are bigger then that but the way they dress the models and the items such as makeup and there stories on certain topics are really good. Just as good as any other fashion magazine so that even if your not size 14 you can appreciate the style, beauty, and culture in this magazine. It can only be found online at http://www.daremag.ca and you can sign up to receive it in your email on the home site.

I also enjoyed spending Sunday with my mom for her Birthday at West Edmonton Mall. We had are nails done in shellac which lasts for about 2 weeks as apposed to 5 days for regular nail polish. We had Groupons for Merle Norman West Ed. so it only cost us $15.00 plus tip each. Full price it’s $32.00 for a shellac manicure and $45 for a pedicure so these are amazing prices for shellac which can cost upwards of $50 or $60 or even more.

We also went to Spaghetti Factory for lunch and I had this amazing Ravioli stuffed with mushrooms with bacon bits and it was yummy! I should have taken a foody picture but I didn’t remember so oh well.

The rest of the time before and after, we spent shopping. Mom was determined to find

certain items this day and after a trip to my Baba’s retirement home from 10:00am to 11:00 am and being in the mall after that until 5 pm I was extremely worn out. I think by the time we got to Simon’s I was just useless. But Mom found the items she wanted and I got some jeans as part of my upcoming Birthday present and a top at RW&CO. I think Mom enjoyed her birthday but I wish I didn’t get worn out so fast.

Also, spent sometime at the Downtown’s farmers market the Saturday before with A and it was good but some of the best vegetables and fruit are not quite out yet. But the cherries were excellent! Were supposed to go for supper sometime this week after 10 pm since it’s Ramadan for him. There is too much good food around in the summer :)

Begging For Freedom


There are many perks to living at home while you or in school or having a place to keep your belongings while you are travelling as a young adult. But there comes a time when I think every girl and guy I know wants or has already left home and now lives on their own or with roommates. I am quite jealous about this ability other people have. In fact, now that my brothers who are both younger then me have moved on their own I very much resent not being able to support myself enough both financially and in doing every day activities necessary to living outside your parents home.

I understand many people may want to live at their parents house with little rent and with little to do but watch TV, do light chores, do a bit of studying or reading, and sleep, but that is not me. When I started working back when I was 23 years old I enjoyed the freedom having your own substantial enough pay cheque gave you. I liked that I could drive but I had no problem taking the bus, and I was planning to move out the January in 2009 when I became Ill with my current depression and chronic fatigue.

It is not that I am unappreciative of my parents goodwill in letting me live at home. In fact, I am extremely grateful because I could not afford to live alone, buy my medications, and all the other little necessities that a girl needs like makeup that won’t make her skin break out, an iPhone , tuition for classes, clothing more than I need it, and being able to get my hair cut and highlighted a few times a year. Some of these things I didn’t realize how much I took for granted until I had to make a budget on what little I could afford while paying down a loan. Yet, I still find I am blessed.

That doesn’t chase away that unmistakeable inner voice that tells me I shouldn’t have to be dealing with certain issues such as having greater privacy. I need a place to put my shoes so I hang them on the back of my door in a shoe holder from Home Sense. Having this shoe holder hanging off my door means that my door never closes all the way so other members of the family are prone to just walking into my space without knocking or thinking twice. It annoys me that at almost 29-years old I am dealing with this still. My bedroom is my one place to go where I can relax and not worry about people talking to when I’m trying to read or when I’m not feeling well at certain times a day due to medication and fatigue.

Also, when I picture myself at home I picture myself being able to earn my keep more than I am able. I think this bothers my parents sometimes but I don’t know maybe they just accept like I do that I do not have much energy left after getting ready in the morning, studying or reading, and a trip out for a few hours once or twice a week. But I feel this constant pressure that I should be cleaning the living room up where I sit more, doing the floors, washing my dishes more than I do, and cleaning my bathroom in one cleanup instead of in pieces at a time. I’m sad to admit I just don’t have energy and it has gotten worse these past 2 years. I think I should be helping grocery shopping and always be able to pick up my medications from Costco but the truth is there are few more exhausting places then Costco even if I’m just going along with someone.

But I want nothing more then to have a good job and build a career, live on my own, be able to contribute more substantial amounts of money to RRSP’s and charity, to build a life, meet new people, and to just have an independence that doesn’t require me to rely on my parents so much. But I know realistically, right now that is not possible but I emphatically wish that someday it will be possible for me. I don’t want a permanent illness and Im not ready to settle for the fact that I may have one. I want to believe that there are ways to cure chronic fatigue and live with depression. I mean, if you do not have hope what do you have? Nothing.

Luxebox Hawaiian Punch Edition


After trying a couple of makeup subscription boxes I decided to go with Loosebutton’s Luxebox. It only comes 4 times a year so it is financially more acceptable as opposed to Julep Maven’s program that comes every month and it costs about the same per time. The only aspect I do not think is fair about the Luxebox program is to receive the “good” versions of  the Luxebox such the Hawaiian punch Edition you have to pay an extra $6.00. It is completely worth it because you get way more actual makeup and nice items as opposed to random items but I do think you should just be able to pick your box theme and get great items without paying the extra amount of money. Anyways, here is the Summer Edition of the Luxebox:

Crest White Strips - We received 3 plus toothepaste samples. I tried them and they are okay.

Crest White Strips – We received 3 plus toothpaste samples. I tried them and they are okay.

Nexus Color Stay Shampoo, Conditioner, and Pre-wash treatment. I am actually using the shampoo and conditioner right now and plan to do a blog on them. They are awesome but the pre-wash treatment not so much.

Nexus Color Stay Shampoo, Conditioner, and Pre-wash treatment. I am actually using the shampoo and conditioner now and plan to do a blog on them. They are awesome but the pre-wash treatment not so much.

Eslor Introductory Collection including Cleanser, Exfoliater, Soothing Cream, and Mask. I tried the cleanser and exfoliator and broke out majorly the next day so I am a bit afraid to try the cream and mask but we will see...

Eslor Introductory Collection including Cleanser, Exfoliater, Soothing Cream, and Mask. I tried the cleanser and exfoliater and broke out majorly the next day so I am a bit afraid to try the cream and mask but we will see…

Teez Lipstick in Cocktail Shock Pink. It has major moisturizing properties so it feels great on your lips and stays on well but it is a bit bright. I would put on a little bit and mix it with a lighter lip gloss. So far though I am impressed with Teez makeup products.

Teez Lipstick in Cocktail Shock Pink. It has major moisturizing properties so it feels great on your lips and stays on well but it is a bit bright. I would put on a bit and mix it with a lighter lip gloss. So far though I am impressed with Teez makeup products.

Teez Eyeshadow in Beach Glow. It is long lasting and a beautiful eyeshadow. Soft but not to soft. My only complaint is it is a bit pink for me so when I wear it I have to mix it well with other shadows so It goes better with my skin.

Teez Eyeshadow in Beach Glow. It is long-lasting and a beautiful eyeshadow. Soft but too much. My only complaint is it is a bit pink for me so when I wear it I have to mix it well with other shadows so It goes better with my skin tone. Also, I got another pair of tweezers. These are awesome and work well.

My favorite products are these 2: OPI Nicole Hot Pink Nail Polish. Just a nice size little bottle, not too big which is nice because you get sick of one color all the time. It looks fantastic on my toes! And lastly, a wonderful smelling Macadamia Nut Cream fro your your hands.  It smells like coconut and is by KISS. It is awesome and very moisturizing.

My favorite products are these 2: OPI Nicole Hot Pink Nail Polish. Just a nice size little bottle, not too big which is nice because you get sick of one color all the time. It looks fantastic on my toes! And lastly, a wonderful smelling Macadamia Nut Cream for your hands. It smells like coconut and is by KISS. It is awesome and very moisturizing.

For more information on getting your own Luxebox go to http://www.loosebutton.com

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Father’s Day Weekend and Surprise Everything is Fine with A


20140310-185615.jpgHey all! I spent most of the weekend reading different books and celebrating Father’s Day with my family. We had a BBQ on Sunday and both my brothers came, my brother’s friend, and my Grandma and we had a great supper.

We always get these great marinated steaks from M&M’s and they are marinated in Teriyaki and spices. You can get other flavours too but I think Teryaki is the preferred flavor in our house. We had vegetables marinated in some sort of salad dressing and done on the BBQ and then my mom made a strawberry and spinach salad with toasted pecans, and oranges. We also had pineapple beans which are delicious you can find the Recipe in a Companies Coming cook book. It includes molasses, bacon, onion, mustard, brown beans canned, and pineapple chunks.  So it was a yummy meal but a big one.  We topped it off with an Edmonton Eskimos ice cream cake from DQ. My Dad is gluten intolerant so that’s the kind of cake he can have. His favorite team is the Saskatchewan Roughriders though and they didn’t have any of those cakes — oh well!

A is off tomorrow so it looks like I will be spending some time with him this week. Maybe

hang out in the week and go to a farmer’s market either on Whyte Ave or in Downtown on Saturday. They are both great! I think he will really like it because he is a cook and will appreciate all the farm fresh produce etc. Plus, there is all the interesting goods at a farmer’s markets — wine, baked goods, clothes, dog treats, and so much more.

And if you are a bit confused about why I am still doing stuff with A after I broke it off with him well, we got back together. I think I have tried to break it off 2 or 3 times with him only to realize that he is who I want to be with now and that I often forget that he can’t read my mind and I need to talk things through with him before I start getting so angry that I say ” It’s over!” I was upset that after 3 years he hadn’t met my parents and this is a big thing but he is very shy and I just should have told him that it’s time you need to meet them. He is happy to comply. I’m not sure how my family will take it after I was so sure about this breakup but I think once they meet him they will really like him. Plus, there is the fact that even though I try to tell myself I don’t love him, I really do. And to me that is obvious.

It must be confusing for my friends who read this blog and my family but I promise to stop jumping the gun and Facebooking about breakups because honestly sometimes I just have to stop being emotional and think and talk and work through stuff but I don’t think everyone needs to know about that process. So I’ll stop doing that I hope. But things are good again so that’s what matters.

I am also excited to maybe take a shopping trip to Kingsway this week. I  have to get my Mom and brother presents and I need to pick up a few things. but I’m tired of going downtown so I will go to Kingsway instead.

Hope you all had a good Father’s Day Weekend.